notions of glory.

big day.

2012-01-19T16:33:00.000-08:00

[I think I'm going to start blogging again.]

My head is reeling. I spent the day in Citi Soleil (largest slum in Haiti/western hemisphere). I'm ashamed to admit that it is easy for me to become numb to these conditions of extreme poverty. I have been able to see several places around the world that are absolutely shocking compared to our American lives. I've come to Haiti many times and seen this over and over again. But...

Not today.

And I praise God for that. I never want to become numb and/or complacent to dire need and horrific circumstances. God's heart is for these people. I'm not going to forget that. And I will pray that He continues to AWAKEN me over and over again to the harsh reality of life for billions of people around this world.

But, how do I respond to this? What can I do? I know I know...pray, it all begins with just one life, love them, give freely... I have heard it all, even told others, but I'm still asking/screaming inside, WHAT CAN I DO?!? I found myself over and over again praying for the runny nosed, bloated bellies, rattled breathing babies and children I held and encountered all day long. But that was even difficult! What do you even say to God? What do you ask Him for? I don't know. I really don't. Oh, I am happy as a clam sitting in the dirt and playing patty cake with them. Holding babies. Learning creole. Taking tours of houses made of tin [or tarps]. But, why does that make me happy? This life is brutal for thousands in Haiti. It's a fight to survive. Of course I'm happy, I have a home in one of the best countries in the world. My life will never consist of living in an 8 x 8 room with 5 others, holes in the roof (if there even is a roof) and dirt floors. I'll never wake up not knowing what to feed my children [or myself], squat in the middle of the road to use the "bathroom", or walk distances just to have a little water.

I am at a loss. And maybe it's ok to be in this place because it forces me to my knees, pleading for God to use me to change this world. Begging for Him to invade my little life of nothing and make it into something great. For His glory. His people. To fight injustice. To radically love.

I have officially graduated, taken my boards, and as of TODAY passed my boards. So now the daunting question comes...what now? And the answer....I do not know. But today gave me a bit of perspective. Maybe it's what I needed, maybe not. Nonetheless, a day I hope not to soon forget.

moving right along.

2011-04-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

Today was HUGE for me. After 2 years of...

Thinking I could never do it.
Fighting His plan.
DOUBTING His plan.
Feeling completely inadequate.
Tears.
Stress.

I MADE IT!!! I am finished with the 'classroom'. No more assignments, tests, presentations, powerpoints, etc. EVER. It's over. The remainder of my time in graduate school will be spent doing 'hands on' learning, aka fieldwork rotations. For those who have followed me through this process, you know it's been a struggle to stick with it. But, THE DAY IS HERE. Wow. That's all I can say.

As I look behind me and in front of me, I am blown away by what His hand has done and what His hand is doing. I've been reflecting on these last 2 years a lot and through this, I am reminded of how trustworthy, faithful, sovereign, and just plain ole good God is. To see the way His hand has worked... it's just not really believable. I could have never guessed what He had in store. To think of the multiple friendships formed, the heart He has given me for Haiti, and the opportunities He has placed in my lap... wow. I am SO excited for what's to come.

It hasn't been an easy 2 years, but He has challenged me and shaped me in multiple ways. And as I stand on the brink of something big, concluding yet another season of my life, I wonder how I could've questioned Him. This life is His. And even after all the mistakes I've made and the opportunities I've missed, He has made it [and is making it] into something beautiful. But, how foolish am I?! Of course He is! My purpose here is His glory and everything about His glory is beautiful.

He deserves all of my praise.

no boxes.

2011-03-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

i've been reminded of a few things this week...

God is big. SO big. and i don't know why but i can so easily put Him in a box. but, He doesn't do boxes. and this week he gave me a little tap on the shoulder and told me He's got some pretty awesome plans. i feel like i'm on the brink of some pretty baller dreams coming to life. He's up to something, and has been for awhile. i still know nothing. but what i do know is that He doesn't fit in boxes. and i know that i can trust Him. because what He has for me is bigger and better than anything i could think up.

haiti...occupational therapy...argentina...

these are the things i'm dreaming of. these are the things i'm trusting Him with. the future is looking very bright right now. funny that he chose to remind me of this in the midst of what may be my busiest/stressful/craziest week of my grad school career. His timing is perfect. He knows. and for now, i'm going to keep on walking through my routine/mundane schedule. and He's going to keep making it an adventure. He's going to keep guiding me right into the path of His glory and His fame. i'm ok with that...

we serve a mighty God. we serve a God who furiously loves us, when we don't deserve it. gosh, I love Him. He is good.

have Your way.

2011-02-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

the past week has been about surrender. or re-surrender. whatever you want to call it.

i have felt the need to continue telling Him that i am His. i am open. i am willing. and i want to be obedient.

that i lay my life at His feet. that he can have His way with me. it's truly what i want. and i really can honestly say that i trust He is better than ANYTHING.

usually, i feel like moments like this (of complete surrender) surface when a big step is coming up, a big decision, a future change, etc. but, there is nothing extravagant coming up for me [that i know of]. i am just reminded that yet again, even in the mundane/routine life i'm living right now, He still wants ALL OF ME. He still wants to use me. He still wants His glory made known through me.

we only find our freedom
here on our knees
we are yours
we are yours

it's true. our joy and our freedom only come when we are His. fully His. and to be His, we must lay ourselves down.

and i will continue failing at this. but i will also continue giving myself to Him. this process is never easy. it never comes naturally.

BUT...
Here i am. [all of me]

thoughts & things.

2011-01-30T20:12:00.000-08:00

just some thoughts and things...

i'm trying to get a grasp on His love for me. on His furious longing for me. and not just knowledge of it. 'i am my beloved's, and His desire is for me.' (song of solomon 7:10)

i'm trying to live in the freedom of this love. no guilt.

this paragraph in a book i just finished has given me a different perspective of prayer/His love...
is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy's lap? an assured knowing that the daddy doesn't care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with little friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?
(from brennan mannings, "the furious longing of God")

He's faithful. remember how scared i was about not having ruthie here? i am ok. because He has provided. and He has yet again proven the way He goes before me. i see His faithfulness all around me. because it's just who He is.

the desire to hold orphans never goes away. sometimes i tend to cover it up because when that desire is strong, life in bham is hard. but i always want to be among the poor, the orphans, the unloved...that feeling can never be suppressed.

i am finished with class in may. then, i will complete 2 fieldwork rotations. my first fieldwork is this summer. without getting into too many details, my summer placement is finalized...and i'm in shock. He's had this all planned. He desires for the gifts and passions He's placed in me to be used. basically it's my dream, and it just landed in my lap. GOD?!? if you're interested click here to see more.

2010.

2011-01-07T12:42:00.000-08:00

A year in review…

O please do stay  where you remain  do not fall  do not fall , something greater  is on the way  just hang on  try to hang on,  try to hang on.

I doubt so much.

I will rise when You call my name.

HAITI is on my heart.

What would it mean to just go? No questions. Just go.

I KNOW I am going to Haiti.

I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory.

Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed.

He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do.

THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED.

'God has this thing rigged!

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

A week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny.

Fighting injustice in a radical way PLUS horses. yes, please.

Haiti round one: Expectant. Ready. Willing. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY…From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope…letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten…they are BEAUTIFUL people…tents EVERYWHERE…This country has literally been destroyed…It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen…I am sitting on the rooftop, under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life…I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.

Does He want me to be content in Birmingham?

A classroom just doesn't feel right to me.

Reminding myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want.

I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL.

I am clinging to Him, it’s all I can do.

Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country?

I want to be forced to cling to God.

I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.

I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.

All I want to do is Isaiah 61.

It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom

Help My children…the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them.

I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted

Fine line between contentment and complacency.

I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where worldly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...None of it compares to Jesus.

I long for heaven.

I am scared of complacency.

His voice is getting harder to hear.

Katy, you're going to need to chill out.

I must seek BUT He WILL find.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...

While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends, now I dream of holding orphans. Is there something wrong with me?!

…a feeling like I don't belong here.

I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I am doubting myself which is me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway.

Katy, it's never you.

Everyday I battle with how to live here.

I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't think I'll ever know.

What does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?

Without a doubt, my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known.

The "feelings" aren't there.

I thought I was failing at loving Him.

Know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11

intentional, endurance, and drudgery.

Chase Him regardless of time constraints and busyness.

I have been taken back to the basics.

I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE.

If He asks, will I obey?

My place is always on the knees.

This life's not mine so I better not get too comfortable.

Today, the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning.

"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable."

Less of me. More of Him. Way more.

"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.

Today, although I was forced to be consumed with schoolwork, the world was in the forefront of my head.
My heart literally hurts.

I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.

"Be holy, because I am holy"

Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment.

As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here.

It's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient

Ephesians 3:16-19

More love. More power. More of You in my life.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME.

He allows me to be part of something GREAT.

HE IS BETTER. ALWAYS.

Haiti round 2: THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...God is doing something BIG…I have this feeling that God's up to something…The future makes me excited…He's got something brewing…Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me…He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself.

I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED.

I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees!

Haiti round 3: what rehab/OT looks like in a country such as Haiti…I'm a little ball of doubt…I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need…if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation…the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else…Humanity longs for something beautiful.

I've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come.

My future scares the hell out of me.

Ruthie.

When my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand.

I have been disappointed in myself. I have felt a lot of shame.

When there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it.

This is a fight. A waging war.

I am FREE from the law of sin and death.

ruthie.

2010-12-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

ruthie. a best friend. a roommate. the reason why birmingham has been good.
and...
she is leaving me. a new season awaits her in louisville, kentucky. i am proud of her. she's trusting that His plan is better.
but...
i am sad. so sad. there have been many tears as these last few days of living in the city of birmingham together have come. it's hard to imagine life here without her. i'm not sure i've ever been in this situation. i've never been the one 'left', i've only been the one leaving to begin the new season.
i don't know what the remainder of my time in birmingham will look like. i know it will be different. very different. it might be lonely. it might be rocky. it might be hard. but...it might not be. what i do know is..that as i've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come, He has reminded me to TRUST.
and i am.
He is faithful. in the good seasons and in the bad seasons. when my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand. it is then that i must depend on Him. oh, i yearn for my life to be free of difficulties BUT it is in the difficult times that my need for Him and awareness of Him is highlighted. and if that's the case, i am able to consider my problems as pure joy. In darkness and sadness, the RADIANCE of His face shines more clearly.
i will miss her. but i am trusting.

good vs. evil.

2010-12-15T10:05:00.000-08:00

Paul's words in Romans are exactly what I've been dealing with.

i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do... i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. for what i do is not the good i want to do; no, the evil i do not want to do- this i keep on doing. now if i do what i do not want to do, it is no longer i who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. so i find this law at work: "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. what a wretched man i am! who will rescue me from this body of death? THANKS BE TO GOD- THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!"
....
therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
[parts of romans 7 & 8]

wow. thats a mouthful isn't it? but i read that recently and the jumbled/scrambled thoughts and attempts i've made to write this out was perfectly communicated by paul. i mean, who would've thought the bible can be so right on?!?

without getting into too much detail [or this would be a book] let me explain. i have been disappointed in myself. i have felt a lot of shame. i have so many desires to do good in this city. i want to build relationships with international people, i want my neighbors to know Christ, i want to love the homeless, i want to intercede for the nations, i want to fight injustice. but, i fail. i could list a million reasons [excuses] of why i have failed. but lets be honest, i am sinful, period. i continually think of these desires of mine and immediately feel shame and disappointment in not accomplishing them.

is it my lack of obedience? discipline? initiative? my selfishness? i don't know, but what i've seen is the way the enemy can wiggle his evil self into something good. and just as paul says, when there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it. that deep desire of mine is God's heart, not me. i am wretched! and too often the sin living in me acts. i KNOW that i am God's. i KNOW that i love Him. i KNOW that His GLORY is my greatest desire.

but, this is a fight. a waging war. and i have realized that i have been acting as a prisoner of the law of sin. NO! He rescued me from this shame and disappointment. He wouldn't have chosen me if He thought i was a failure. He loves me. there is no condemnation in Jesus. i am FREE from the law of sin and death. gosh, to grasp this...draws me to my knees. i am consistently humbled by the merciful King that chose me and loves me. He is worthy of everything.

Ezra

2010-10-27T15:47:00.000-07:00

I have FINALLY made it to the new testament. Let me just say, it is good to be here.

But, before leaving the old testament I want to share something that's been on my mind pretty constantly since reading the book of Ezra. In chapters 9-10, I am challenged by the way Ezra reacts to sin. The people of Israel have [surprise, surprise] committed sins by being highly unfaithful. When Ezra hears this, he is devastated, appalled... (9:3-6). Ezra trembled at the word of God. Because of his distraught over the sin these people have committed, he falls on his knees with hands raised, and prays. And in case we didn't catch his reaction the first time Ezra 10:1 tells us again. Ezra was...

Confessing.
Weeping.
Throwing himself down before the house of God.
Praying.

Wow. This has really challenged me lately. As I've recognized sin this week, I can't help but think of Ezra. Shouldn't my reaction be like his? Shouldn't I take sin as seriously as he did? And, in all honesty, my reaction to sin doesn't come close to Ezra's. And I want it to. It should. I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees! I want to tremble at the word of God. I want to feel the seriousness of not only my sin, but others sin. So much that it forces me face down, and literally crying out to the only righteous being on behalf of brothers, sisters, friends, and even strangers.

Then, to add to the coolness of this passage, a crowd of Israelites join Ezra ("...they too wept bitterly.") Ok, lets talk about this...This is community. People joining people. Praying. Broken for brothers and sisters. AND...what a cool illustration of the way people influence each other. We do what we see others do. When I act [in a way that reflects Christ], I pray that it drives others to do the same.

Oh, Ezra. You have challenged me and given me new perspectives. Now, may I figure out how to make this real life, not just something that happened in the old testament.

inadequacy.

2010-10-19T06:53:00.000-07:00

Rehab/occupational therapy in Haiti...
I don't really know what my thoughts are. This past trip was very unique. We were able to meet with many organizations to get a glimpse of what rehab would look like in a country such as Haiti.
[If you don't know let me catch you up...I'm in graduate school for occupational therapy. I'm not a school person but I know that His way is better. My hopes/dreams involve using these skills to serve people in what will likely be an underdeveloped country. I don't know His exact plan but for now this is the direction I'm heading.]

Ok. Let me first say how obvious God's sovereignty was on this trip. Tickets were booked 3 days before our departure. Needless to say, there were no plans but within a couple of days (and throughout the week we were there) our time was filled with opportunities to meet and see organizations involved with some sort of rehab. We visited 2 hospitals (Hospital Sainte Croix and Hospital Albert Schweitzer), Mission of Hope, Wings of Hope (a home for abandoned, disabled children), Healing Hands for Haiti, and Haiti Medical Missions of Memphis. All of these are great organizations doing great things for the people of Haiti and are running purely from donations. Check out the links if you want to know more.

So, did I get a good picture of what OT might look like down there? Yes. For sure. I feel like this trip was absolutely needed and the first step to anything else. Do I feel like I could do it? Um, lets just say I'm a little ball of doubt. I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need. Everyone we talked to was so creative and so good at what they do. Will the skills I'm learning in school (which is predominately focused on settings in America) transfer to a country/setting like Haiti? Am I creative enough? Not to mention that I would never solely be an OT down there, I'd also be the nurse, the PT, the social worker, the speech pathologist, etc. AH! SO overwhelming.
BUT...
I cannot doubt. Who am I to question the abilty God places in me? Who am I to question His power? When I doubt, I'm blatantly telling God that I don't trust Him. And, I do. I have seen His hand work in areas of my life that I KNOW I couldn't have done alone. I am always reminded of Moses. How inadequate/doubtful/fearful he felt when God called him to set the people of Egypt free. A whole country was placed in Moses hands! And the part that really hits home for me is Exodus 4:10-17. I swear, me and Moses, we are the same person here. I'm not going to go into it, but I know that if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation.

Excuse my language, but my future scares the hell out of me. But, I've told Him I will obey. I want to obey. And when He calls me to something that I feel way to inadequate for, it doesn't matter if it scares the hell out of me, I will do it. Because His ways are better. His power is great. And hell, I'm not the one who does anything good anyway. It's Him in me. Whew, thats a weight off my shoulders!

beauty.

2010-10-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

There is too much to say about recent adventures and lessons so be on the lookout for a blog-a-thon this week (aka...lots of blogs).

I just returned from Haiti for a 3rd time in the last 6 months. I know, crazy. This trip was slightly different than the other two. This time Tori and I talked to our professors about skipping out on a couple days of class, bought our tickets 3 days before we left, and headed down with a very tentative plan to see what rehab/OT might look like in a country such as Haiti [there will be more about this sometime this week].

On Friday Tori, Nathan, Bmb and Jwat (2 Haitian friends), and I set out on a road trip to visit a hospital located about 3 hours away. Road trips in tap taps are quite different. See the picture of the tap tap below and imagine basically the bumpiest, dustiest most chaotic road you could ever think of (then multiply by 10). Pretty awesome. What I didn't realize was how BEAUTIFUL the country of Haiti is. I mean, really? Wow. Words cannot do justice what my eyes and brain took in while hanging off the back of that tap tap. But this is my attempt to put my thoughts on a page. Here goes...

There is something about seeing and experiencing beauty/creation like I saw that day. It's a feeling of complete awe. It's like time is frozen but at the same time going by too fast to wrap my head around what I'm seeing. I try to hold onto to these moments. I desperately cling to them. But time just keeps ticking away. Scenes of beauty keep going. Too fast. And it's too much to comprehend.

But beauty like that fills my heart with pure and unspeakable joy. I feel like my whole body is happy (weird, I know). And I feel so much peace. Maybe this is just a small glimpse/taste of heaven will be like. My Maker and the Creator of the universe is unbelievable (but SO real at the same time). Why can't days like this linger? Why can't all of life be that beautiful?
But, I was reminded of how much we cling to beauty [and He is beauty. The exact definition of beauty]. And how the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else. Nothing compares. Humanity longs for something beautiful. Something that brings joy, peace, and fulfillment. And that comes ONLY from God.

Beauty like that is contagious. For example, traveling/seeing the world never fails to fill me with joy. Once I see the beauty of cultures, people, and places, I always want more. And, it's the same with God. When I experience Him and His perfection (that I'm so far from), I long for more of Him in me. What a cool parallel [the Creator and the creation] that I guess are more or less the same thing. One so clearly points to the other. Creation pointed me to my Creator.

I pray for more days where His beauty is so clearly portrayed to me. I want to see this beauty all over the world. I want more adventures like this one. But, I also pray that the glimpse of perfection, joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty is NOT just a glimpse, only to be seen on adventures in other countries. I want this beauty to be a reality in my everyday life in Birmingham, Alabama. Because He is everywhere. And therefore, every moment should be beautiful. I want to see that. And believe it. Really believe it. Not only do I want to see this beauty, I want reflect this beauty. He is in me and because of that I am able to show people joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty. And I desperately want to contribute to His beauty (aka GLORY) being made known here.

ptl.

2010-09-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

I find myself feeling sympathy for the people in Jeremiah. The Lord is about to pour out His wrath and destroy them because they have created and worshipped other idols. They have listened to false prophets and dream interpreters. To put it plainly, they've been stupid. And I truly find myself feeling sorry for them.

This is why...

I can relate to these people. When I put myself in their shoes I think I would have done the same thing. Lets be honest, even today I mistakenly put other things over Him. IDOLS. I'm ashamed. It's hard not to. The world is telling us so many things. I'm a stupid wanderer just like the people in Jeremiah.

And then I think that maybe my view of God is off. I mean, shouldn't I be on His side? Shouldn't I want these evil people to be destroyed for putting THE perfect, sovereign, beautiful God on the backburner? These people deserve His wrath. They don't deserve to live. But do I really believe that? Because if I do, then I don't deserve to live.

And thats just it.

