big day.

[I think I'm going to start blogging again.]

My head is reeling. I spent the day in Citi Soleil (largest slum in Haiti/western hemisphere). I'm ashamed to admit that it is easy for me to become numb to these conditions of extreme poverty. I have been able to see several places around the world that are absolutely shocking compared to our American lives. I've come to Haiti many times and seen this over and over again. But...

Not today.

And I praise God for that. I never want to become numb and/or complacent to dire need and horrific circumstances. God's heart is for these people. I'm not going to forget that. And I will pray that He continues to AWAKEN me over and over again to the harsh reality of life for billions of people around this world.

But, how do I respond to this? What can I do? I know I know...pray, it all begins with just one life, love them, give freely... I have heard it all, even told others, but I'm still asking/screaming inside, WHAT CAN I DO?!? I found myself over and over again praying for the runny nosed, bloated bellies, rattled breathing babies and children I held and encountered all day long. But that was even difficult! What do you even say to God? What do you ask Him for? I don't know. I really don't. Oh, I am happy as a clam sitting in the dirt and playing patty cake with them. Holding babies. Learning creole. Taking tours of houses made of tin [or tarps]. But, why does that make me happy? This life is brutal for thousands in Haiti. It's a fight to survive. Of course I'm happy, I have a home in one of the best countries in the world. My life will never consist of living in an 8 x 8 room with 5 others, holes in the roof (if there even is a roof) and dirt floors. I'll never wake up not knowing what to feed my children [or myself], squat in the middle of the road to use the "bathroom", or walk distances just to have a little water.

I am at a loss. And maybe it's ok to be in this place because it forces me to my knees, pleading for God to use me to change this world. Begging for Him to invade my little life of nothing and make it into something great. For His glory. His people. To fight injustice. To radically love.

I have officially graduated, taken my boards, and as of TODAY passed my boards. So now the daunting question comes...what now? And the answer....I do not know. But today gave me a bit of perspective. Maybe it's what I needed, maybe not. Nonetheless, a day I hope not to soon forget.

moving right along.

Today was HUGE for me. After 2 years of...

Thinking I could never do it.
Fighting His plan.
DOUBTING His plan.
Feeling completely inadequate.
Tears.
Stress.

I MADE IT!!! I am finished with the 'classroom'. No more assignments, tests, presentations, powerpoints, etc. EVER. It's over. The remainder of my time in graduate school will be spent doing 'hands on' learning, aka fieldwork rotations. For those who have followed me through this process, you know it's been a struggle to stick with it. But, THE DAY IS HERE. Wow. That's all I can say.

As I look behind me and in front of me, I am blown away by what His hand has done and what His hand is doing. I've been reflecting on these last 2 years a lot and through this, I am reminded of how trustworthy, faithful, sovereign, and just plain ole good God is. To see the way His hand has worked... it's just not really believable. I could have never guessed what He had in store. To think of the multiple friendships formed, the heart He has given me for Haiti, and the opportunities He has placed in my lap... wow. I am SO excited for what's to come.

It hasn't been an easy 2 years, but He has challenged me and shaped me in multiple ways. And as I stand on the brink of something big, concluding yet another season of my life, I wonder how I could've questioned Him. This life is His. And even after all the mistakes I've made and the opportunities I've missed, He has made it [and is making it] into something beautiful. But, how foolish am I?! Of course He is! My purpose here is His glory and everything about His glory is beautiful.

He deserves all of my praise.

no boxes.

i've been reminded of a few things this week...

God is big. SO big. and i don't know why but i can so easily put Him in a box. but, He doesn't do boxes. and this week he gave me a little tap on the shoulder and told me He's got some pretty awesome plans. i feel like i'm on the brink of some pretty baller dreams coming to life. He's up to something, and has been for awhile. i still know nothing. but what i do know is that He doesn't fit in boxes. and i know that i can trust Him. because what He has for me is bigger and better than anything i could think up.

haiti...occupational therapy...argentina...

these are the things i'm dreaming of. these are the things i'm trusting Him with. the future is looking very bright right now. funny that he chose to remind me of this in the midst of what may be my busiest/stressful/craziest week of my grad school career. His timing is perfect. He knows. and for now, i'm going to keep on walking through my routine/mundane schedule. and He's going to keep making it an adventure. He's going to keep guiding me right into the path of His glory and His fame. i'm ok with that...

we serve a mighty God. we serve a God who furiously loves us, when we don't deserve it. gosh, I love Him. He is good.

have Your way.

the past week has been about surrender. or re-surrender. whatever you want to call it.

i have felt the need to continue telling Him that i am His. i am open. i am willing. and i want to be obedient.

that i lay my life at His feet. that he can have His way with me. it's truly what i want. and i really can honestly say that i trust He is better than ANYTHING.

usually, i feel like moments like this (of complete surrender) surface when a big step is coming up, a big decision, a future change, etc. but, there is nothing extravagant coming up for me [that i know of]. i am just reminded that yet again, even in the mundane/routine life i'm living right now, He still wants ALL OF ME. He still wants to use me. He still wants His glory made known through me.

we only find our freedom
here on our knees
we are yours
we are yours

it's true. our joy and our freedom only come when we are His. fully His. and to be His, we must lay ourselves down.

and i will continue failing at this. but i will also continue giving myself to Him. this process is never easy. it never comes naturally.

BUT...
Here i am. [all of me]

thoughts & things.

just some thoughts and things...

i'm trying to get a grasp on His love for me. on His furious longing for me. and not just knowledge of it. 'i am