I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE. I am not worthy. I continually mess up. Day after day. But, praise God! I live in a time in which He loves me because of the sacrifice of His son. I am grateful for a God who is full of mercy. But, I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED. He is jealous. He is worthy of all my affection. He is all deserving.

I am not.

round two. haiti.

2010-08-16T20:22:00.000-07:00

Oh wow. Where to begin...
Haiti.
Oh Haiti.
After 5 months of waiting/dying/needing to go back, it has come and it has gone. And what do I have to say about it? Well, here we go...

THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...
Isaiah 60:5

These words describe the way I felt the second I stepped into Haiti for the 2nd time. I literally felt like joy and happiness were exploding out of me. I felt full of LIFE. Passion. Purpose. JOY. Just like last time I was there, I was reminded that this is how God intended us to live. Loving, serving, seeking, and living in community. When you are in His will, the result is pure joy. And thats what all week was about.

God is doing something BIG. I don't really know how to put any of this into words (story of my life) but let's see...
Some of you may know of a dream I have, if not I'd love to talk about it. But basically my passions in life are 3rd worlds, orphans, and injustice. One day I'd love to see a community in a country (such as Haiti) that is complete with an orphanage, school, hospital, church, teachers, doctors, nurses, PT's, OT's, speech pathologists, dentists, etc. It's a big dream. It has been in my mind/on my heart for about 4 months now and I pray about this pretty consistently. Well, needless to say, there are no plans for any of this, but I have this feeling that God's up to something. I can tell. He's putting people in my path with the same dreams. He's changing my heart. It's like I zoom out on this life of mine, and there is so much ahead of me that I can't see but I see all these random pathways, all starting to meet and make connections. It doesn't really make sense and there is so much uncertainty, but there's not at the same time. I have no plans yet but I know He's got it. He gave me small glimpses of His provision and His hand at work this week. The future makes me excited. He's got something brewing.

He's changing my heart. It's crazy. I always say I want to live in a third world country, but when it comes down to it, i know it would be HARD. My biggest fear is that I would get sucked into living a nice comfortable/complacent life here. And thats because I know that would be easy for me. I mean lets be honest, I've grown up in nice conditions. Comfy beds, nice houses, vacations, good food, shopping, etc. I really used to find joy in those things, or I thought I did. And lately, when I go on a vacation that in the past would have been SO great, SO satisfying, and SO fun, the passion and joy is not there. A feeling of emptiness. It's so confusing. Yet, when I step foot in a dirty, bumpy, hot, mosquito infested, crumbled country, I am the happiest I could ever be. Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me. Now, does that make ANY sense to you? It doesn't to me. But I guess the gospel doesn't really make sense either. What I'm realizing is that He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself. I feel blah in America. Get me back to Haiti already.

I love Haiti. I love the Haitian people. I love the staff at HOM that we've built such great relationships with. I see myself living there. Our team was stellar. This week was filled with constant laughter, lots of sweat, bug spray/bug bites, sore butts, sing a longs, reuniting with new friends, working hard, mortar, stones, orphans, beautiful people, tropical beach, lightening storms, sunsets, card games, little to no sleep, air mattresses, rice and beans, rooftops, visions, dreams, hidden haitians, ice pops, bottled coke, prestige, dirt, mud, sewage, new relationships, bonding, bill fudge, and best of all...Jesus.

A few pics from the week, to see all.... click here.

back to the basics.

2010-07-25T10:07:00.000-07:00

Grad school has me constantly feeling behind. Because of that, I haven't gotten to share as much as I would like to. But, regardless of the fast-pace and busyness of life, God is doing some cool things. As mentioned in the previous post, I'm trying to figure out what it is to seek Him and find Him in the drudgery and mundane routines of everyday life. It's amazing what happens when you chase Him regardless of time contraints and busyness.
He speaks.
He leads.
He comforts.
And He never stops loving.

This is what He has been doing in me...

I have been taken back to the basics over the past week or so. He has reminded me of my purpose as I have had a tendency to become wrapped up in school, finals, and what people think of me. He has reminded me that as I am finding more and more enjoyment in OT school, and more and more comfort in the city of Birmingham that I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE. I am thankful that He has finally given me more of a love for what I am learning in school. I am thankful that He has finally allowed me to feel like I can live in the city of Birmingham without a constant feeling of guilt. But, whose to say that He won't ask me to give it all up tomorrow? Whose to say that just because I'm this far along in school, His plan could have me in a new place next month? And if He asks, will I obey? So, I have been reminded that my place is always on the knees. Always with open arms. Always with listening ears. And always ready to obey. This life's not mine, and so I better not get to comfortable.

We live among people who glorify business, wealth, careers, professionalism, etc. And even those of us who KNOW Him tend to march to the tempo of the world. I am reminded that He has called me to follow Him wholeheartedly on a different path. Time alone with Him should always be my highest priority and my deepest joy. It doesn't matter what assignment I have looming ahead, what final is around the corner, or what people think of me.
HE IS BETTER.
ALWAYS.

I don't want treasures on earth. I want treasures in heaven. I only want my head wrapped up in Him. Because, He is all that matters anyway. This world will perish. My life will perish. And will I have lived this temporary blip for His glory only? Or will I have wasted it on the petty, meaningless things that so easily pull my attention away from the CREATOR of the world, the RULER of history, the KING of all nations, and the JUDGE of all peoples? Oh, I hope not.

new season/drudgery

2010-06-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile fellow readers (although I'm not really sure anyone reads this...ha). After a lot of recent processing, I have a lot I want to share.

These past couple of months have been a transition into a new season for me. I'm still having a hard time putting words to everything, but this will be an attempt...

I know without a doubt that my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known. I know that I want to be a part of that. I know that I love Him. A lot.
Apart from all of that...
The "feelings" aren't there. I know, I know, feelings don't matter. But do you agree that it makes things harder without them? Here's the thing, I know His promises and I know I long for the day when He returns, but as of now, I don't have that happy-go-lucky feeling on a daily basis. And up until 2 weeks ago I thought I was missing something. I thought I was failing at loving Him. I thought i was losing my zeal and passion for Him. Now mind you, my biggest fear is losing my desire for Him and falling into a complacent/comfortable life. I'm ALWAYS scared of that becoming a reality. And I felt like it was.

I know, it's confusing... I mean how can there be no "feelings" yet, Him/His fame/His glory still be my number one priority?! But, that's where I am right now. It's a new season. Over the past year or so I have fallen deeply in love with Him in a new and beautiful way. Now that I am "in love," it is time to know Him in new depths. I want to know different aspects of Him that I've never experienced. I feel like my walk with God has been largely defined by the BIG experiences, the mountain top experiences, giving me just enough "ummph" to make it to the next experience. I've never really gotten to know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

This is where He has me. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know if I ever will, but I'm not giving up. I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11
He has given me everything I need... He has shown me His power, He has changed my heart, He has literally given me everything I need for this next season of life. And because of this I must MAKE EVERY EFFORT to ADD TO MY FAITH. To form godly habits. In DRUDGERY, when there are no flashes of light and no thrill to life, but rather a daily routine with common, everyday tasks, I must learn to still live for my Savior. I cannot always expect God to speak loudly or give me adventures. My obedience to Him in the smallest details speaks so loudly. If i will learn to do this, His glory that I so badly desire will be made known. And as v.10 says, if I do these things, I will never fall and will receive a RICH welcome into the kingdom. Wow, it's all worth it, just for that.

I know that this season will not be easy. The words intentional, endurance, and drudgery come to mind, but I am expecting great things to come...

a noble theme.

2010-05-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...
(Psalm 45:1)

I love this. I am constantly reminded of why I am here. When I feel like I am becoming numb or complacent, I read a verse, I hear a story of God's provision, I see glimpses of what He's doing in the nations...and I am reminded of His glory. I ask for my heart to be like His. I ask Him to give me the ability to love the way He does. I ask for more desire and dependency for Him. And it is when I ask Him for these things that I experience Him. He shows up. Always. I must seek BUT He WILL find.

I was able to take a wonderful trip to North Carolina this weekend with a couple friends. It has been a great weekend filled with gourmet food, beautiful scenery, late night movies, and sunshine. But, there is something strange about my feelings. I love being in this setting but there is something inside me that knows this isn't what my life is about, and I am ok with that. While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends like this, now I dream of holding orphans and giving life to people who need it. Is there something wrong with me?! Ha!

I feel like God is slowly changing my heart to be more like His. He is growing my desire for the world more and more on a daily basis. It's kind of a scary feeling. It's a feeling like I don't belong here. And I know I don't. I know heaven awaits me one day. But it's also a feeling like I don't belong in this western world. A feeling that I know one day soon He will place me somewhere else. Who knows? It's just a feeling. And I'm ok with it.

What I love is that...
My heart is being stirred by a NOBLE theme.

trusting.

2010-05-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

It all comes down to me not trusting. I am scared of starting another semester. I am absolutely dreading it. There are classes this summer semester that I feel like I may never really need. And the thought of having to write more papers, do more research, and give more presentations literally makes me want to cry. I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I just had a conversation with my mom about grad school. There were tears. To most people, being in grad school equals knowing without a doubt what you want to do. Nope. Not for me. I have no idea when/if I'll use OT. I can't see my future. What I do know is that if I wasn't supposed to be here, He would have opened another door, leading me somewhere else. Several of my friends are in that inconsistent stage of life. They can't see where it is God is taking them but they are learning to wait on Him and trust Him in radical ways. Although I am in school, which seems consistent and points me in a specific direction, I feel like in a way I am in the same stage. Tonight I am reminded yet again to TRUST. Why am I doubting that I can't get through another semester? I am doubting myself which is really me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway. I have to TRUST. When I am struggling with school, feeling small and incapable, I have to be confident that He is the one doing this. HIM, not me. Katy, it's never you. It's always Him. I am entering this semester hesitant yet clinging and depending, and trying so hard to trust Him completely. He will do this and my prayer is that I will find joy in it all.

guilt.

2010-05-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

The past couple weeks have been my "summer." From Auburn to Kentucky, and Nashville to Rosemary Beach, I've realized what it feels like to be free again. Free from obligations, studying, etc. But sadly, the break ends tomorrow.

I cannot express how great these 2 weeks were BUT I've decided I have a problem. I don't know how to live here anymore. Whether it be America, or just western countries in general, it's hard. These 2 weeks were spent for my relaxation and enjoyment. And I think that's where the problem lies. ME. These 2 weeks were about me.

I can't seem to do anything these days without a sense of guilt. You see, my life is not MINE anymore. I don't want it to be. I want this life to be spent blessing others. I want nations and people to know Him and His glory. I am here to proclaim His name. I praise God that I have had the experiences I've had, and have been given the opportunity to sit under amazing leaders pointing me to a RADICAL faith. But because of this, I don't know how to live here. Seriously. I can't buy anything without my head automatically reminding me of the great needs around the world. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I buy a shirt, I feel terrible. I treat myself to a meal, I feel selfish. I lay on the beach for a few days, I feel self-consumed. Literally, everything I do that is not "kingdom-work," I experience some feeling associated with guilt.

I know that God is not a fan of guilt. But, what do I do? I can't ignore these feelings. Everyday I battle with the way to live here. I live in a western culture, so does that mean its ok to buy a cute dress? I have a 2 week break, is it ok to lay on the beach, soaking in His beautiful creation? All of these are MY desires. What about His? Does He want me to relax and enjoy life? There are millions of people that don't know Him. There are starving orphans, struggling widows, etc. I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't know if I'll ever know. A question I continually ask myself is, 'Katy, what does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?' It's a constant struggle of mine.

I REALLY want to bring Him glory and fame above everything else. But, in this western world I live in, I feel like I am constantly failing and constantly letting Him down.

136th kentucky derby.

2010-05-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

A dream of mine came true this weekend. Anyone who follows me on twitter is probably sick of me talking about the Kentucky Derby, but I can't help it. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed about going to Churchill Downs, wearing my hat and my sundress, and watching those red roses drapped over the winner's shoulders. I read books and books, always so intrigued by the world of horse racing, always wanting to be the exercise rider, or the owner, and knowing I could never be the jockey. When the 1st Saturday in May roles around, you better believe I am glued to that tv for HOURS. Listening to the stories of the favorites, the underdogs, the unlikely owners, and the hard work it takes to make it there. There's no feeling quite like watching them load in the starting gate, seeing those horses turn down the back stretch, and yelling as the winner crosses the finish line with that fist in the air. Lifelong dreams of the owners, trainers, jockeys, grooms, exercise riders and everyone connected to the horse finally come true. The names of the trainers and jockeys bring a sense of familiarity as year after year I watch them enter new horses to run in the Derby. I love every bit of it. I hate when its over, making me wait yet another year.

And to actually BE THERE this year...

A dream fulfilled. To smell the cigars, drink mint juleps, wear the hat and the dress, bet on horses, see those twin spires, and basically touch the track that so many lengendary horses have run on was just as great as I thought it would be. It's "the most exciting two minutes in sports." But, it was so much more than that. From the culture/atmosphere to the rich tradition, it's one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Yes, maybe I am a little "horse-crazy," but I know that anyone could appreciate the beauty of the Kentucky Derby. I needed to go. I needed to know what this quote by Steinbeck meant..."The Kentucky Derby, whatever it is--a race, an emotion, a turbulence, an explosion--is one of the most beautiful and violent and satisfying things I have ever experienced."

I understand that now. I love Kentucky. I love Bardstown Road. This year I may have been an in-fielder, but next time I'll be in those grand stands. As you see, I could go on and on but I will end with a paragraph I read tonight that so accurately explains my feelings of this weekend.

I walked away today with empty pockets, but it didn't matter. Seeing Calvin Borel stand in his stirrups after the wire, crop held high in salute to the moment, all I could feel was euphoria for the horse, the jockey, the trainer and owner, the women at Kroger who stitched the rose blanket, the mass of humanity who stood and sang "My Old Kentucky Home," the balloon handlers in the Pegasus Parade, the waitress at Wagner's who called me "honey," and the child who stroked the nose of the statue of Big Brown. I have never felt so much a part of a spectator sport. For this I have to thank the entire city of Louisville. I have never seen so much community effort surrounding an event. I have never felt this much warmth and comradeship with strangers. Perhaps it rests in childhood fantasy, but how often does something live up to your world of make-believe?
-Sheri Seggerman

balance.

2010-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I'm an American Idol fan. Always have been. Maybe its a waste of my time but I can't help it. What I'm getting at here is that last night was their annual "Idol Gives Back" show. They really are doing some great great things. As they showed story after story of injustices all across the world, I was in tears. I know, surprise surprise. But here's the thing... although I was in Haiti a little over a month ago, I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted, etc. I am finally feeling contentment in where God has me now. Whereas usually I feel like these beautiful people and the numerous amount of need is in the forefront of my brain, the past few weeks I feel like I have removed myself. So, here's where I'm confused. When the need and injustices are the only thing I can think about, I am not HERE. I'm not content. I'm not happy. All I want is to be there. Holding a precious child in my arms. I want to quit school and move immediately.

Where is the balance?

Is there a balance?

I don't want a day to pass where I forget the needs in the world around me. But at the same time, I know I am called here. I am called to be content where He has placed me. And if you have read any of this blog you know that I have battled with that continually.

There is SUCH a fine line between contentment and complacency. I don't want to remove myself. I don't want complacency. I want contentment. I want a heart that beats for the world. I want to be like Jesus.

nothing compares.

2010-04-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

yet i am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. you guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. whom have i in heaven but you? And earth has nothing i desire besides you. my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. but as for me, it is good to be near God. i have made the sovereign Lord my refuge; i will tell of all your deeds. psalm 73: 25-28

He is INCOMPARABLE. Truly, nothing compares to Him. To think about some of the best things in life and then realize that these things cannot touch Him really illustrates this point to me.

Lets make a list of really good things...

the beach. standing at the top of a mountain. good friends/community. food (cheese dip). laughter. traveling. good music. springtime. a feathery bed. fireworks. warm chocolate chip cookies. horses. days at the barn. blue skies.

I mean, these things are pretty great, right? But, they don't even come close to the goodness of God. Like, it's not even a competition. Sometimes I forget this. I trade time with Him for pleasurable/wordly things. It makes no sense. He is the sustainer. The creator. He made every good thing. Do I think He would create something that could compare to Him!? His main purpose is HIS GLORY. So, no. He wouldn't.

He has been reminding me of this lately. I long for heaven. I long to worship Him for eternity, with no worries, no interruptions, no tempations, no tears, or heartache. Wow. I reallyyy long for that day. At one point of my life I can remember heaven not being something I wanted. Oh, yes, I was a Christian. But, life just seemed so great, why would I want anything more? But, things have changed. And it's not because my life is hard. Life is good. Really good. It might not be the easiest season but I can't complain. My mindset has shifted. I think more about His kingdom. About heaven. I long for perfection. I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where wordly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...

None of it compares to Jesus.

Nothing at all.

He is superior.

And because of that He deserves our supreme attention.

May we all understand and live as if our God is INCOMPARABLE. Because He is.

spiritually weird...

2010-04-11T22:23:00.000-07:00

This may be scattered...

Considering a weird/rough start to last week, it turned out pretty... great. After trying to sort through my thoughts and not really getting anywhere I was left feeling confused Although I don't know if this is possible, let me try to communicate effectively...

Last week I felt spiritually weird. I couldn't put a finger on one thing in particular and I couldn't get any of my thoughts together to know what I was even thinking. I didn't like it because as a result, I felt distant from Him. I am so scared I am going to fall out of love with Him. I am scared I will lose my passion for Him. I am scared of complacency. I am scared of a dry season. I am scared of being lazy. I am hungry to know more of who God is, yet I feel like His voice is getting harder to hear, and the revelations are fewer and farther between. Lately, I feel like God is a bit quieter than He has been is the past season. But, is it me? Have I been too busy? Am I doing something wrong? What is it that is hindering me?

SO many thoughts and questions....again, I can't put a finger on anything specific. But anytime I begin to feel "spiritually weird" I immediately think all of these fears of mine are becoming true. That I am missing something huge. That I am missing out.

After talking to a good friend, she sent me these words of encouragement...

Rest in me. Do not feel you have failed if sometimes I ask you only to rest in my presence. I am with you. Not only at these times, at all times.

I am the heart's great interpreter. Only as I enter, do I reveal mysteries. Each soul is so different-- I alone understand perfectly the language of each.

For me, this was a great reminder that 1) it is OK to rest in Him. it is ok to not constantly be learning new things. and 2) He KNOWS my heart. He understands my heart, even when I don't.

So, Katy, you're going to need to chill out.

As the week progressed, many cool opportunities came up. I felt a sense of purpose. I want to be used here. I want His glory made known in the Birmingham community. This is where He has me. I see the numerous needs here. And I am ready to do something. So, a few highlights of this week are...

Great convo with David (homeless man) on my way to class.

Reminded of opportunites and the need to serve in Uganda using my OT degree.

Excited about upcoming opportunities to build relationships with international students.

Observed at Special Equestrians...what I can see myself doing one day.

Intentional conversations with the local homeless people. Reminded of my love for this group of people. Such amazing stories. Such need. Ah, love them.

Time spent with a couple of my fav friends. Always encouraging. Lots of laugher. Refreshing.

Rode Wicklow for the first time in a month. Beautiful weather and fun to ride as always.

I go to an amazing church. This week: David and Goliath. Beautiful worship. Challenged as always...(more to come on this).

easter.

2010-04-03T12:02:00.001-07:00

Being Holy week and what not I have really been trying to feel the "weight" and meaning of this week. As I keep trying to focus on the intensity of Christ's suffering on the cross, I am almost automatically taken to the beauty of Him RISING. My heart is not sad and I don't know if this is a bad thing. Rather, my heart is JOYOUS and THANKFUL for what is to come. I cannot think of His suffering and not jump to the glory of it all. So, this weekend I am done trying to feel "sad." He died for US. He ROSE. Yes, it was a horrible death, the MOST horrible death, but this easter season I am unable to think of His death and simply overlook the LIFE that comes with it.

Reading through the Old Testament has given me even more of an appreciation of easter this year. The long, awaited years for a Savior that these people had to endure, has made me so thankful to have direct assess to Jesus. I mean can you imagine? All the laws and the sacrifices.... Praise God that Jesus came. Overwhelmed, thankful, joyful, and free are what I am feeling as a result of His cruxifiction. I wish everyone knew the meaning of the cross...

p.s. Spring is the best. Ever.

p.s.s. The picture is cheesy but I couldn't resist.

more power.

2010-03-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment are the words that defined my feelings last week. But after a weekend with some of my favorite YWAMer's in Grand Rapids, MI, I am feeling much more peace. As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here. I think it's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient to Him. At the same time I have to be careful in not fully trusting Him. There is a fine line between the two. Doubt and anxiety are implications of distrust. Gosh, I can't even count how many times He has proved to me that He is trustworthy. I can trust Him with my WHOLE heart. But how many times do I doubt Him? SO, all of this to say I am continuing to trust His plan for me. I know that if this isn't where He wants me another opportunity would arise. Oh how I wish that opportunity would come but until then, I am here, doing the best I can in school, pushing through. I am just happy to have a little bit of peace back in my life...

Moving on...

Ephesians 3:16-19 says...

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you WITH POWER through his SPIRIT in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have POWER, together with all the saints to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpassed knowledge--that you may be FILLED to the measure of ALL THE FULLNESS OF GOD...

NOW TO HIM WHO IS ABLE TO DO IMMEASURABLY MORE THAT ALL WE CAN ASK OR IMAGINE, ACCORDING TO HIS POWER THAT IS AT WORK WITHIN US..."

I cannot count the number of times I have read these verses over the course of my life. But for some reason, I have been clearly directed to these few verses for the past few weeks. Yeah, these are some GOOD verses, but they've never really clicked until recently. Let me share...

This past year I have fallen in love with Jesus all over again. I am in love with Him. And to me, that's the most important thing. Everything else stems from loving Him. But recently what I have been desperate for is His power. And I have almost gotten frusrated in thinking that I haven't seen it. If He's so powerful I want to see miracles! I want people to be healed! But He has gently reminded me that I HAVE experienced His power. His power is EVERYWHERE. It can be SO easily overlooked. Who am I to doubt His power when I have seen it SO many times? Here are a few illustrations of His power that He has allowed me to see with my own eyes:

Leading 5 people to salvation last week in Haiti. A person turning to Christ is a MIRACLE.

Having joy after everything around you has crumbled from an earthquake.

Sharing the gospel with beautiful Cambodians that had never heard the name of Jesus.

Thai girls breaking free from a life of prostitution.

The gorgeous landscape of New Zealand.

The healing of one of best friend's heart.

Hope of the children/orphans living in Bethany Village.

Breaking the cylce of poverty in Indonesian children.

I could go on and on but these are BEAUTIFUL pictures of power.

Yes, I want to see MORE. And as I seek and ask for more of this I hope I do not come across as greedy or don't doubt or overlook the power He has already shown me. I want Him to use me more powerfully. I want His power. I want to know Him in new ways. And as Ephesians says, with this power I will be able to grasp Him and His love in greater ways. I want to know Him more deeply. I want to be completely filled with Him. I am reminded in verse 20 that He is able to do way more than I can even fathom. I can't even imagine what He is going to do. He will make Himself more famous, through me. He will get the glory He deserves, through me. In believing all of these things my prayer is this...

Lord, REIGN in my life. Reign in this world. Control every inch of me. Consume every once of me. Show me your power in new ways. More love. More power. More of You in my life. Amen.

good week.

2010-03-23T17:26:00.000-07:00

One more post on Haiti...

Haiti is filled with hope and joy. It may be the the poorest country I have seen, but JESUS IS THERE. Don't get me wrong, the need is TREMENDOUS. The country is literally in rubble. They need us. They need hands, they need love, they need to know that we have not forgotten them. To speak of the earthquake as being a "blessing" blows my mind. I will never forget walking into the church Sunday morning to thousands of Haitian's crying out to and praising God. They love their Savior. They are thankful for life. They are desperate for God. Where is that desperation among the American church? Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country? They come to know Him in such a different way than us (westerners). I want to literally depend on Him for EVERY need. I want to be forced to cling to God. Sometimes I really think I can do it on my own. And in countries like Haiti, God is all they have to cling to. I know its hard. To feel helpless but to see how God provides for His children is worth it. I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.

Below are a few of my favorite pictures from the week. Enjoy.

take me back.

2010-03-22T13:45:00.000-07:00

I am going to attempt to put words on the week and how I am feeling now although I'm pretty sure its impossible. Where do I begin?

I think everyone knows that I LOVED HAITI. I am being serious when I say I could live there. I mean who knows? But, I am willing.

What did God teach me in Haiti? Well, all week I was trying to figure this out and the conclusion I came to was that this week was a picture of what we are called to on a day to day basis. Life was just lived. The way we are called to live. Does that make sense?

Serving.

Loving the poor, the weak, the orphans, etc.

Living in community.

Asking the Spirit to guide us.

Praying for others.

Sharing life.

Being exhausted at the end of the day from pouring out everything.

Being willing.

Filled with a constant joy.

Laughing.

Being uncomfortable.

To me all these are what life is about. It's the gospel. And this is what brings me the most happiness. This is when I see purpose and feel purposeful. I think this is where I bring Him the most glory. The glory He deserves. This is where I feel His presence the most. This is what I want my life to look like on a daily basis.

And surprise surprise, I am struggling with the idea of school again. How can I sit in a classroom? I am frustrated. Finally after 8 months of freaking out on almost a daily basis I had reached a point of being OK with where I am in life. But then He sent me to Haiti. Knowing my heart. Knowing how I would feel when I returned. And I am starting all over again. Does He want me to be content in Birmingham? I know that following Him is costly. Sometimes we must suffer for Christ and following Him does not entail being "comfortable." And although I am not physically uncomfortable in Birmingham (i.e. I have a comfortable bed, A/C, a heater, clothes, a car, good food, etc.), I am spiritually uncomfortable here. I am most passionate and in my "element" in third world countries. A class room just doesn't feel right to me. But, if He has called me here I have to remind myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want. And as crazy as this sounds, I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL. Maybe its what He wants...

Today I woke up wanting to cry. I want to be in Haiti. My heart literally hurts. I don't want to be here. But, as I spent some time seeking Him this is what I heard...

I know your desires.

I know your heart.

I know your passions.

I know what you are good at.

I know what I am doing.

TRUST me.

And so, I cannot doubt Him. He holds my life in His hands. I have no reason to fear. He knows my concerns. It is all in His hands. He keeps me. He holds me. He loves me. And He fights for me. Yes, in allowing me to go to Haiti He has confirmed my love even more for the world, but I have to trust Him. I am clinging to Him, its all I can do.

Haiti

2010-03-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

The past couple of days have been filled with serving and ministering. I cannot even begin to express my love for Haiti. Along with a lot of painting, we have been given some really cool opportunities. Yesterday we were able to go into a village/slum area located about 10 minutes away from the compound. The people there expressed feeling forgotten. Since the earthquake no one has come to help them. It was mind-blowing to see the once prominent church in the slum be nothing but pilings. We passed water out to families. They were desperate for water. Clean water. I wish so badly we could have supplied them with more. But just letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten was awesome. After passing out the water we were able to pray over everyone and hang out with them. I know I keep saying this but, they are BEAUTIFUL people. They are filled with hope. Filled with JOY.

Yesterday we drove into Port Au Prince (about 15 minutes from the compound) to go to the grocery. This was the first glimpse of TOTAL disaster we have seen. It was unbelievable. To see 7-story buildings completely flattened. To know that people/bodies were/are still in there. Most of the buildings have not been touched since January 12th. People are still scared. They live in fear that another one can happen at any moment. If they even still have a home, they are too scared to sleep inside. There are tents EVERYWHERE. Hundreds of tent cities. I can't help but look at the faces of these people and wonder how badly they are hurting. How many loved ones have they lost? The news channels were NOT exaggerating the situation. This country has literally been destroyed. Our translator (who is AWESOME) said that the country of Haiti is having to begin a new life. Life before the earthquake was by NO MEANS easy, good, or luxurious...BUT there homes were not tents.

You know what is SO cool though?

They do not feel sorry for themselves. Life goes on. They are not angry. They do not complain. They are not bitter. Rather, they are thankful. Thankful for life. Thankful that God has saved them. It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen.

I am blown away.

This morning the 5 of us were able to go to the medical clinic and pray for people. We must have laid hands on over 50 people. A young man accepted Jesus for the first time! SO cool. He came to us and told us that he hears voices in his head telling him to do bad things. He didn't want that anymore. He wanted Jesus. Praise the Lord.

This little community of people staying at the compound is SO cool. Last night all 20 of us shared how God brought us to Haiti. His provision and plan over each individuals life is such a beautiful thing. As I sit here writing this we are sitting on the rooftop under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life.

I am still so thankful to be here. Humbled He chooses me. Learning to walk in the power of His Spirit. I am not going to want to leave. I am SO happy. Don't get me wrong, its HOT and it's uncomfortable. But, I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.

haiti day 1

2010-03-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

Some scattered thoughts...

Day 1 in Haiti has been so great. I love it here. HOM (Haiti Outreach Mission) is great. Two guys right around our age are the ones leading us this week. We're pretty excited for new friends. We are staying in a compound and to be honest, it's pretty dang nice (for a 3rd world country of course). The compound serves as a school and a church. School hasn't been in session since the earthquake (government decree). The 2 dinners, cooked by a local Haitian have been SO good. Just finished a healthy portion of goat... We eat on the rooftop. Sunsets are awesome. I will say it's extremely HOT.

Today began with church at 6 AM. Three hours of LEGIT worship. Worship here is a constant thing. From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope. They are passionate. It seems to be a major misunderstanding that this country is filled with darkness and voodoo. I know we haven't been here long and we haven't seen a lot but from what I gain this place has HOPE. There is a sense of longing for the Lord. I love the culture.

This week will be tiring. From one afternoon of constant work (sanding and painting) we're all pretty exhausted. But I love it and we are happy to do it. We're all still feeling very expectant. I love this lifestyle. I love third world countries. The community here is really cool as well. They are several other small teams doing either medical missions or construction. All different ages. We eat meals together and have devotion together. Cool to be around people from all over, all different ages, and different life experiences. To sit around and here stories from WISE people is cool.

I'll stop now. There is obviously internet connection so I will try and blog some more this week. Prayers are appreciated. And for anyone wondering.... we all feel very safe here.

come Lord Jesus...

2010-03-12T23:11:00.000-08:00

The 5 of us are in Atlanta. This is crazy. I mean God is seriously about to rock this. The moment we all arrived tonight I could feel the Holy Spirit. He has appointed us, called us by name. There are only 5. But, this is right. It feels complete. We were able to spend a couple hours hearing from God together. And no words can explain the excitement that is within us. The EXPECTANCY is great. We are expecting big things, but NOT for our glory. We know and believe that His power is real and with this attitude we are going down there. There is NOTHING I can do. But HE who is in me will do it ALL. We are His vessels. His hands and feet. I can feel the desparity in the 5 of us. Hunger. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY. I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.

As we go to Haiti we all feel like we will be in the midst of spiritual warfare. Darkness. We will hit a rough place. But He is greater. He is light. We feel like the Holy Spirit is about to do something huge. Miracles. Healings. Dreams. Visions. We don't know. But, God is going to "pour out His Spirit" (Acts 2:17). Please be praying for us. For complete dependency on Him. For safety. For guidance. For more love. More wisdom. For HIS GLORY TO BE MADE KNOWN.

Brandy may have done a better job at capturing this beautiful night... http://branbren.blogspot.com/

me?

2010-03-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today I could cry. Not because of anything bad though. But because I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME. ME?! I am nothing. Yet, only because I have said "yes," He allows me to be part of something GREAT. His plan. His glory. I am humbled. I am in awe. I am in love.

I wish I had time to write more, but I am slightly stressed with school. Leaving for Haiti early Saturday morning. Expectant. Ready. Willing. Those 3 words will describe how I am feeling. Please be praying for preparations. Preparations of hearts, details, etc. Trusting Him in it all. Gah, I am honored He chooses me.

dwelling place.

2010-02-22T21:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight I am overwhelmed by a couple things...

One, He dwells inside of me.

Two, the Peace that comes with that.

These 2 things are something that I know, that I've learned about all my life, and experienced more than I can count. But, today both of them have hit me and I am reminded again just how much I love Him.

Do I grasp that fact that He dwells inside of me??? I mean thats a big deal. We possess His presence. My body is His temple. I've heard that my whole life. I know it. But to realize what He has entrusted to us. The wonder of this fact is CRAZY to me. Do I take this seriously? We have the flippin Spirit inside of us. He is holy. And so should we be. In Leviticus God says, "Be holy, because I am holy" (11:44 and again in 1 Peter 1:16). I pray that the seriousness of this will continue sinking in, deeper and deeper. "...Christ in you, the hope of glory." (Colossians 1:27).

Today, Tori (one of my fellow OT classmates and close friends) and I spent a few minutes before class praying for our trip to Haiti (YES! WE ARE GOING! Tickets are booked, its really happening...March 13th-20th). As we left the high stress class room to take a walk around campus soaking this trip in prayer, I was overwhelmed with His peace. Being in a classroom environment where I feel like I'm drowning in schoolwork can give me a little bit of anxiety. But to stop. And pray. And realize that He is the only one that matters. An overwhelming sense of PEACE and thankfulness flooded my heart. I KNOW Him and LOVE Him, but what's even better is that He loves me back. I just want people to know that simple but amazing truth. I want people to experience His presence and His peace. He is so good, maybe it sounds cheesy but I just can't help it.

remembering

2010-02-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, I just blogged but 1. I can't sleep and 2. There is so much on my mind.

I probably blog about the past experiences too much but I can't help it. Today, although I was forced to be consumed with school work, the world was in the back of my brain (what's new??). In particular, New Zealand. As another DTS is about the start in the quaint little town of Oxford and the staff (many of which are great friends) are preparing for this new batch of students, I long to be right back there. And of course since I can't be there my thoughts are on the many memories I have there. Almost an exact year has passed since I left. Emrie (one of my closest friends who I had the pleasure of also going on my outreach with) blogged today and she literally put words in my mouth. Today my thoughts are her thoughts so I figured I'd just copy them...

Sometimes the past year of my life seems very surreal. So much happened. I saw so many new things, met so many new people, walked on new turf, found myself in a whole new spirituality, began to live a whole new way. It all took place in the matter of months so I am still, to this day, processing what all went down to get me where I am now.
Depending on the day, I am either flooded with memories of where I have been and what I have done or don’t even consider that it at all happened...

I think it is great to remember. I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.
So today I am reminding myself YES I did study the Bible in New Zealand for 3 months, yes I spent one week tramping the South Island on foot with one sandwich, twenty dollars and two others in the name of Jesus and His provision, yes I played with orphaned children in Bali, yes I gave my testimony to a bunch of Taiwanese Senior Citizens, yes I went from door to door in rural Cambodia proclaiming the way of Jesus to Buddhist families, yes I looked prostitutes in the eyes and told them that they are loved by a God so much bigger than all of the mess they are stuck in, yes I got to walk where Jesus walked and see, firsthand, the history of the Bible in Israel. All of that was just the beginning, now I see that. God grabbed my heart and opened my eyes to a new way and I can’t deny it any longer. I have to live every day remembering what he has done for me so that I can continue to walk in that light.

Tonight all of these memories are flooding my head. My heart literally hurts. Will I ever go back to Oxford? Will I get to see my brothers and sisters that I shared so much life with again? It's hard. But like Emrie said, it is SO good to remember. To look back on His faithfulness and all that He taught me. Those 6 months shaped the way I will live for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to forget. Can we just hit the "rewind" button?

exodus and my pride.

2010-02-14T22:14:00.000-08:00

I could write pages on the book of Exodus. I've been reading through it this past week and WOW. Job was a hard one to get through but Exodus is another story. All I can say is I love Moses. I love the way God promises redemption to Israel. I love that I can actually picture these places in my head. I love how God chose Moses to deliver His people. I love Yahweh and all the characteristics of Him. I love that He is the same God who spoke to Moses on that mountain. I love that He does NOT need us yet desires for us to be a part of His mission. I love that his glory and beauty NEVER fade. I love that He has saught after me. That He has adopted me. I love that His plans and purposes are ALWAYS accomplished. That unlike the people of the Old Testament, we see Him and know Him! I love that He enabled His people to escape His wrath by providing a spotless lamb. I love that today the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning. The blood of a spotless lamb, and later the blood of Christ. The blood of the lamb of God saves the children of God. I love that He is full of GRACE and MERCY and He pours that out to me daily, just because I trust Him. I love Him. What a beautiful picture of redemption Exodus is.

"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable." -David Platt

On a different note...

I am a prideful person and I'm in the process of being humbled. I must be reminded daily that God is who defines me. He is the ONLY good inside of me. So, here's the deal, I want to be more like Jesus everyday. I want to get a little closer each day to looking and acting like Him. This is a journey. A journey that will take my whole life. A hard journey that I take seriously. I mean, His glory is at stake here. BUT, the problem is that I am sinful. And to be honest, it's hard not to think of myself first. It's hard not to be judgmental. It's hard to solely find my identity in Him. And it's hard not to think that He need's me to accomplish His plan. Lately I'm ashamed of myself and the pride that is in me. If He is living inside of me then these things are not acceptable. And so, He is in the process of breaking me. It's a good thing though. I deeply desire for Him to be all of me. For Him to define me. For the first time in my life I am asking Him to TRULY humble me. Less of me. More of Him. Way more. It's scary because I believe He gladly answers this prayer, but it's what I want and need in order to be more like Him. In Isaiah 66:2, the Lord says, "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.

Dreaming...

2010-01-31T15:21:00.001-08:00

This past week was a great week. Let's just say it was definitely a week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny. On Monday I recieved an email from someone that has been very influential in my life, especially throughout my middle and high school years, living on the other side of the world. He asked me to be part of a calling God has placed on him and his family. It is in the very beginning phases, but it is beginning to be pursued.

About 8 months ago I was asked the question:

If money was no hindrance and you knew God would say yes, what would be the biggest dream you could possibly think of?

Very fun question.

And I remember not knowing exactly but knowing that my 2 passions are the world/injustice and horses. To be able to SOMEHOW join the 2 together would be the best thing imagineable. Well, over the past year or so my calling to missions has been SO clear. Knowing that one day I will most likely live internationally, I just shove my love for horses to the back of my brain. I know that horses are not the most important thing in this world and I feel as if it would be something I would have to sacrifice. I don't like to think about it but I WILL be obedient to His calling and would not let that hold me back. BUT, at the same time, He made me with this passion. It's something unique that He has placed inside of me. So, to be able to join those 2...um, yes please.

SO, lets just say the dream that I was asked to be a part of this week is EXACTLY what I'm talking about here. The 2 joined together. Fighting injustice in a RADICAL way + horses. REALLY, God?!? I am SO excited to see where this goes. Definitely on my knees...

As the week progressed believe it or not I began wrestling with WHY I'm in grad school again. All I want to do is Isaiah 61. It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom as children are dying because of a lack of parents to provide for them. Is the world telling me I must have an education to serve well and love well? OR has God placed me here? I don't feel like I need a master's program to teach me how to love and how to be His hands and feet. Isn't Him living inside of me ENOUGH? People are crying out for help. Orphans need homes, shelters, and mothers who will love them and take them in. I need to go NOW. And in this moment of wrestling with Him, this is what He said to me...

'Katy, I am counting on you to help my children that people don't know how to help, the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them. Learn how to do this and on top of My love inside of you, you will also have these skills. Until then, pray. I will be preparing something huge for you my daughter. Trust me. Hold My hand and learn these unique skills for my abandoned children, my children no one knows how to care for. And, as you learn these skills I will be orchestrating the details that so many lives will get to be a part of. For now, fix your gaze on Me. I am the center and through Me alone, you can accomplish great things for my kingdom. Persevere.'

It's been a good week. I'm still dreaming, more than ever. I am excited about how He will use me. I am humbled that He picks me. And I am praying...

Joseph.

2010-01-26T18:39:00.000-08:00

So, lets talk about Jospeh. Joseph the favorite son, the hated brother, the slave, the pure servant, the prisoner, and the leader over all the land. I am blown away by his story in Genesis 37 to 50. Where to even begin with all I have learned from him...

I love how clearly this story portrays the providence of God. He is always there but sometimes He is very subtle. Throughout most of Genesis, God's role in Isaac and Abraham's lives is seemingly loud. Whereas, in Jospeh's life, God almost seems silent. He does not speak and walk (physically) with Joseph, yet Joseph is so faithful and so dedicated. How encouraging is that?

The story of Joseph portrays so clearly that THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED. As humans we are responsible for decisions but God's will CANNOT be stopped. He intends for things to happen. Yes, I have a responsibility to be obedient and make choices but even if my family sells me, I am put in prison, forgotten about, or in the middle of a great famine, His will WILL be done. I love being reminded that His purpose is not dependent on people or deterred by people. He is NEVER surprised. His will is NEVER thwarted. As Platt says, 'God has this thing rigged!' Praise God. May I grasp the fact that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. Trust and obey... that's what it's all about.

Another portrayal of God's will not being thwarted is that fact that Jospeh goes through (excuse my language) hell. He is sold, accused, thrown into prison. But, guess what? God takes the evil and turns it into good. He takes suffering and turns it into satisfaction. Comforting isn't it? No matter how hard life gets, how miserable I am, how dark it seems, I know that He turns evil into good. And just another way God shows us in the story of Joseph that His plan is NEVER thwarted.

"...for MY power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 19:9)

Ok, one more thing...

The same God who was with Joseph, who took him from slave to king, is the same God who is with me. He does not overlook details but He ORCHESTRATES them. One thing that has really convicted me this week and has for years is, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. Yes, He cares deeply for me. But, as He is orchestrating circumstances in my life, He is also working in a variety of people for a variety of goals. The answer to, 'God what are you doing in my life?' may be what He's doing in someone else's life. How silly it is for me to think that I am the only one that matters. This life is a beautiful picture of God's sovereignty, providence, and grace working in the lives of MANY for ONE purpose. He is the great orchestrator. And again, 'He has this thing rigged.'

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)

I mean you talk about someone whose gaze was locked on God. NOTHING distracted Joseph. May Joseph's life point me to my King. May I find comfort in God's great sovereignty. I hope and pray that these truths will be lodged inside of me...

Just BE.

2010-01-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

Lately, I am realizing a huge way the enemy is trying to make his evil little way into my life. I have had a constant feeling of being overwhelmed. Not with school, not with life, but in my walk with God. Satan is trying to take something that is so good and manipulate it into something bad. It's not an issue with not desiring God, or not desiring time with God. I deeply desire time with Him, and thats where I'm becoming overwhelmed. I get this feeling of failure, because the desires I do have to be with Him are so overwhelming. Does that make sense? There are SO many things I want to do, and not because I feel like I have to, but because I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory. But, I think since there is so much, I feel like I can never get it accomplished. And so the days continually go by, and I continually can't do it all. Having assigned daily readings is great, but so time consuming. I want more time in the day to pray. To pray for friends, for specific countries, ministries, and time to hear from Him. I want to journal. I want to listen to podcasts and read books. I want to serve. All of these things are me desperately wanting more of Him, but all of these things are also causing the enemy to get a foothold. Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed in walking out His will. I am remembering that being hungry for more of Him is a good thing, but I can not allow it to make me feel like a failure. Something I remember learning several months ago is, we are not human DO-ings, rather, we are human BE-ings. I must learn to just BE. His love is consistent. He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do. He continually pours out His mercy on me. I do not deserve Him. But He has counted me as worthy. I think I need to dwell on that...

i will rise (haiti).

2010-01-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

I should be asleep. But I can't. Haiti is on my heart. Has been all day. This horrible tradegy brings up questions. It brings brokenness and sadness. And it has brought many tears. The country and people of Haiti are all I can think about. I'll never understand WHY things like this happen, it just doesn't make sense. But, I do know that He IS THERE.

Today has been a day of hearing His voice SO very clearly. Last night, I was crying out to Him, fighting for Him and needing to feel Him fighting for me. The words "I will rise when You call my name" kept entering my head. I didn't know why. They didn't seem to be the words I needed to hear at the time. I went to sleep last night telling God that I needed to hear Him, I needed to see how He is near to me, I needed to experience Him. I woke up this morning and immediately began looking at pictures from the crisis in Haiti. Again, I was broken and tears were burning my eyes. Knowing it may be irrational (since I am in school) I began looking up plane tickets. What would it mean to just go. No questions. Just go. To an area of GREAT need. What would it look like for Christians all over the country to RISE UP, drop everything, and go? There are many more details that I will spare you, but over the course of the day I heard the Lord speaking so clearly. A very affordable plane ticket was found for 10 days that I have off in March. God is asking me to obey Him. To RISE WHEN HE CALLS MY NAME. Although I have no idea the who, what, and where details I KNOW that if I do not go I am being disobedient. I KNOW that He is asking me to trust Him, to step out and watch His hand work. I know that the cost of discipleship demands radical obedience, sacrifice, and love (Luke 14:25-35). I KNOW I am going to Haiti. Want to join me?

mouthful part II.

2010-01-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

(previous blog continued)...

Passion2010. Passsion was great. It is always very well done. Although everything about it is big (leaders, worship, lights, numbers, etc.), the focus is always on Jesus and the heart behind it is His. In the past, Passion has been an "oh. my. gosh. this is the most incredible thing everrrr" few days. I entered these few days expecting the same feeling but what I realized was that I do not need all of the "big stuff" to experience Him anymore. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED it. But, it was cool to see the consistency that has developed in my walk with the Lord. Now, I can hear Him and experience Him in a quiet room, or I can feel His presence as I'm walking to class. It doesn't take the worship leaders, speakers, and 22,000 other college students to get me 'fired up.' Experiencing worship with 22,000 people is a beautiful thing. To me it is a small glimpse of heaven. Corporate worship is one of my most favorite things. But, I have learned that I can give Him the same amount of praise when I am alone. It's a good place to be. To be dependent on ONLY Him. To be consistent. To be very much in LOVE with Him. To feel unshakeable. To be clinging to Him. And to be passionate about Him. So, Passion2010 was a good few days to hear some great speakers and worship Him corporately, but it's cool to see the growth I have experienced as I look back on the past conferences I've been apart of. $600,000 was given for several causes over the few days. That was one of my favorite parts about it all. Check all that out here... http://268generation.com/blog/2010/01/together-we-are-a-force-for-good/.

School. It has begun. And whats new?? It's hard. It's not where I want to be. I am questioning yet again. All I can think about is injustice. The world. I doubt so much. I know that I am here for a greater purpose. I always doubt if there is where He wants me. I also doubt if I will ever have the skills I need to fulfill His purpose. I feel like I could never be prepared for where He will place me. But, I am reminded that it is not me anyway, it's Him, using me to reach His people. So, with Him, I can do anything. May He ALWAYS remind me that it is NEVER by my strength, but always by His.

I was listening to a David Crowder song yesterday and these lyrics struck me. It seems like this is the Lord speaking to me as I struggle and doubt that He is equipping me for something great.

O please do stay
Where you remain
Do not fall
Do not fall
Something greater
Is on the way
Just hang on
Try to hang on
Try to hang on

a mouthful.

2010-01-08T13:01:00.000-08:00

There is a lot I want to talk about.

One being the year of 2009.

Two being the year of 2010.

Three being Passion2010 (268generation.com)

And four being the start of semester number 2.

2009. A good year. The best year I've ever had. It's been different. It has over exceeded all expectations and there is NO WAY I could possibly give it justice. I saw the world. I experienced amazing community. From a unique groups of friends in Auburn, to the most beautiful country in the world (New Zealand), around SE Asia (Indonesa, Taiwan, Cambodia, Thailand), to God's chosen Land (Israel), and then to Birmingham, where my journey of "equipping" has begun. I have learned more than I thought possible. About people, cultures, countries, love, obedience, prayer, encouragement, fighting, living simply, being radical, the demands of the gospel, mercy, compassion, injustice, justice, homelessness, trust, missions, contentness, holy anguish, OT, oh the list could go on and on. This has been a year of confidence, a year of calling, a year of trusting, a year of depending, a year of laying down, a year of falling in love with my King. Of knowing that I. Cannot. Do. It. but... He. Can. Like I said, these few words can not come close to what He has done in me this year. But I'll stop here for your sake.

2010. It's hard for me to enter this year thinking that 2010 will not be able to touch 2009. I am in Birmingham. All year. Sitting in a classroom. All year. Feeling somewhat trapped. All year. Pessimistic? Yes. BUT what I do know and am believing is that He can do SO much in me. I am trusting Him for great things. This WILL BE a good year. I will fight for it. I will fight for Him. I have got to trust that my obedience will lead to blessing. I have made a list of goals/resolutions, whatever you want to call them. I am blessed to be a part of such a great community that has helped shape some of my goals for this new year. My church is beginning a journey together that has been named 'the radical experiment' (www.radicalexperiment.org). I will not bore you with an entire list of 2010 goals. But a few things that I want to accomplish this year are...

-praying for the entire world. (operationworld.org)

-reading through the entire Bible (I am embarrassed to say that I have never read the complete Bible. It is time. Way past time).

-sacrifice.

-give/serve in another context.

-invest/build relationships with the international community here.

-serve/love the homeless.

to be continued...

hush!

2009-12-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

I want to share a few things I've noticed come out of multiple people's mouth over this holiday break. As much as I love every person who has said them, these phrases/thought processes/quotes have really been bothering me...

1. In regards to missions, third world countries, or countries in dire need, I have noticed that many people say/make the excuse, "it's just too sad for me" or "it would just be too hard to see people like that." A lot of people do not want to see or hear anything about areas where there are people suffering. I have found that most of these people have huge hearts but decide to supress any emotions they may feel because they either don't want to feel responsible for it OR believe that they are not able to make a difference anyway. Injustice and poverty is chosen to be ignored. I don't understand that mindset. I do know that when we choose to ignore these issues, we miss out. We miss out on God's purpose for our life (Isaiah 58). We miss out on His heart (which is for the poor and helpless). We miss out on gaining joy and wisdom, and seeing hope. We miss out on what these beautiful people have to offer us and on the ways God desires to use us, transform us, and reveal more of Himself to us. It is a great loss and, I believe, a great act of disobedience, to forget or ignore the hopeless, helpless, and forgotten people.

2. Something that was said to me that literally brought tears to my eyes was, "one person cannot make a difference anyway." This was in regards to going somewhere that is filled with need, a country that almost seems helpless. When I heard this I couldn't say anything. It really upset me. To believe that one person cannot help is a lie from the enemy. He wants us to think that a life is not worth our time. I agree that there are SO many countries in dire need and it seems overwhelming. But, doesn't change begin with ONE person? One life that is obedient to the Lord's will, WILL have a major impact. Ripple effect (from there it keeps growing). And all of heaven rejoices when ONE person turns to Him.

3. One of the hardest and most common thing said to me is, "there is enough need right here, in our own backyards." Believe it or not... I KNOW. Believe me, I see need EVERYWHERE I go. It's like my eyes are a magnet to need. I spend 98% of my time here and hopefully I am helping needs be met. And not to outweigh the needs here, but if people could see the immeasurable amount of needs in the world, I think we would quit saying things like this. If you're not someone who enjoys leaving the country, then encourage and support the ones who actually do want to go and are willing to go, go. Then, help take on responsibility for the needs here. I guarantee that 95% of people who say this haven't done much here at all. So, quit telling me that there is enough dang need right in my backyard.

4. And the last mindset that can really get me fired up is, "well, you shouln't/can't go there because it's just not a safe place." Almost EVERYONE thinks this way. And when I answer saying that the unsafe areas do not scare me, I am blamed for being selfish for wanting to put people who love me through that. Heaven forbid I die and go to heaven! I know this is said because there are many people here who deeply love me and don't want me to get hurt. I really appreciate that and I love and care for them just as much. But, I'm here for one purpose and that is to carry out His will and bring glory to Him. The gospel demands us to follow Him wherever He leads. I laid down my life for Him years ago and because of that I no longer live, but He lives in me. It can be costly. I love how my pastor puts it, he says, "the most dangerous place to be may be in the center of God's will." In Acts 20, Paul says, "I consider my life worth NOTHING to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the Gospel of God's grace." May this be how all of us feel. I love my parents. I respect my parents. But, I love Jesus more. I cannot and will not ignore His call for me. If it is dangerous, and I am called there, I will go. I trust Him. He is the shepherd in whom I fully trust will guide and protect me. Yes, I know, "we've got to be smart." But yet again, the lives of people are just as significant as my life.

Adventure

2009-12-25T13:26:00.000-08:00

I LOVE the way this children's book tells the story...

Now some people think the Bible is a book of rules, telling you what you should and shouldn't do. The Bible certainly does have some rules in it. They show you how life works best. But the Bible isn't mainly about you and what you should be doing. It's about God and what he has done.
Other people think the Bible is a book of heroes, showing you people you should copy. The Bible does have some heroes in it, but most of the people in the Bible aren't heroes at all. They make some big mistakes (sometimes on purpose). They get afraid and run away. At times they are downright mean.
No, the Bible isn't a book of rules, or a book of heroes. The Bible is most of all a Story. It's an adventure story about a young Hero who comes from a far country to win back his lost treasure. It's a love story about a brave Prince who leaves his palace, his throne--- everything--- to rescue the one he loves. It's like the most wonderful of fairy tales that has come true in real life!
You see, the best thing about this Story is --- it's true!
There are lots of stories in the Bible, but all the stories are telling one Big Story. The Story of how God loves his children and comes to rescue them.
It takes the whole Bible to tell this Story. And at the center of the Story, there is a baby. Every story in the Bible whispers his name. He is like the missing piece in a puzzle --- the piece that makes all the other pieces fit together, and suddenly you can see a beautiful picture.
And this is no ordinary baby. This is the Child upon whom everything would depend.
Everything was ready. The moment God had been waiting for was here at last! God was coming to help his people, just as he promised in the beginning.
But how would he come? What would he be like? What would he do?
Mountains would have bowed down. Seas would have roared. Trees would have clapped their hands. But the earth held its breath. As silent as snow falling, he came in. And when no one was looking, in the darkness, he came.
.... But this child was a new kind of king. Though he was the Prince of Heaven, he had become poor. Though he was the Mighty God, he had become a helpless baby. This King hadn't come to be the boss. He had come to be a servant.

Christmas. The story blows me away. The king came. The king of the universe. Jesus. As I dwell on Him this Christmas, who He is, what He has done, and what He is going to do, tears well up in my eyes. I LOVE Him and He has blessed me. My heart is for the world to know His love. To see how significant this birth is. Merry Christmas friends.

Christmas.

2009-12-18T09:12:00.000-08:00

Gather round ye children come,

Listen to the old old story

Of the power of death undone

By an infant born of glory

Son of God, Son of Man

Every Christmas there is a specific part of the story that grabs my attention. This year I cannot stop thinking about the 400 years leading up to the birth of Jesus. 400 years of SILENCE. No prophesy's. No word from God. NOTHING. I don't think I've ever really given this much thought. But, can you imagine? How did they believe? How did they live? HOW? I just don't understand. There was nothing. Nothing but DESPERATION and YEARNING. Not a peep from God.

Our enemy, our captor is no pharaoh on the Nile

Our toil is neither mud nor brick nor sand

Our ankles bear no calluses from chains, yet Lord, we're bound

Imprisoned here, we dwell in our own land

Deliver us, deliver us

Oh Yahweh, hear our cry

And gather us beneath your wings tonight

Our sins they are more numerous than all the lambs we slay

These shackles they were made with our own hands

Our toil is our atonement and our freedom yours to give

So Yahweh, break your silence if you can

And then He appears.

After 400 YEARS of silence. He APPEARS. And how did He appear? Not majestically. Drawing no attention. He comes in the form of a baby. The silence is broken by the cry of a baby. A baby that will one day become king (the child would bring a Kingdom and the old would come to pass away). Not just a typical king. But a King of ALL NATIONS. All people. All time.

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Christ is born

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Christ is born

'All glory be to God on high

And to the earth be peace

Good will henceforth from God to man

Begin and never cease'

I try to imagine living in that time. I think about being born and then dying during these 400 years, never hearing from Him or experiencing Him. I would feel abandoned. Would I believe His promises given in early years that a Savior would come? I'm not sure. WOW. Then I think about living during the time that the babies cry broke the silence. Oh my gosh, could you imagine? After yearning and longing for a King, He comes! In such a humble way, He comes. The Savior of the world CHOSE to dwell with us. Who would choose to come to earth to be crucified? But He chose because He loves us. He came to suffer, to save, to be our substitute, to show us how to live, and to serve us.

He'll bear no beauty or glory

Rejected, despised

A man of such sorrow

We'll cover our eyes

He'll take up our sickness

Carry our tears

For his people

He will be pierced

He'll be crushed for our evils

Our punishment feel

By his wounds

We will be healed.'

I think this Christmas I just can't stop thinking about the desperation of the people during that time. Their cries for Yahweh to deliver them. It's almost like I can feel that yearning for the Messiah. But then, I can feel the pure JOY that came with His birth.

Behold the Lamb

The hope of man

Behold the Lamb of God

Merry Christmas.

(The lyrics are from Andrew Peterson's, "Behold the Lamb of God" album, buy it, it may change your life.)

disciples.

2009-12-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

Following after Jesus, aka being a disciple, can be made out to be pretty effortless, comfortable, even fun sometimes. What we either a) don't realize or b) choose to bypass, is that this is not an accurate picture of what Scriptures tell us. When Jesus invited people to become followers it wasn't your typical alter call. He wasn't sugar coating it, or trying to sell Himself. In Luke 14:25-35, He said...

"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple. And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple...

In the same way, any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple."

Do we know Christ this way? Do we follow Him the way He calls us to follow Him? It seems to me like we always water this down, soften it, in order to justify how we are living. We must hate our father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, friends, classmates, roommates, and our own life to be His disciple? Are you sure? YES, He requires a SUPERIOR LOVE over everything. A love that in comparison makes our love for everyone else look like hate. A love so superior that causes love for others to spring up. So, the question is, do I truly love Him? Is He the reason I live? Do I want Him more than anything else? This reminds me of when I first got to NZ. Love and passion for Him was missing and I knew that if I could truly love Him, then everything else should stem from that love. As I prayed for love, He gave it to me. But, today, I am reminded to continue praying for this superior love. I am challenged by the fact that I may not love Him as much as I should. I love other things in life too. But, I want to love Him superiorly. I desire a superior love for Him. He is worthy of it, no doubt. He does not deserve left overs. And, if He does not recieve all my love, then I am not a disciple. It's as simple as that.

He also requires an EXCLUSIVE LOYALTY from me (14:27). The reality is, if I am carrying my cross, I am dead, i.e. I have no plans, no dreams, everything is over. Being dead to myself is what it means to be a disciple. THROUGH THE CROSS OF CHRIST, WE DIE TO THE LIFE WE LIVE. Galatians 2:20 says that 'I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.' I am dead to everything yet alive to Him. Now, the life of Christ determines everything about me. We forget to COUNT THE COSTS of what it means to be a disciple. Just like a warrior going into war, it is important for us to consider whats at stake before going into battle. I am a warrior, in a battle, and there are many costs. Following Him is costly.

Jesus also requires TOTAL LOSS (or SACRIFICE). Most of us have a negative connotation to the word sacrifice. Hebrews 11:26...

"He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward."

I LOVE this verse. Moses new that the disgrace, hardships, and suffering were nothing compared to Christ, our great reward. When we realize what the reward is, it doesn't seem like sacrifice at all! I am told that in order to be His disciple, I should give up everything. Not just a few things, EVERYTHING.

And this is where I get fired up...

What I've been wanting to write about all semester but I know I don't have it down, so who am I to talk? But here goes...

As Christians, we should be taking His word seriously. Not the watered down, disregard the hard parts, soften it up a bit, easy way. NO. I have been challenged and frustrated by this all semester. How can "Christians" go on preaching this watered down version of the gospel??? How can Christians go on living watered down lives??? I don't get it. How could we miss it? It's right there! Do we not believe that the words that come out of JESUS' mouth are TRUTH? He straight up tells us. A life following Him is COSTLY. It's HARD. The world is continually being decieved on what it truly means to be a Christ follower because "Christians" continually live giving Him divided love, half-hearted obedience, and partial control. If you are searching, do not look to the typical 'sunday-goer' because I have found that very FEW actually grasp this radical life we are called to live. Look at the Word of God. Go to Him. He is the ONLY one with answers. The only good and perfect being. I am so sick of His word and this life we are called to live being watered down, disregarded, and ignored. SO sick of it. Because, HE. IS. WORTH. IT. He is worth the cost. The reward is worth it. A reward greater than ANYTHING else. I want people to know this so badly. To believe it and experience it. He is the only one worthy. He alone is worthy of a superior love, exclusive loyalty, and total sacrifice. Only He can satisfy. This. Is. The. Gospel. No, it doesn't make sense. No, I'm sure as heck not perfect. But, yes, He is wrenching my heart and opening my eyes to see His supremacy. Yes, I am wrestling with Him trying to figure out what this means for my life. And my deepest desire right now is to embrace Him, abandon it all, give Him my life, fall on my face, let go of myself, fix my eyes on him and RUN TO HIM.

an outsider.

2009-12-05T21:03:00.000-08:00

Lately...

I feel like an outsider. Like I don't belong. Like no one thinks the same as me. No one understands me. I feel different. Wierd. Not normal. Unordinary.

I have an overwhelming hunger and thirst for righteousness. Justice. A burden that I can't shake. A burden for the lost, the broken, and the poor. And I think more than ever I feel like I am the only one who thinks this way. It's a consistent grabbing of my heart. I can't shake it. I want others to know. Don't they see it? The injustice, how the world is so unfair? How there is so much need? There are days where the individual faces of Cambodian students, Phillipino contacts, prostitutes in Thailand, friends in Indonesia, Ugandan orphans, or Kenyan street kids flash through my head. I cannot and will not forget these precious people. They remind me constantly of the great need all around the world. And I just feel so alone in carrying this burden. I desire for people to grasp it. To see the need and to take the gospel seriously. To make it become a reality.

More than ever I am grasping the fact that my citizenship is not on earth. It is in heaven. I truly feel like I don't belong here. I am a child of God and this place is temporary. I just wish He'd hurry up because this feeling of not-belonging is hard.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." (Phillipians 4:20).

"But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the RIGHTEOUSNESS for which we hope." (Galations 5:5)

rest, church, and prayer

2009-11-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

I cannot seem to get enough of Him. It's a good place to be. I just returned from NC for my first break since I hit American soil in August. It was a short break as this tuesday is my first final exam. But, as I said, I am SO thirsty for Him. This whole break all I wanted to do (besides eat turkey and see family) was sit and enjoy Him, reminisce on what He has taught me these few months, and learn more on how I can better reflect Him. I love Him. I am passionate about Him. And I am so thankful that I know Him. As I enter into these final 2 weeks of the semester, my prayer is that I will not put this hunger and thirst aside for books and tests. It will be hard to put Him first, to not get anxious or stressed about the 300 finals ahead of me, but He is my priority.

One thing I have been so grateful for recently is the church I have been attending in Birmingham. Wow. I am overwhelmed with the obedience of this church and the pastor. He is literally wrecking lives. The word that is preached is SO pure, not your typical watered down version of the gospel. It is RADICAL. Truth is preached and people cannot deny His calling on thier lives. The Holy Spirit is there and I am grateful to be a part of it. I will say that when I first started going to this church at the beginning of the semester I was very wary of the fact that it's what we call a "mega-church." But, it is without a doubt where I am supposed to be, where I am getting fed and challenged, and where I desire to be a part of His body. I wish everyone could come...

Another thing I am overwhelmed with is the fact that He wants to use me. He has chosen me. He has a huge purpose for me. In Homewood, AL, I can change the world. PRAYER. Intercession. He can accomplish His will through ME praying. What?! So, why wouldn't I pray? The more I pray for people and the world and seek His heart for the nations, the more He is humbling me. How do I get to be a part of of His HUGE plan for the nations? Really? Through devoting a small amount of time to chase after His heart for people, He is teaching me and blessing me and USING me more than I ever thought possible. I am HUMBLED to be an "heir" of the most high King.

life, weddings, and holy anguish.

2009-11-15T15:02:00.001-08:00

A few thoughts...

The other day, I was asked the question...

Where would you be if you weren't in Birmingham getting your masters?

And although I have been struggling with wanting to be anywhere in the world but here, I didn't have an answer. Crazy that after continually trying to convince myself that I am supposed to be somewhere else I've never really thought about where EXACTLY I would be. Which is the Lord confirming yet again that I am EXACTLY where He has me.

After 3 months I'm finally feeling a little more settled. Over the course of these 3 months I have felt as if I've been home FOREVER and then at other times I feel like it has FLOWN by. It is a little hard to believe that if i make it through these next few weeks, I will have completed my first semester of OT school. And only by His grace and strength have I. It's also hard to believe that He has increased my love for people and the world even more. Was that possible? I guess so. My heart aches for the world.

One of my best friends just got married. She was the first out of a group of 6 best friends. This time last year Jamie and Nick had not even met. Now, they are in Mexico on the their honeymoon. They met over Christmas on a cruise and I guess you could say it was 'love at first sight.' Three months later they were engaged. Jamie's life is as close to fairy tale that I've seen and it is so fun to watch the Lord continually bless her for her faithfulness and love for Him. She is SO happy and was literally the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. I'm so happy for both of them. And as always weddings get me thinking....one day it will be my turn...

Holy anguish...

I've been thinking about these 2 words for a week or so...

Here we are, KNOWING Jesus. I mean like really knowing Him, have a relationship with Him, growing in Him, loving Him, and trusting Him. We know that we have a treasure that not everyone has. And we know that people that do not know Him will (not to be harsh) go to hell as we go on to eternal life in heaven.

Hell...

I think I've never really given this place too much thought. And what I'm realizing is that I don't want to. I've heard that it is a place of fire and evil. It's where the "bad people" go. Where the murderers and thieves go. The rapists and abusers go. In scripture it talks about it as a place of torture, pain, and suffering for eternity.

Although I believe that hell exists and people do go there, it's very hard for me to believe that God actually allows that. But, He is a God to be feared. I think we don't want to think about this place because maybe we have lost loved ones or know people that weren't necessarily 'Christians.' There are so many 'good' people that don't believe in Jesus and they will go on to be tortured for eternity?! Really?! Yes. He is the WAY. The only way.

SO...

Knowing this. Knowing that Hell is real. Knowing that none of us want to go there. Knowing that by not believing or having a relationship with our Creator, we will go.

Knowing these things, the question is....

ARE WE LIVING THAT WAY?

Are we living in holy anguish? Are we telling people about Him? Or are we being selfish with this gift of salvation that can be offered to EVERYONE?

I don't know about ya'll but I cannot live my life and be ok with the fact that so many people will go on to be tortured for ETERNITY as I dance on the streets of gold. That just doesn't seem fair. There is an urgency. I don't know about you but I don't want anyone to suffer for eternity. I'm trying to live this out. This urgency. This holy anguish....

send me!

2009-11-02T20:02:00.001-08:00

All I can think about is the world. I want to go. Now.

Some recent questions...

God,

Is this where You really want me?

Am I wasting my time?

My money?

Will I really use OT?

Are you sure God?

Are you sure?

I don't know what the answer is. I do know that I have never in my life felt such a longing to GO. Missionary? I don't know. I've avoided that word being my profession for a while. But I cannot get away from the fact that I love missions. I love the world. I love people. I love cultures. And most of all, I love God. I cannot stop 'yelling' the words I WANT TO GO! as I talk to Him.

Somedays I think I'm so ordinary, so normal, like I haven't changed. I love walking my dog through the neighborhood, I love being consumed with horses and riding, I love my feathery/girly bed. But then I see how unordinary I am. How I have changed. How my eyes fill with tears at the sight of a homeless person. How my heart beats faster when I see/hear stories of the way He has changed lives. How I long to soak in His presence. The nations are constantly on my mind. I am burdened for the world. I desire to be doing work for His kingdom.

And again these words convict me....Be content where you are.

This is a constant theme. Why can I not learn this?

Birmingham is where I am. An OT student is what I am doing. Is this where I'm supposed to be? I don't know. I think I don't want it to be where I'm supposed to be (does that make sense?). I'm going to keep seeking Him, keep stepping forward, hoping that He will speak and guide me clearly. Right now, as my heart cries out 'I WANT TO GO,' I must learn contentment. This phase of graduate school is going to be a long one if I cannot grasp this concept.

"The Nations whisper my name with a familiarity and I will return to them in time."

This is what I miss. Where I long to return one day...

confusion.

2009-10-24T13:33:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile, but it's not because of lack of God working in my life. He continue's to guide me, teach me, love me, and reassure me.

As my time on the "mission field" gets further and further away, I have been getting more and more worried of losing what He taught me or forgetting what I saw. I realize that I cannot cling to the past but I also don't want to get "stuck" thinking that a mediocore/comfortable life is what God wants from me. Gross. I realized how many of my persepctives had changed over 6 months after I returned. I'll give you one example...

Confession: My whole life I've wanted what probably most Americans want. A cute/nice little house filled with luxuries and comforts that I love. The dog in the back yard, swing in the front yard, and kids running around the safe neighborhood (and lets be honest, a little barn with Wicklow in it). When I moved back to Birmingham and began taking weekly walks/runs around the neighborhood I realized that as much as I still love looking at all the "precious" houses, nothing in me desired that lifestyle. BUT, as the weeks go on and I become more and more removed from the missionary lifestyle, I'm realzing that with each walk around my cute little neighborhood that desire for a comfortable lifestyle is re-surfacing. Is it bad? I'm not sure. I do know that it scares me. Please don't get me wrong, I know that God uses everyone of us right where we are, and He calls many people to live this "dream" life of mine. I've just really been struggling with this since I've been back. What does it look like to live as Jesus did when I'm living in a nice house, own a car, and on top of that am bogged down with school books and assignments. He gave everything. He was homeless. He wasn't concerned with fashion, cars, or houses. SO how do I justify being concerned with that? Is it justifiable? I'm confused.

What I know is that I want my life to look like Jesus'. I want to be radical. I want SO badly to be used in mighty ways. I don't want the way of life I was immersed in for 6 months to just become a mere memory. I don't want to lose my passion or focus.

One more thing...

I am realizing how excited I am for what's ahead of me. I am so willing and open to be used anywhere in the world. I know that OT will give me so many opportunities. But because of my heart for the world I'm having a hard time feeling trapped here. Not a day does by where I don't think about the possibilities of missions. I guess I'm just ruined for the ordinary (ha...AW80 anyone?). BUT, although I am so excited for future opportunities I'm also realizing the importance of letting God use me here. He has placed so many cool things in my lap and given me so many visions. The prayer/intercession group is finally starting. Our first meeting was last week. I cannot begin to express how great it was to come together and seek God's heart for topics in the world and the city. As I said, there are many great oppportunities to be used here. I'm excited. I'm thankful. But more than anything I'm remembering that seeking His face above it all is the most important thing I can do.

zach.

2009-10-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

I finally got to hang out with the homeless a few days ago. I LOVED it. I was able to hear stories and see a beautiful picture of the gospel come to life. Let me share...

Zach is a 30 year old from Chicago. He's been living on the streets of Birmingham for about 8 years now. We sat and talked for a couple hours. To start, he couldn't get over the fact that Ruthie and I were just there to hang out. Not with a church, charity, or any organization. We just wanted to be friends and hear stories. That blew his mind. During our conversation the topic of faith came up. Zach is not a Christian. His mom is Buddhist and as he said, he just doesn't give a beep about that stuff. Zach is smart though. He's a thinker. And believe me, he made me think too. It basically came down to "faith isn't reality." The reality for people like Zach is that life is a fight. A fight for food, a place to sleep, and to stay alive. His point was that no matter what higher power you believe in, the world still goes on, so what's so real about this faith?

Sure it's [relatively] easy for people like me to have faith. I have a car, a comfortable bed to sleep in every night, a roof over my head, a family that loves and supports me. But it's just not really fair that because of my circumstances I am able to believe in a God who has blessed me and taken care of me. And how do you portray to someone with poor circumstances that faith IS real? I KNOW that Jesus is alive and at work among us but how do you convey that to a homeless man whose life looks nothing like mine?

Zach brought up many questions, not doubts, just questions.

In another part of the conversation Zach said he just needs $27 to start making his way back to Chicago. I know, I know, you're not supposed to give money to homeless people but a guy who had joined us early on in the conversation offered to give him the remaining money. Zach was adament that he could not take the money without paying him back someway. But the message conveyed to Zach was that the conversation and questions that were brought up today were Zach's way of paying him back. What a cool picture of who Christ is. We don't have to pay Him anything because it's all paid for and He loves us that much. Zach couldn't get over that. Sometimes I can't really get over that either. What a beautiful picture of the gospel.

I don't know if Zach took anything away from this time but I sure did. I pray that he saw a REAL picture of who Jesus is and that God would continue stirring in his heart.

into the wild?!?

2009-09-27T21:16:00.000-07:00

March 2012...

I've been dreamin' about what will happen at this time in my life. Get ready...

I'm going on a road trip, 'into the wild' style.

At this point in my life I will be have graduated from OT school in Decemeber, hopefully I'll go to Zambia with UAB for a couple months and then its time to hit the road.

I want to see the U.S. and maybe Canada while I'm at it. My good friend Rachel and I have been brainstorming this idea all weekend and I am serious that this is NOT just an idea but WILL happen. We all know I love the world and plan on seeing much much more (maybe all?!?!) of it over the course of my life. But there are SO many awesome places in my own country that I want to see. So here's the plan. Rent an RV/van. Round up a group. Make a complete loop of the country. No time frame. No agenda. Just loving people. Hearing stories. Taking pictures. Serving. Laughing, dancing, singing. Community. Living simply. Faith. Dependency. Experiencing His creation and His people. Guided completely by the Holy Spirit.

I know, maybe you think I'm crazy. But, it's a dream and one thing I've learned recently is to dream big because we serve a BIG and GREAT God. Of course this mighty God of mine could call me somewhere else but for now I'd like to think this will be in His plan for me. So, anyone want to join?

action.

2009-09-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

I miss YWAM. I miss the people, the leaders, Emrie. I miss New Zealand, the base, Christchuch, friday night outreach. I miss being the only southern one (and getting made fun of for it). I miss how different everyone was. I miss traveling and giving my testimony (who would have thought?!?!) and telling people about this Savior I live for. I miss Cambodia, our contacts there, and my precious little class. I miss seeing new things everyday. I miss corporate prayer and worship and feeling like my life is filled with so much purpose. I miss being challenged spiritually on a daily basis and being made to depend on Him. I miss being poured into and in turn pouring out constantly.

This week I've been thinking a lot about how I can best be used by Him in this city. I'm struggling. I feel as if I'm doing nothing to further His kingdom. My life over the past month has revolved around me, and to be honest, it's disgusting me. I don't want to live selfishly. I desire to love others above myself. Time has been passing me by and I'm sick of letting it pass and not doing anything. God has given me so many ideas. Knowing that I literally don't have enough time for all the ideas He's given me, I've been waiting on Him to speak on what to choose specifically to do. But what I've learned and been reminded of is that I must be the one to make the first step. Too often we wait for the Lord to tell us where to go or what to do when the reality is that He's clearly told us to GO and further His kingdom. I'm not underestimating the importance of waiting on Him. BUT, He is waiting for us to step out, open the first door. He'll guide and direct each step but we must step out knowing and trusting that He will speak to us. I've been asking too long what it is He wants me to do and He's spoken many things so my job now is to step out in boldness.

I'm a little nervous about a couple things He's told me to do but I'm excited too. This week I was able to make some steps of obedience. Be praying for God's provision in it all and that I would learn exactly what it means to walk in His Spirit daily.

fight.

2009-09-09T21:29:00.000-07:00

God is fighting for me.

This morning I woke up in quite a "funk." Immediately I surrendered. I told Him that although I know He fights for me everyday I'm going to really need Him to fight today. I've been a fighter since I've been home but for some reason the past couple days have been "weird." I don't like it. It scares me. I don't want to lose this passionate love for Jesus that I have. Before I came home (from DTS) He reminded me that as much as I fight for Him, He is fighting for me a million times harder. I needed that to become a reality today. And did He fail me? Nope. Never. He is fighting for me. The King of the universe is fighting for ME. He fights for all of us, even when we don't take notice of it. I am overwhelmed once again by His goodness. We all should be fighters but never forget that He is the ultimate fighter.

One more thing...

This picture (taken by the Hubble Telescope) is unbelievable. "The heavens are telling the glory of God!" Psalm 19:1. Literally. We serve a mighty, beautiful, and creative God don't we?

peace.

2009-09-07T16:39:00.000-07:00

I hate that I haven't blogged in a while. It's such a good way for me to process, but life lately is so busy. School is hard. I feel like for the next 2 years I will constantly feel like I can't catch up. One day I feel like I may have a handle on it, and the next I think I'll never be able to get through it all. The few times I've actually been able to sit and really process/think about life I've realized that God is still moving and working in my life in many ways. I'll share a little of that....

I love Jesus SO much. He is SO good. Seriously, each time I really stop and think about Him, I cry. When I was in New Zealand I prayed consistently for Him to give me more love. When I left I definitely knew that prayer had been answered and now, 5 months later, I realize He is continuing to give me even more. So awesome.

Time has already been a huge issue for me, which I hate. I know that the time I spend with Him is SO important and I will not give that up to anyone. I truly want to be able to sit and be with Him for hours each day. I am so desperate to be in His presence. But, where do I find the time? It's definitely a balancing act. But, He has given me such a peace in being back. As probably most of you know I would LOVE to be out in the "world" somewhere. A few of my good friends are either 1) heading to Africa in the next month, 2) making plans to go with a group in the next few months OR 3) still traveling and ministering to people all over the world. Of course my first tendency is to become jealous but what's cool is that although I wish so badly I could go I also know that it's not the season that God has me in right now. He has reminded me of my role over the next few years (or more) and given me such a peace about it. My role is to encourage, support, and pray for them. It excites me so much to see people who are denying themselves and being obedient to His will/calling on their lives. I am so excited for everything they will see and experience, the way He will use them, and what He will teach them. I am excited to play a small role in supporting them as they get to "go" to the nations.

I'm also realizing that I must give EVERYTHING in my life to God. It's cool to me that even in the areas that I feel like to God would be trivial are areas that He still wants to rule. He made me this way, with certain passions, and there is no way He would neglect those areas of my life. It's all important to Him. I've got to believe and trust that He cares. I'm learning to seek His voice and direction in EVERY area.

God is continually reminding me that this is where I am supposed to be. A few months ago, in the villages of Cambodia, I remember thinking that I had never felt like I was more in His will than I was in that moment. I knew it was exactly where I was supposed to be. We were telling people about Jesus to Cambodians who had literally never heard His name before. The other day I got the same feeling except this time I was in Birmingham, AL, surrounded by churches and people who have grown up hearing the name of Jesus. I am right in His will right now. And I just think it's so cool that in 2 of the most opposite locations I could get the same feeling and affirmation from God. It's good to know that this is right where I am supposed to be.

I am reminding myself daily to fix my eyes on Him. There are MANY things in my life right now BUT if I cannot remember the goal, which is Him and His glory, then all of this is completely meaningless. This may make no sense, but to me all of the "stuff" in my life (OT school, riding, Bham, friends, etc) are transparent. When I look at each "thing" I can see God's face on the other side. I can see Him through everything. It's so important for me not to lose sight of Him in it all. I am running this race, one foot after another, pressing in, and striving more and more to become like Jesus. That's the purpose of life. May I learn to be a living sacrifice, lay my life down over and over, surrendered, with arms wide open, and completely obedient to what He has in store for me. I KNOW He will pick me up and carry me when I fail. I am asking Him for confidence, provision, guidance, enjoyment in school, and opportunities to make Him known. I'm excited for what He's doing in me as well as my family all over the world. He's cool.

the u.s. of a.

2009-08-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

Wow. I'm in Birmingham. I can't believe I've been home for a week. Now that I've seen everyone, had some good meals, and slept in a comfortable bed.... I'm ready to keep traveling. But, I can't. I'm here for atleast 2 1/2 years.

The first few days back were like a dream. I felt like I had never left (which I didn't like). I was able to see my parents, friends, and of course Wicklow. The weekend in Auburn flew by and before I knew it I was in my new house in Birmingham. About day 4 is when everything started to hit me. Exhaustion. Culture Shock. Missing my fellow DTS-ers. I'm really missing everyone. And I'm SO jealous that everyone is traveling/relaxing right now. Knowing that makes sitting in the classroom all day way worse than it already is. It's so hard to go from relationships with people being the most important part of my life to school overtaking my life. My first week was overwhelming to say the least. As of right now I have no idea how I will survive this semester. The class load and work load is more than I thought possible. Very scary. I literally do not feel like I can do this. BUT, here is what I'm clinging to....I KNOW that I am in His will right now. He will pull me through this if it's His plan. It is only by His grace and provision that I made it into this program, so He will help me through it. He wants me to succeed. I have to take this one step at a time. I cannot look ahead at EVERYTHING that needs to be done but instead I must focus on the task directly in front of me. I am fixing my eyes on Him and trusting His hand to direct me. OT is an amazing profession built around loving and caring for people. One day I will be able to bless and serve people ANYwhere with these skills. I will stick it out and although I know there will be times where I'll want to quit, I will remember that it is only by Him that I am here in the first place. I am believing that His favor is upon me.

Apart from the negatives, I was overwhelmed by how GOOD God is this week. As He promised, He has already come before me. He was here way before I got here. He prepared a way for me and I was able to witness that this week. The whole week I felt like God was saying, "Katy, I told you so." He is good. SO good. I just love Him.

My new house and roomie is GREAT. Seriously, I love it. The house is precious and so nice. I've already fallen in love with Hayden. She and I will be best friends soon. I have atleast 10 friends within a mile radius of me, which is so fun. And it has been so good being in the same city as a few of my best friends from college. I'm excited to live life (in the same city) with these friends again. The question is, will I have time for a social life? I'm a little worried about that. All in all, Birmingham really is great. It will be hard but I know I'll love it.

the end.

2009-08-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

It's over. This journey is finished. We graduated/were sent out from the Mount of Olives today. What a blessing it was to have these 6 months devoted to diving in deeper with the Lord. For me, this was a time of major refining. It was time where my roots grew much deeper. Deeper than I ever thought possible. I cannot say it enough, but I am thankful for this season. I am changed. I am different. More than anything, I am completely in love with Jesus.

Joseph Watson, a speaker from lecture phase that every single one of us fell in love with (he spoke on dreams and destiny...changed my life, literally), surprised us on Monday. He has delivered all the messages over the past few days. Wow. So good. Such a good reminder of my destiny and the authority I have. I am transitioning into a new season of life. Right now, everything is tossed in the air as I have no idea what to expect. A new city. A new school. New roommates. New friends. I know that it will be so good. God has told me that He has gone before me. He has prepared a way for me. He is the same everywhere and NOTHING can separate us. BUT, that doesn't mean it won't be tough. I am guarding what He has given me. I will be led by Jesus, not by the world. I won't waste what He's done. I am going home a new person. I know I will be tested in the areas He has worked. The enemy will try to take that from me but I will stand against him knowing that God will meet me. I need to be on my knees, seeking His face. I am excited to reunite with people but I will not be reuniting as the same person. I have experienced and seen far more than I could have imagined. I want to continue serving. I hope there will be many opportunities to pour into other people. To tell people all that God has done and is doing. I yearn for conversations with the central focus being Jesus. Yes, it's a given that this will be hard BUT I will go home knowing that it's going to be good. I will fight for it. I will focus on the light, not the darkness. And I will remember that the power that rose Christ from the dead is the same power living in me. He's there. He's the same. Amen.

Tomorrow I head to the beaches of Tel Aviv for the day. I fly out at 11pm. Arrive in Atlanta Saturday morning. Oh. My. Gosh. I'll be hitting the ground running. Please pray for this transition. Goodbyes will be tough. This has been my family. And to jump right into this new phase is quite scary. Thanks to everyone who has followed me and prayed for me on this journey! I will continue blogging. AND...please please please call me or email me! I'd LOVE to talk about these past 6 months.

whirlwind.

2009-08-11T03:03:00.000-07:00

The past week has been jam packed. We've done all the touring of the "Holy Land" that we're going to do. I have experienced God so much here in Israel. This may be long but here are a few things I want to share...

As the 5 other teams have given presentations from their outreach, it has reminded me of my desire and heart to see more. Yes, I'm tired and want a small break, BUT there is so much I want to see. So much need. God is moving all around the world and my desire to take part in it is unescapable. It was inspiring to see pictures, here stories of the high points and the struggles, and just hear the ways our mighty God is moving. We gave all the glory back to Him and we're still overwhelmed by the fact that He chose to use and work through us.

We have seen many wonderful sites of this "chosen land." Masada may have been the most beautiful of all, as it sits on top of a massive cliff overlooking the Judean desert and Dead Sea. The history behind this site is amazing, read about it. Of course we floated in the Dead Sea and covered our bodies in the "amazing" mud. It also was beautiful and SO fun. Not sinking is such a weird/cool feeling. We spent an afternoon "relaxing" at Ein Gedi which is an oasis in the desert and is where David hid from Saul and wrote some of the Psalms. The waterfalls, streams, caves, and views are amazing. We also went to Qumran which is area of the cave the Dead Sea Scrolls were found in, which of course is a major discovery. The next day we spent the morning at Yad Vashem (the Holocasut museum). And that afternoon went to the Garden Tomb which is another possible site of the resurrection. I found this "garden" and tomb to be much more believable. We were able to worship and take communion as we reflected on what really could have been the place of Jesus' death. I was absolutley overwhelmed, and as I'm sure I'll say a few more times, there is something extremely special about worshiping in this land. That night we went on a tunnel tour which is an underground tunnel along the Western Wall. It is the closest the Jewish people can get to the "holiest of holies." Such cool history and archeology. The next day we hit up the Mount of Beatitudes (where Jesus delivered the Sermon on the Mount). Some of our team memorized the sermon and recited it, very cool. It was just crazy to think that so much of Jesus' ministry was done here and in the surrounding area. Our next stop was the church of multiplication of loaves and fishes. This is located right on the shore of the Sea of Galilee and is where Jesus appeared to His disciples after the resurrection and told Peter to throw his nets on the other side of the boat. This is a place of annointing and calling. In John 21, Jesus calls Peter into full time ministry (to shepherd the sheep). I LOVE this passage. Jesus asks Peter 3 times if he loves Him. He tell's Peter to "follow me." I was reminded of my call to follow Him wholeheartedly and was thinking, do I love Him, do I REALLY love Him, do I love Him enough to follow Him WHEREVER? There will be places I will not want to go but I love Him. I really love Him. "Yes" is my answer. Again, I was overwhelmed as I stood on the bank and in the water right where Jesus was. After that we made our way to Capernaum. Very cool ruins in a beautiful setting. We spent the remainder of the afternoon relaxing at the Sea of Galilee where I was baptized!

I was sprinkled as a child and for the past year or so have thought a lot about the significance of baptism. I know that because I wasn't "dunked" means I'm missing something BUT being baptized is supposed to be MY decision and public declaration of following Jesus. I love the symbolism of being washed clean and coming out of old life into new. This was a great opportunity (as it is the Sea of Galilee) to publically declare what I believe to my brothers and sisters who I've grown with and who have encouraged me over the past 6 months. It was symbolic of me entering in to this new phase of life, being completely open and surrendered. My deepest desire is to be in His will and be completely obedient. I have grown so much over the past 6 months. I am SO in love with Jesus. So, as I was dunked, I left my old self and I'm now living completely alive and confident in who I am in Christ. "My whole life is YOURS, I give it ALL, surrender to Your name and forever I will pray, have Your way, have You way."

The past couple of days we've been debriefing and talking about re-entering. We've been worshiping a lot and I have felt His Presence so strongly here. I've been so excited to get home but now it's hitting me. I'm sad. This is over. I don't want to go. It's going to be hard. I'm anxious about this transition and cannot believe in 3 days I will be leaving this new "family" of mine. I know I have an amazing family in America but it will be hard to relate to anyone. I am seeking His face and resting in His Presence. He is meeting me here and He is already waiting for me at home.

I have much much more going on in this whirlwind head of mine. But I'll stop now.

ISRAEL. overwhelmed.

2009-08-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting in my hotel room in the middle of the old city of Jerusalem. A 5-minute walk from the Wailing Wall and the famous Dome of the Rock. I still can't believe I'm here. I'm blown away. Overwhelmed would definitely be the word to describe my feelings over the past 5 days or so.

We have spent a couple FULL couple of days touring and another day doing team presentations. The first day we walked down to the Western Wall and the Dome of the Rock. Both of these I found myself thinking, am I really seeing this with my own eyes? Later we went to the Garden of Gethsemane and one of the possible sites of the crucifixion and tomb. The olives trees in the garden were unbelievable. They are literally the same ones that Jesus prayed under at one of His lowest points before He was arrested. I was able to spend some time reflecting on my future and the uncertainty before me. My prayer is that it is NOT my will but rather His will that is done. Just as Jesus went into the Garden not knowing what would happen but asking His Father that His will be done, that is how I feel as I enter into this new phase of life. And I pray that as I seek Him for direction and guidance that I will be strengthened just as Jesus was (Luke 22).

Ok...thoughts on the possible crucifixion site. I will say that being here is reminding to focus on Him only. Not the outward appearance. It is disappointing though. The church that is built on top of the place it happened is so ornate (candles, chandeliers, paintings, mosaics, etc). It's not who Jesus is or what He represents. It's a little sickening and very hard to focus on what actually happened. It reminded me of the many Buddhists temples I've been in over the past few months. It doesn't at all show the humility and simplicity of our Savior. It made me mad. BUT, in the midst of it all, as I was looking and listening for His voice, He spoke. I cannot focus on the darkness and obvious disappointing scene but rather I should fix my eyes on Him and what He went through. The possible tomb (which was in the same church) was just as disappointing. But, again He spoke and reminded me that He is NOT there. I was reminded of the good news that He has risen and He lives and dwells EVERYWHERE. We can celebrate because He is not in that tomb anymore.

In Israel, it's very easy to be put off by the millions of churches built over the famous sites. But, that is religion. Israel is filled with it. SO many people believe that our God is confined to religion. But, He is not confined. And because of this I am not confined to religion or a "box" that so many people are in. But, I have this amazing power and strength living inside of me. And you know what blows me away? The power that raised Jesus from the dead is the SAME power that lives inside of me. Holy crap.

Ok, wow. I could go on and on. But mainly I am OVERWHELMED. Here I am, in the center of the world, walking the same places Jesus walked. This is His land. His chosen country and people. This is where He walked and where one day He will come back. He is alive NOW and I am am so blessed to have the opportunity to seek His face among this land that is rich with history and prophesy of what is to come.

then and now.

2009-07-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it. We are finished. We have been on a little island off the coast of Thailand called Koh Samet "debriefing." Basically we are processing everything that we have seen, learned, and done. I cannot believe everything God has taught me... it's crazy. We've been filling out worksheets that have helped us process what God has done through us and although it's a little annoying, it's good. Since I will be jumping right into school and a new city as soon as I arrive home I'm really trying to think this all through now. I just wanted to share a litte of what I wrote on one of the exercises. I think this sums up everything I've learned and the ways I've changed over the past 6 months.

THE WORLD AS I ONCE KNEW IT...

I must see the world/be adventurous NOW because it will soon be time to "settle down," get a "real" job and be responsible. Spending time with Jesus felt more like work. The desire was missing. He wasn't my highest priority. I felt like I could get through the day just fine, on my own, without Him. Stringing Jesus along with me rather than me following Him. Never knew much about the power of the Holy Spirit. Never experienced true "darkness." Always surrounded by more "light"/Christians. Not exposed to world religions (i.e. Buddhist, Hinduism, Muslim). Found a lot of happiness in material items. Always comfortable. Felt like I deserved to be comfortable and have rights. Complacent attitude.

THE WORLD AS I NOW VIEW IT...

I am a chosen daughter of God and have the authority and power through Christ. I know I have a glorious inheritance waiting for me. Build up treasures in heaven. I am desperate for more of Him. I am in love and my deepest desire is to bring Him glory. I am not satisfied with mediocracy. I want to be a radical disciple. I am confident in who I am in Christ. Bold. Willing. Open and surrendered, always. I must deny myself DAILY, lay down my rights DAILY. I know the importance of listening to Him and I can hear His voice. I understand the importance/power of prayer and intercession. I am ordinary, just like Moses, but He wants to use me to accomplish great things. I have seen more of the world and experienced cultures and people. I've seen my huge family of brothers and sisters at work all over the world. Seeing the church alive in remote villages. I've been exposed to darkness. Discpleship. Waiting and trusting. Contentment. Inspired. Overwhelmed. My heart has been BROKEN for God's people. I see the urgency. I see that the harvest is ripe but the workers are few. I have felt God's jealousy for His people. I have seen how the enemy is at work. The world is at my fingertips. I am dreaming big. Solid and grounded. I am afraid of complacency and want to avoid it at all costs. I will not fall into the world's expectations. I know what it is to be filled with the Spirit and to walk in that. Communing. I know what it is to be completely dependent on my Father. I know that to be a disciple may mean suffering and always means persevering. I am weak, He is the only way I can do anything. His power is made perfect through my weakness. Fight. Discipline.

Wow, I could go on and on. I never want to lose this. Ever.

We head to Jerusalem tomorrow. Reuniting with the rest of the team. Pray for safe travels.

caleb and joshua.

2009-07-25T03:18:00.000-07:00

Today I rode elephants in Thailand. Maybe a little overrated, but totally worth all the pictures. I was also able to hang out with daddy tiger and baby tiger...war eagle. Good day. I've always wanted to ride elephants in Thailand. I mean you can't come all the way here and not...you know?

We basically have 2 days of ministry left! I can't believe it. We will head to Koh Samet for 4 days of debriefing and relaxing on the beach. And then it's off to Israel to meet back up with the other 45 staff and students. I'll be hanging out in the Holy Land for 2 weeks until I head back to America the Great. Crazy. Wow. What in the world?

One more thing, this week me and Emrie spent a lot of time in prayer over our return home. We are both a little nervous about re-entering. But, I have been given such peace and excitement about home. Mainly I have learned this week to be like Caleb and Joshua. Courageous. Confident. Knowing that my Father is the most powerful being in existence. I will not be "calmed down" or "mellowed out" by the many people pushing me towards excellence in the world's eyes. I will continue having faith that God can change the world through me. Courage like David, Daniel, Jonah, Noah, Caleb, and Joshua. They all lived fearlessly, knowing that God will come through. The reality is that as we grow older we become more cowardly. But instead of being told that this is cowardly we are told this is "responsible." We have all these dreams but people begin telling us to 'get a job, settle down,' or 'it's time to be responsible.' But where in scriptures is this so called responsible lifestyle mentioned? We are to encourage each other, spur one another on towards our dreams, and pray for more boldness. Basically, I never want my dreams of changing the world to be watered down. I don't ever want to lose sight of this mighty God I have who has an amazing plan for me, who created me to rely solely on Him, and to bring glory to His name. He has called me, and each one of us, to do great things and it is my desire to fulfill His plan.

Enjoy the pictures from today...

discipline

2009-07-22T04:53:00.001-07:00

The past few days have been good. We are now staying in a "guest house" (i.e. hostel) complete with A/C (something we haven't had at all on outreach), a toilet that flushes, and shower. We're all sleeping good and I can't begin to describe how nice it is to sleep with covers ALL night! We only have 5 more days of ministry which is absolutely crazy. The team is tired and excited about Israel BUT, God is not finished here. Our ministry has been lower key than most countries, but very good. Not a day goes by where I don't think about reunions with friends, wicklow, and america. But with that comes nervousness. I'm a scared about returning. I'm scared about complacency, routine, relating, and not remembering all that I have seen and He has done over the past 5 months. How do I begin to process it all when school starts immediately after I return?

The past couple days and the remainder of our time here I am really practicing discipline, as I know this will be hard at home. And although this is good its reminding me of routine and being in routine grosses me out (to be honest). Routines so easily begins feeling monotonous and boring. What I thrive off of is a real, intimate, and adventurous relationship with God. A relationship that is completely dependent on God for everything. I want to rely on God and it's hard when everything is at your fingertips and your main focus is school, not ministry. I know that discipline is such a good thing but I am asking God to teach me what it looks like to be disciplined, adventurous, and dependent at the same time.

I am also being reminded that God is consistent. He is the same in every nation. And He yearns (more than me) for this deep, intimate relationship to continue. I love the verse in Psalm 139 that says, "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?" He is always there. Always. Nothing can separate me from His loving presence. My security rests in Him alone and He is totally trustworthy. This is a glorious adventure in which He is always doing something new.

Pray for this last week. Pray for focus. Pray for dependency. Pray for Pattaya. And pray that God would continue revealing Himself.

Tamar Center/Southern Cross

2009-07-18T06:04:00.000-07:00

We are primarily working with the Tamar Center which is a place that gives prostitutes an opportunity to leave the bar scene. It gives Thai girls a positive opportunity to learn English and a trade skill to make money to support their families. They do things like card making, baking, they have a coffee/sandwhich shop and a hair salon next door, and they also do some sewing. It's also a really cool way to get to build relationships and through that share Jesus with them. They have a really good thing going… So we get to help teach the English classes and then in the evenings we head into the city, Walking Street, to go to bars and meet girls to invite them to come to the Tamar Center.

We are also working a little with a ministry called Southern Cross. This is a very cool organization that targets Chinese Tourists. Many tourists from China come to Thailand so this organization uses it as an opportunity to hand out Chinese bibles and a Jesus Film. Obviously this is really cool because bibles/Christianity are forbidden in China. 170,000 bibles were given out last year. We helped package these "give-a-ways" and then went down to the pier to hand them out. We've also come across many people and teams from the states (Virginia) working with this ministry. It's been nice to hear some "southern" sounding folks around.

It's still hard walking down the “red light district”...very surreal. Lined with bars, clubs, you name it, it is one of the saddest sights I have ever seen. I am not a very "spiritually sensitive" person (so to speak) but the closer I get (physically) to this district I can just feel darkness and grief fill my heart. Crazy. Still praying not to be overcome by evil, clinging to good (Romans 12:21).

Preparing and thinking a lot about home. SO excited, but so nervous. It's going to be a fight. For now I'm pressing into what I know will be hard. Got my class schedule today....ah. Saw Harry Potter last night, so so so good. Ok, good night.

heaviness.

2009-07-16T01:38:00.000-07:00

I am going to attempt to explain my feelings over the past day. Wow. Broken. Completely heart broken. Heaviness.

Last night we went to "Walking Street" which is one of the main strips in Pattaya. I was with one local girl (from the Tamar Center) and our goal was to invite girls to English classes, hang out, and talk with hoping to reveal Jesus to them. I don't know what to say. This was the hardest hour of my life. As soon as we got out of the taxi we were immediately bombarded with flyers (porn) and being invited to an array of sexual shows. Girls/prostitutes everywhere. Sleezy men everywhere. I knew this went on but I have never in my life experienced anything remotely close to what I saw. We made our way to one bar to sit and get a drink (coke of course). In this one bar there had to be over 100 prostitutes. Precious, beautiful girls. I began playing Connect4 (I know, wierd?) with one of the girls while my translater talked. I was trying to take in my surroundings. There were girls that couldn't be more than 15 years old all the way up to 50. Since it was early the bars were not busy at this time. The girls were doing their makeup, being completely normal until a guy would walk by. The whole bar would errupt with the girls calling men into the bar. Money, its all for money. For survival. They're not sluts. They believe it is the only way to provide for their family. I saw how beautiful each individual was. How this life isn't their desire. I saw innocent individuals whose eyes were filled with pain and hunger for something more. And don't even get me started on the men.

So, as I was sitting there I found myself struggling to hold back tears. I have NEVER in my life felt such heaviness and brokeness. My eyes were stinging, filled with tears for these girls and this lifestyle. Darkness. A feeling so overwhelming. A feeling I've never felt before. I couldn't shake it, and I still can't. We left and the tears starting pouring. They continued most of the night. I know this is just a taste of God's heart.

My struggle while being here is going to be focusing on the light. How do I see light here? All I saw yesterday was darkness. I'm trying to see God moving. What do I do with this feeling I have? I am reminded that I am the light. But, is my light big enough? I don't know. I don't know how God will use me here. But, I want to be used. I want to be the light in this city. I cannot dwell on the darkness. I am clinging to Jesus with everything in me. Pray for this city. Pray that I can see the light outweighing the dark.

pattaya

2009-07-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't know the song or story behind the song "God of this City" please watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClODquEcYs8

The song was written in Pattaya, where we are heading today. We will be working with the Tamar Center which is a prostitute ministry. I'll update again as soon as I can.

movin' on.

2009-07-12T20:24:00.000-07:00

We are leaving Cambodia. I will admit that I shed a few tears leaving Kampong Thom and our many friends we met. I will miss them. I realized again how much I hate goodbyes. I really hope I'll come back here again one day. Last night we stayed in Phnom Penh and I cannot tell you how nice it was to sleep in AC, take a REAL shower!!!!!!, and sleep on a mattress. Wow. Praying for energy and strength to make it through our last country. Excited for Thailand! I cannot believe I'm actually going there, I've always wanted to.

Lots of thoughts going on in this head of mine but no time to share. Hoping for more internet access in Thailand.

Here are a few pics from our last days in beautiful Cambodia.

birthday, rice, and dependency

2009-07-10T00:35:00.001-07:00

We are leaving Cambodia on Monday and heading to Thailand. It's sad to leave Kampong Thom because we have built many relationships and met many people that I love. But, who knows? Maybe I'll be back. The past several days have been good. We have continued on with our schedule of evangelism in villages and teaching. I started the week feeling very tired and weak and for the first time 2 Corinthians 12:8-10 (My power is made perfect in your weakness) has become a true reality for me. I now know the truth of this verse. In the midst of being physically tired, I have never felt spiritually stronger. I was given a fresh burst of "spiritual" strength and excitement to make it through one more week here. I have been clinging to Jesus, knowing that He is working through me. I freaking love Jesus. Seriously.

I've also been realizing how fast these 6 months are slipping through my fingers. I am not able to process all of the places, people, and things I've learned fast enough. Starting with 3 months of "lecture" phase in New Zealand... basically those 3 months were what most people learn in church over the course of 3 years. Crazy. It's just hard to process it all and I want to get everything I can out of this time. Still thinking a lot about what it's going to look like when I get home. I know I am going to have to FIGHT for what I've come to know and love. In these final weeks I am going to be fighting and pressing in to the things I know I will struggle with when I get home. I am praying that God will seal all of this. Emrie and I have grown to be such good friends (FFL). She was planning on continuing traveling but has decided to go home right after graduation. I am SO thankful for this precious friend. Although we will not be in the same state, she will only be a phone call away and I know our friendship will continue growing when we are home. I will have her to process this all with. Praise the Lord. I am also reminded of how amazing and unique my community at home is. I am so thankful and blessed to have the friends I have at home.

My birthday was so good. Thank you to everyone who sent emails or facebook messages. It is so good to hear from you even though we are on complete opposite sides of the world. My team and the Cambodians made me feel so special. Here are a few things that made this day special:

-23 balloons that fell during our meeting (each having reasons they loved me).

-My precious class singing Happy Birthday to me in their accents.

-Planting rice and sharing the gospel.

-Telling my favorite Bible story (Daniel and the Lion's Den)

-Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and junk food with Emrie.

-Asian cake, homemade french fries, and coke.

-Homemade cards and presents.

It was definitely a birthday I will always remember. Thanks to everyone who made it so special.

This morning I woke up completely exhausted but my very first thought was being dependent on God. I was overwhelmed that this literally was the first thought in my head. I must be completely dependent on Him, just as Jesus was completely dependent on His Father (John 5:19). God is here and I am depending on Him. He gives me words in my weakness. I feel His presence in me. I am so thankful for that.

disciples.

2009-07-05T21:06:00.000-07:00

I am going to attempt to update you on everything that has been going on here. It has been WONDERFUL. We are being used for His glory and it is very cool to feel purposeful in fulfilling His plan. I have never in my life felt more grounded in who I am in Christ. Here is a little of what my life looks like right now...

Everyday we wake up early for breakfast. We usually have a team meeting to pray for the day. Since I am in charge of food during our outreach, every few days I will go to the market with Rose. This is always an experience. WARNING: Never go to the market with a sensitive stomach. At the market you will find pig heads, feet, legs, cow intestines (and every part possible), chickens (dead and alive), hanging from ropes. Always covered with flies. The smells are unreal. We buy fruits, rice, beans, and this meat that I described from different vendors. FUN.

In the mornings we either head to different villages for a prayer walk or to visit church members. We are also always given a bit of time to prepare for our classes we teach every afternoon. In the afternoons we go into villages and straight up present the gospel to people. A couple of us will go with a translator to wherever Jesus leads us. This usually entails telling people who literally have never heard about Jesus the whole story of how and why He died on the cross for us. This sounds like it would be easy. But, it is difficult trying to simplify the gospel. There is SO MUCH to tell them about Jesus and His character and there is never enough time. This is real though. I love it. No sugar coating, this is it. This is what being a disciple is, stripped down to the basics, in the middle of villages, sharing good news to people. WOW.

After evangelism we break into our pairs and head to our schools to teach Bible and English. Mandie and I cram on the back of a motor bike for a 30 minute ride to Samaroang Village. I never thought I would enjoy teaching, but I love it. I actually enjoy having my own children, classroom, and chalkboard. We are loving our children and we work very good together. It is such a cool opportunity to educate while at the same time sharing Jesus with them. We come home just in time for dinner, usually some card games (NERTS!), and a time of worship and sharing with the team. So, that's a little of what our daily schedule looks like here. Life in Cambodia is good. Really good.

God is teaching me so much. The other day, I was preparing to give the Bible lesson to my class. As I was re-reading and breaking down the story of Moses and the burning bush, God definitely spoke to me through this story I've read and heard since I was a child. I always love being reminded of how God used such an ordinary man (Moses) to fulfill a huge purpose of setting His people free. In Exodus 4, Moses tells the Lord that he is not eloquent, and that his speech is not good. But God still says, "NOW GO; I WILL HELP YOU SPEAK AND WILL TEACH YOU WHAT TO SAY." But, Moses still doesn't go, and begs God to send someone else to do it. The Lord was angry with Moses but He doesn't leave Moses standing in the dark, He doesn't give up on Him. God sends Moses' brother and basically they tag team it. I love this because I always feel lacking in the communication department. I never feel like I have the right words. I want to learn to believe and trust that when I am given a task that seems impossible He will fill my mouth with words. But, it is also cool to know that when I have little faith and fail to trust, He will never leave me hanging. He is a good God. I love that.

Every individual we talk to asks us to pray for rain. This is supposed to be their rainy season but it is very dry. They NEED the rain for rice and crops. The need it to survive. What they don't realize is that God is here is Cambodia. His Spirit is moving. The other night we were worshiping on the porch (the clouds here are unbelievable and every night the skies are usually filled with electrical storms). His power was being revealed to us through nature. The cool breeze reminded me of the sweet presence of my Maker and I cannot describe how refreshing it was. We were asking God to rain down, physically and spiritually over this land. It began raining! He definitely made His presence known. I pray that the veils will be removed from their faces. I pray for a revival in Cambodia.

During worship, as I was looking onto the land of Cambodia, I was also reminded of how tiny I am and how HUGE the universe is. BUT that even though we are SO TINY and SO WEAK, He still wants to use us in HUGE ways. He wants US to fulfill His HUGE plan. We are His vessels. When we go to villages to evangelize there is such a sense of urgency. I want these people to hear the gospel before life is gone. They need God to make himself known to them and the way He does this may be through us. My faith is building daily because of constantly speaking out and telling people about the Jesus I have come to know and love.

I watched the movie Into The Wild the other day. I LOVED it. I could probably post 10 more blogs on the movie and my thoughts that came with it. But, I won't. If you haven't seen it, watch it.

We had a little 4th of July celebration. I bought fireworks in the market that resembled and sounded more like missiles. The police did show up which made it feel like a true American holiday. God Bless America. I love my country.

One more week in Kampong Thom, then w're heading to our 4th and final outreach destination....Thailand!

kampong thom.

2009-06-29T02:23:00.001-07:00

We are in the middle of no where Cambodia. Or so it feels like it. From the moment the big bus from Siem Reap dropped us off literally on the side of the road, our backpacks were tossed to us, and walked down a dirt road to a little church I knew we would be disconnected from everything. Kampong Thom is not westernized at all. Our house is filled with scorpions, huge spiders of I don't know what kind, crickets the size of texas, lizards, centipedes, roaches, you name it, it's in this house with us. Buckets showers for the next 2 1/2 weeks. We are sleeping 3 to a queen size bed and when I say bed I mean slab of wood. I'll confess...it's not easy. BUT, in the midst of it all God is teaching me more than I thought possible.

Pearlito, Rose, and their precious daughter are taking care of us. They are setting up our schedules, cooking our meals, and transporting us all over this village. God has called this family from the Philippines to plant churches and raise up leaders within the church. They moved here 5 years ago, planted this church in Kampong Thom, rose up disciples in the area, and left a month ago to begin this process all over again on the Thai/Cambodian border. They are amazing to say the least.

I could share so much about the past couple days but I'll try to be brief. My thoughts and feeling have been all over the books. The first night was pure excitement and readiness to be in an uncomfortable place like this. This to me is what mission trips are all about. Then, the next morning I woke up with a sore back, not much sleep, and feelings of inadequacy and having nothing to offer to this place or my team began attacking me. I was frantically asking God to give me something, anything. I was all over the Bible. I was reading the promises of how I am chosen, loved, that He is with me, He is my strength, etc. BUT, I couldn't grasp this. I wasn't getting the reality of this. I was trying to pull it all together, searching, begging God to show up. I felt weak, empty and that He would not speak to me when I needed to hear from Him. I was a basket case.

Then, more ministry was placed in our laps, ministry that we weren't prepared to do, and that's when I came to the end of my rope. I KNOW that He is strong when I am weak, but I couldn't grab hold of this truth. As we were on our way to teach a class at the church on leadership for 2 hours, having no idea what I was going to offer, plans changed and I was on a tuk tuk heading to a small village 45 minutes away. While driving on the dirt roads through the middle of no where God was speaking to my heart. I FINALLY realized that these thoughts are from the enemy. I KNOW that God has such huge plans for the next couple weeks and Satan does not like it. He doesn't want me to make an impact here. Why else would I be in the middle of no where? There is NO WAY I would be in this tiny village if it wasn't for God. NO WAY. He has placed me here to fulfill a part of His plan. He has handpicked me out of all people to be here. ME. I have something to offer these people that no one else can. I'm just really excited now. I know great things are about to happen. There is great anticipation for what is to come.

We will be going into villages everyday. In the morning we will be "evangelizing" as a team in individual villages and prayer walking. Every afternoon for the next 2 weeks Landon and I will be heading to Samaroang Village (about 45 minute ride on motor bikes) to teach English and Bible. I'm not a teacher so this will be stretching. But I'm very excited to see the same people consistently and build relationships. Our schedule is packed. I know it will be a hard couple weeks but I am reminded that the key is to remain willing and open. It is a blessing to come along side this church in Kampong Thom. It is a blessing to share the gospel with people. It is a blessing to see the way God is moving even when the enemy has strongholds. Pray for health (a few people have been getting sick). Pray for energy in this heat. Pray for courage and building of faith. Just pray. We need it.

Probably won't be blogging for the next week or 2...

hope, joy, and eternal life.

2009-06-25T20:49:00.001-07:00

We've been in Siem Reap for the past few days on vacation. It's been a really great break of watching movies, eating pizza, swimming, laying in the sun, and site seeing. Angkor Wat is located in Siem Reap which is the largest temple in the world. It was built in the 12th century and the architecture is absolutely amazing. Really cool to see it. Today we are heading to Kampong Thom for village ministry. Still not sure what that looks like, but I'm excited.

I've been processing a lot the past couple days. Basically, going into ministry for the last half of outreach I don't want to miss any opportunities. After seeing the slums and being surrounded constantly by poverty and beggars it's hard not to get a frustrated/helpless feeling of what can I do to change thier situation. It is NOT God's purpose to bring us all the way here just to expose us to the poverty and brokeness of the world. He has sent us here because we have a gift to offer that is greater than any physical thing. We can offer these people HOPE for this life and we can give them eternal life. I am reminded that life is temporary and the most important thing is that these people know Jesus as thier Savior. I want these people to live in full hope and joy. We have to offer that to them! That's our purpose in being here. What if I am the only person God sends to share this message with them?

So, I want to step out in complete faith. I am trusting that He will do this. I want to hear His voice. Opportunities are all around me. I want to take these. I'm not here just to be exposed to this life. I'm here for a purpose. I'm here to make an impact in Cambodia. In the Bible, God performed miracles through men just like us. We have the capabilities to perform miracles and that includes physical needs being met too (feeding the 5,000). We need to realize how capable we are.

Time is precious. This life is short and it's a big test of faith. What do we have to lose? I want to be kingdom-minded.

One more thing:
As I've mentioned earlier, I am learning to die daily. As I am laying down my life over and over I am praying that I would see JOY in dying daily. I am learning the truth of that reality.

cambodia!

2009-06-22T00:44:00.000-07:00

I love Cambodia. I love the beautiful people. I love the story this country tells. My heart and attitude is completely different than it was in Taiwan. I am fired up. I am completely renewed and excited. I am content here. I feel like I could stay here forever. I'm ready to run as fast and as hard as I can until the end. But I don't want this to end. The past week in Taiwan I was distracted/tired/selfish BUT here I feel alive, passionate, and excited. Both of my feet are here. I am here to claim this as His. I am more than excited for this fresh start and new opportunities. I am desperate to be used and to know more of God's character.

We have been staying in Phnom Penh. Our first day we had orientation at the YWAM base. There were 2 other mission teams (from America and Australia) there for orientation as well. It was really refreshing to see all these young people so passionate about spreading His fame throughout this country. We were thoroughly informed about Cambodia's history, religion, and life. I immediately fell in love with this place and one main reason is because of the history and what the people have been through. I don't know how much ya'll know about the history of this country but it's unbelievable. About 30 years ago, after centuries of changing political powers, a regime known as the Khmer Rouge held a mass genocide where over 2 million Cambodians were killed. This regime killed all the educated people, teachers, doctors, and religious people because they wanted Cambodia to be only a farming country, not "corrupted" by western thinking. So, we visited the memorial, killing fields, and the genocide museum. Wow. It was heartbreaking. It reminded me of the Holocaust. The killing fields is where the victims were tortured, killed, and buried. There were skulls, bones, and mass graves. I couldn't believe what I saw. After the fields we went to the prison where thousands of victims were imprisoned and exterminated. The 4 buildings contained individual cells, mass detention centers, lists of prisoners, mugshots, clothes and belongings, art, and photography. The photographs and paintings will be forever engrained in my head. Just the reality that I was standing in the exact same place that so many innocent people were tortured, interrogated, and killed was like no other feeling I've ever felt. As I looked at each individual in the photographs I could see the deep state of fear that was written in their eyes. I can't believe how little I knew about it. I will never forget the things I saw.

This gave me such a good understanding of Cambodia and the people here. I can't believe how recent this was. Today, 80% of the population is under the age of 30. This shows how much of the older generation was completely wiped out. The past few years have been major growing years for this country. More than anything this has inspired me to stand up against injustice.

The past couple days we were able to help out a ministry in the slums called children at risk. This was an amazing opportunity. The spring of this year these people were forced out of the slums in the Phnom Penh (using tear gas) by the government because the city didn't want to look at them anymore. So, now they live about 30 minutes outside of the city in minimal shelters, if any. The children are beautiful and so precious. As the children put on a presentation to honor the fathers I was able to just sit in the audience with children hanging all over me. I loved every minute of it. These kids were clinging to me. There is something cool about communicating only through eyes and touch. It can say so much sometimes. After the program we helped serve 350 people dinner. It was chaotic to say the least, but very fun. The next day we joined in with the ministry to worship and intercede for this community. After intercession we split into small groups to make "visitations." We were able to pray for and encourage several people. I still can't believe the way these people live. Some literally are living under a tarp held up by 4 sticks and have been for 3 years! It's always eye opening to see poverty like this. My heart breaks for these people and people all over the world in the same situation. It's just not God's will for His people to live like this.

It's been really cool to work along side "western" missionaries that have moved here long term. To see there lifestyle and the willingness to live in such a foreign country has been encouraging and makes it seem do-able. I've been getting really excited about my Occupational Therapy degree and being able to use it in countries like this. I am actually thinking that at some point in my life I would love to commit 1 to 3 years to being a missionary in another country. We'll see what happens...

For now I'm absolutely loving Cambodia. God is teaching me so much. My devotion times are SO good. I couldn't be happier. We head to Siem Reap in the morning for our 4 day break. It will be nice to get some sleep and hopefully some sun.

goodbye taiwan.

2009-06-19T00:30:00.001-07:00

So, our time in Taiwan is finished. I am in the Bangkok airport on my way to Cambodia. We will have a few days of ministry there and then a 4 day break. I am ready and excited for this little "holiday" where we will be staying at a hotel in a town called Siem Reap. I'm hoping to relax in the pool most of the day. Jeremy (one of the school leaders) met us today in the airport and will be spending about a week with us. It is SO good to see him. Definitely think he's going to bring a lot of life and fun to the team.

Yesterday we went on a prayer walk around the city of Danshui. We started at the university there and prayed for the students who are the future leaders of Taiwan. We also walked through streets known for there brothels and gangs. As we were praying I was just claiming everything as His. Very cool to know that I do have the authority to do that. Next we went into a huge Taoist temple. This was crazy. My initial reaction was how glad I am to know the truth and freedom that Jesus offers and that I don't have to work for any of it. I know that what I believe is the only way. We prayed around the temple and it was just a really cool feeling to know who I am. We all felt that just our presence in that place made the enemy flee. I guess I experienced a little taste of my authority in Him. BUT, then I felt this heaviness. I was broken for the people in the temple bowing, burning incense and money, and offering food to the gods. I know that all of this breaks God's heart. He is so jealous for these people. He has created them and He longs for them to acknowledge Him. Very cool but heartbreaking experience.

The day before we went to a nursing home. Don't even worry that they asked us to massage the patients. Wow, this was funny. Oh Asia...

Oh, Taiwan. I'll miss Ling and Myi who were are precious translators. I'm going to miss the amazing slushes and milk teas. I will not miss walking up the huge hill from the train station and then another 6 flights of stairs to our apartment. I'm thankful for people like Rebecca who have a heart for the specific country of Taiwan and have moved there long term. I will not miss the smell of stinky tofu in the streets. I was very thankful for the AC in our room. BUT... I am glad to be moving on to the next country. I'm very excited about Cambodia and then Thailand. I can't believe we have finished 2 countries. Prayers are still greatly needed as we need increased focus and more energy.

hungry

2009-06-16T22:43:00.001-07:00

So, as I sit here I'm kind of at a loss of words. I don't really know why. I can't put my finger on anything. It's like I'm in a "funk" or something. Like I said previously, Taiwan has been good, extremely busy, but good. Doing 100 programs a day isn't my idea of fun ministry but, even though I can't see the fruit now, I know God has worked through us. I am overwhelmed at the amount of people we have been able to share the gospel with. God has taught me that I must continually lay down my life and rights. It doesn't matter that my "heart" isn't really interested in going into schools constantly or that I'm tired. It doesn't matter that I miss friends, the comfort of America, and that I want freedom to do what I want when I want. What matters is that people hear the gospel and that God's glory is revealed above everything. The thing is, I know that when I am thinking about myself something is off in my relationship with Him. So, why am I so selfish? I've been getting overwhelmed when I think that I still have 2 months left. BUT, then again I know when I get home I'm going to want to be right back here again. I'm going to miss traveling and having such a purpose. So, why is it so hard to be content? Why am I constantly thinking ahead?

I think it's because I just want to see God move in MIGHTY ways. I want to experience my authority in Him. I want to use the gifts He has given me to reach people. I want to build relationships and love on people who need it. Yes, we've done this in certain ways, but it's just not the ways I expected. I don't want the hunger and passion to see the world completely changed to ever fade away. And again, I know it is being changed, it's just hard to see sometimes.

One thing I am reminded of during this weird mood I've been in the past few days is that I have said that I am willing to obey. With obedience comes suffering. There is a cost to living for Him. Two months ago I was more than willing to suffer for His sake. That was when everything was easy. Now that it's hard and I am getting worn out, will I persevere? I don't have it all together (and to be honest, I probably never will), but I will continue fighting for this. Although I feel like I am disappointing Him with my attitude, I'm not. He wants all of me but nothing I do makes Him love me less. That's the beautiful picture of who my God is. That's why I do this. That's why I love Him. That's why I will fight.

I have to completely depend on God. I'm not there yet. I want to be. I want to be changed. I want to grow. I want to be content right where I am. I am clinging to the fact that when I give my life away I am not losing it, I'm gaining an inheritance greater than my mind can comprehend. As I am struggling with all these thoughts I am reminded of the verse in Philippians that says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." I have to be confident in that fact that He is working in me and will continue working in me. His work in me is only beginning. It will not end until I am praising Jesus in heaven. Amen.

This morning as we were worshiping I was really blown away by the truth in the words of the following song:

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy.

I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.

And so I wait for You. So I wait for you.

I am falling on my knees offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary but I know your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You. So I wait for You.

I am falling on my knees offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

I am clinging to these words today...

this life is HIS...

2009-06-11T00:29:00.001-07:00

The past few days have been jam packed. We start our days early and end late. BUT, the opportunities to present the gospel have been many. The other day we went to a school and did an hour long program seven different times. Today we went to another school and did it 5 times. Each time we go into the class rooms we are able to "straight up" present the gospel to them. Very cool. Although it's very tiring, I feel like we are making an impact in Taiwan and I love it. I really feel like I am pouring out right now, if that makes any sense. And as I continue pouring out it is so important to continue to be renewed and filled back up. That's probably the biggest struggle right now just because we are SO busy.

I am LOVING the team, like seriously. We are all getting along so great and having SO much fun together. We laugh all the time. Even when we are in the craziest/weirdest situation, we are laughing. As we do dramas more and more, we are learning how to add our personalities in them and change them up a little each time. I love it. Lets just say there are many times when I'm standing in front of a congregation with tears streaming and body shaking because I'm trying with everything in me not to BURST into laughter (I ALWAYS fail). There is so much joy amongst us which makes for good times. At the end of everyday we can't stop laughing about all the little things that happened over the course of the day.

Probably what I'm learning the most right now is completely dying to myself. Last night I was exhausted and my attitude was just not good. I was at the end of my rope. But then I was reminded that this life isn't mine. It's God's. I'm created for Him. God is reminding me daily to lay my life down. When I don't feel like doing one more drama, or meeting with the team, or sharing my testimony I am reminded that it's not about me. When I fall asleep at night and when I wake up in the morning I tell God that I am His and everything in me is His. It's NOT easy. In fact is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I'm tired....but when I am weak then He is strong.

Ok, so I'm just going to leave you with a little list of crazy things that have happened over the past few days:

-being forced to sing 'Oh Happy Day" on street corners.

-eating an ice cream the size of texas.

-abrev's

-drinks that are filled with "pearls" (aka fish eyes/eggs)

-being on Taiwanese church TV.

-teaching the electric slide to asian youth.

-"everything" drama....

-Taipei 101...aka....tallest building in the world (Me and Emrie's videos are PRICELESS....I'll try and post them....)

-Train rides...

-Going to a church that is literally a cracked out version of Jesus meets The Wiggles. No joke.

-Just being in freaking TAIWAN, who does this???

Asia never ceases to amaze me....

oh happy day...

2009-06-07T00:46:00.000-07:00

As you know, I am in Taiwan now. I am going to admit that I was least excited about this outreach location. I don't know why. I guess I just never thought I would come here. But, I freaking LOVE this place. I had no expectations. Although we have only been here a few days I am in love. I've never been anywhere like this. I wouldn't say it's nice...kind of dirty and 70s looking...if that makes any sense at all. But there is something really appealing about all the little streets, scooters, vendors, and the asian people. It's crazy to see Mandarin symbols everywhere! No words at all. A little frustrating trying to order anything or even using the internet. Pictures are what I am relying on. Most of the food has been amazing. The only complaint are the weird smells as you walk down the streets. The most potent/worst smell in the world is a food known as "stinky tofu." Sick. We are living on the 6th floor of an apartment-like building (SO fun carrying our HUGE backpacks up 6 flights of stairs...ha). We walk EVERYWHERE here which is great! I need the exercise, especially after all the greasy food.

The city we are in is called Danshui. It's about 30 minutes outside of Taipei with about .3% Christians (yes thats a POINT three percent). Other popular religions here are Chinese Taoism, Buddhism, and ancestry worship. YWAM has a lot of ministries here. The Rock is one YWAM ministry we will be working with every night. It's a coffee shop in the center of the city. It is open every night and offers free drinks. Locals come in to hang out, build relationships, and to learn and practice english. It's been open 13 years, while the other buildings around it are constantly going through new owners/shops. That is a testimony to the city in and of itself. When your foundation is built upon "the rock," it is strong in the Lord. A YWAMer from Wisconsin runs the shop and has lived here for 8 years. It's really cool to see her completely devoted to sharing the gospel with the Taiwanese people.

Saturday was AMAZING. I felt like we accomplished so much. It was a day completely filled with ministry. I felt so used, so filled with the Spirit, and completely in His will. We partnered with a local church. In the morning we broke into groups with a few congregation members and went out to share the gospel. It is SO needed here. We talked to many people. I felt really submerged in Taiwanese culture. They are so hospitable, and all about respect and honor. After lunch we went to an after school program that a group randomly came across that morning. The head of program is a Christian but the program is not. She told us that she had been trying to figure out a way to present the gospel to these children. It was EXACTLY God's plan and timing. We were able to do dramas, songs, games, and present the gospel. They were SO receptive and I really felt like they understood our message. Many hands were raised as the question 'does anyone want to ask Jesus into their heart?' was asked. Very cool. PTL (praise the Lord). We also did our first open air today complete with dramas, testimonies, songs, etc. The Holy Spirit was there and working. Again, I was reminded that this was EXACTLY where God wanted us. He was moving. I know He is moving when the hairs on my arms are constantly standing up (ha, weird?).

I'm really loving the new Hillsong United CD. Lyrics are so good.

Declaring "God of this City" over this place all day.

THERE IS NO ONE LIKE OUR GOD...

FOR GREATER THINGS HAVE YET TO COME

AND GREATER THINGS ARE STILL TO BE DONE IN THIS CITY.

Asia is FUNNY. Am I really here?

peace out bali.

2009-06-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am in the Singapore airport with our first outreach location behind me. Crazy. Bali was an adventure. From hospitals to schools, to churches and street kids, to beautiful beaches and parasailing, to tokays and unbearable heat. I can't believe 16 days have come and gone. When we first arrived it felt like we would be there forever. Ministry time in Bali was amazing for the most part but I felt like we never really found a "groove." Let's just say Bali is on "island time." A lot of things wouldn't work out or would be cancelled at the last minute. But we got used to this.

One thing I'll really miss about Bali is our 2 Indonesian friends, Agunk and Ravon. I LOVE them. I wish they would come live in America and be my friend. They work with one of the churches we partnered with during our time. On our days off they always joined us and showed us all the "best" locations in Bali. They brought SO much life and laughter to us. It was sad saying bye to them this morning, knowing I'll probably never see them again. But, really cool to have friends half way across the world. Isn't it wonderful how big our family is when we are Christians? I love it.

When I try and think where I really am in the world, it blows my mind. Only God could have brought me here. I am in ASIA...what?!?! What is this life that I am living right now? Our flight from Bali arrived in Singapore this morning and we leave tomorrow morning. We spent the day touring the city of Singapore. Really weird to be thrown into such a huge, clean, wealthy city after time in Bali. Transitions are weird. Really weird. As Emrie and I have explored this city together we are both realizing how much we miss home, our families, our friends, and just our stupid material possessions. We are so excited for what God has for us but we are realizing that traveling is not easy. I LOVE Emrie and I am SO thankful for her on this journey. Outreach has definitely been different than what I expected. I know Taiwan will look very different from Bali. I am excited to see what God has for us there. I am excited to move on and spread His love to more of the world. I am praying for a renewing of minds and spirits.

This is what I am clinging to:

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

NEW PICS POSTED!

hinduism

2009-05-31T01:58:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we only have a couple more days in Bali. Tomorrow we have the day off....I'm excited. I can't complain though. We have spent the past few days at the beach. The mornings were spent doing beach evangelism (i.e. talking to local vendors and tourists). Both days I ended up talking to Balinese Hindu women that were selling things to the tourists (and when I mean selling, I mean attacking =)) I asked them many questions about their beliefs while at the same time trying to be bold and share my beliefs. It's hard though. There is nothing in these women that think they need to change their religion. What's even harder is that even though they believe/worship many gods, they still claim it is only one god, just like Christianity. I asked why they are constantly giving offerings to their gods and she said for good luck. She went on to compare Hindu offerings to a Christian going to church and singing songs to God. I told her the reason we worship and praise is out of sincere love and adoration. We love the way He has worked in our lives. She responded by saying they love their god too. It is SO HARD because although we know Christianity is SO different from Hinduism, they think it is very similar. Defending your faith is not easy. I just want them to understand and it's hard not to get frustrated. The one thing that is so different between the 2 religions is that Christianity is all about LOVE and FREEDOM. I had to rush out of this conversation because it was time to meet the team. As I left I looked at her and said this one thing, 'you do NOT have to work for your God. Jesus came and died for you to set you free from rules and giving sacrifices.' I don't know if she understood because her english was very broken but my prayer is that something stirred in her. Hopefully something in that conversation brought her a step closer to knowing Jesus. I want these women to know that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for them already. I want them to know that God is a God of love who desires what is best for us. My prayer is that they would come to know this, whether it be through dreams, people, creation, or whatever! I believe He is working but Indonesia needs prayer.

miracle?

2009-05-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Update:
A few of us went back to the hospital today. We went to visit/pray for the little boy I talked about previously who had 2 brain tumors and could not walk, see, and speak. The grandfather told us that he walked last night!!! He walked all around the hospital! He is still very weak and must regain strength in his legs but PRAISE THE LORD! I think we just witnessed a small miracle...hallelujah. God is good.

i lean, i lean, i lean

2009-05-27T01:38:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in the past few days. Monday was our day off so two of our new Indonesian friends (Agung and Rafon) took us to two different beaches, one on the east coast and one on the west coast. The first was a little cove called Blue Lagoon. We relaxed in the sun and snorkeled. It was amazing. The second beach was very different, it was one of the hottest surf spots in Bali. It was at base of big cliffs, and absolutely beautiful. So we had a really relaxing day and for a few moments it felt like I was on a real vacation. Haha, it was a nice break.

So yesterday we were back into ministry. I woke up with a bad attitude, so hot and tired, but in my time with God I was reminded that in my weakeness He is strong. His power is made PERFECT in my weakness. Hallelujah. We helped clean the YWAM base here in Bali because the first DTS in three years starts next week. The base was formerly owned by a Muslim and Hindu family. Frieda (our YWAM contact) told us that they often feel spiritually attacked while in this building. The base needs a lot of prayer. After cleaning me, Emrie, Rachelle, and Andrew went to work with a Street Kids Ministry. This was my favorite childrens ministry we have done. It was in an extremely poor area of Bali, the poorest I have seen here and worked in a small, dark, square room with about 30 kids from that area. We sang songs for them, played games, and just talked with them. These are the kids who have never received the love they deserve, kids who cling to you and never want you to let go because they have never had anyone show them love like this. My heart just aches for these children. I was reminded of my time spent in the Kibera slums of Kenya. It is a good but HARD reminder of poverty and brokenness all over the world. Too often I think I deserve to be comfortable...I do not have rights! What do they do to deserve to live like this?

Today a few of us went into the hospital. We were able to meet and pray over 3 seperate patients and their families. First was a little 8 year old boy with two brain tumors, he could not talk, see or speak. When we were praying over him I really felt like we were FIGHTING for him. All 4 of us were on our knees with hands layed on him. We wanted so badly for him to be healed. I know that sickness is NOT from the Lord. I know that as a daughter of the King I have authority. As we've been going through the book of Acts I've seen how normal it was for Peter and John to preform miracles. I wish we could have seen this child walk, but I guess it wasn't God's plan yet. I don't really understand this but I do trust Him. Although he wasn't immediately healed it was an amazing experience. The Spirit was in us, we were fighting for this boy, and it was evident. I will never forget this.

I have really felt like I have been needed and used the past 2 days here. Loving the poor and praying for the sick is what this is all about. It's what makes me excited. It's what points me to Jesus.

We only have one more week in Bali and then I will be headed to Taiwan, crazy.

tokayyyy (bali)

2009-05-24T01:13:00.000-07:00

Tokay=my biggest fear in Bali. Causes lots of laughter/jokes amongst our team. Lives somewhere in our room. Holy Crap. Check it out: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tokay_gecko

The past few days we have gone into several schools, youth programs, and churches. Performing dramas, giving testimonies, and preaching are now in full swing. I gave a testimony at a youth program the other night...I think it went well. Our time here has been good and busy but I can't help but feel like there is more. When I walk out of the gates of our base and walk the short distance to the internet cafe, I am reminded that I may be the only opportunity these people get to hear the gospel. My heart longs for people to know this great God of mine. To know the freedom we have in Him. To know how loved they are. To know who created them. I am desperate to be used by Him and walk completely in His Spirit. It has been hard though. No matter how much sleep I get I am so tired. The heat literally drains every once of energy out of me. But, I do not want to miss any opportunities. We are here for such a short time so I must press into Him harder. I cannot have one foot in the present and one foot in the future. They must both be here, running to Him with everything in me. It is so hard not to think about what my life will look like come August. Or how great it will be to be reunited with friends and my amazing community. I am praying that my mind will be completely clear and completely focused on Bali. I am on a journey. I am learning what it looks like to love, look, and live like Jesus. I am constantly thinking/asking Him what I should do. Constantly trying to hear His voice.

The team has been really good. Lots of laughing. Not much frustration (which will come when you are constantly with 8 people for 3 months). This is community. We are all so different but are in Bali for one purpose. We desire to see His glory and His fame spread throughout the world.

The food is amazing. I look forward to every meal, which is very different compared to Africa.

Africa has been on my mind a lot lately. I love being here. Like seriously love it. BUT, I miss Uganda. I miss the African culture, the children, the praise, and the simple hope and joy on that continent.

The team is going through the book of Acts together. Great book. Read it. Chapter 4=amazing. Courage. Boldness. Awesomeness. ("For we CANNOT help speaking about what we have seen and heard" 4:20).

Tomorrow we have the day off. We're heading to the beach. Cannot tell you how excited I am about this. Kites are everywhere here. Can't wait to fly one tomorrow.

Just put up a link for pictures.

Ok, that's all for now.

I'm sweating...

bali

2009-05-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

Well here I am, in Bali, sitting in an internet cafe. It's HOT. That's an understatement. But, I feel very blessed to be here and see this beautiful country. We are living at a YWAM base and working a lot with children. We are partnering with a local church, Compassion International, and the YWAM base. It's very cool to actually see and work with the children so many of us sponsor. These children are being raised up to be the future leaders and break the cycle of poverty. As I was sitting in a classroom yesterday afternoon looking at the beautiful Balinese children I was overwhelmed with joy and love for these future leaders. I was proud of them and the way they soaked in all the information the teacher was giving them. It's almost like I was able to see them through the eyes of my Father. Cool.

There are several streets kids that come by the base in the afternoons and we are able to hang out, play games, and teach them english. Last night a few of us went to a language class and were able to have conversation with young adults learning english. I loved this. I loved getting to talk and learn about each other's worlds, the differences and similarities in the cultures. Today we went up into the mountains with around 250 youth from the church for a picnic. It was about a 2 hour drive and the traffic here is insane. That's an understatement. There are 20 times more scooters than cars and no rules what so ever. Scary. But, once we got there we set up in this beautiful park. It's very tropical here...beautiful multi-colored flowers, coconut trees, and very green grass. It was an enjoyable afternoon of worship (in their language), relay races, and capture the flag.

Bali is 95% Hindu. As I walk down the street I am constantly stepping over offerings filled with incence to the many gods of Hinduism. It breaks my heart. The architecture, statues, and temples everywhere reveal Bali to be a very dark, heavy, and spiritual place. One thing the Lord is reminding me is that He is alive here even if it is hard to see by just walking through the streets. There is a community of Christians and although it is small, it is strong. I am thankful for them. This is His nation and we are here to claim it for Him. He made these beautiful people, He knows them, He loves them. Maybe they don't acknowledge Him...but He's here. It's really easy to be overwhelmed by how many people do not know God but rather are constantly working for many gods, constantly trying to please something that doesn't exist. It's sad. But, I am reminded that when just one person comes to know Him all of heaven rejoices. We are trying to be His hands and feet. I can't do it without Him. I am powerless without the Holy Spirit.

Those are a few thoughts for now. Peace out from Indonesia.

goodbye NZ, HELLO world.

2009-05-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I am officially leaving New Zealand. Crazy. It's been wonderful. Although it's sad to leave, I am ready. Next time I blog I will most likely be in Bali, Indonesia. Wow. Cool to think that we are all leaving from the "ends of the earth," heading to 21 different nations around the globe, and literally meeting back in the center of the world, Israel. Here is a brief overview of life for the next 3 months. Prayer's are always needed.

May 18th-June3rd BALI

June 3rd- June 19th TAIWAN

June 19th-July 13th CAMBODIA

July 13th-August 2nd THAILAND

August 2nd- August 14th ISRAEL

August 15th ATLANTA, GA

"...the Lord has annointed me to preach good news to the poor...to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

Isaiah 61

More updates to come...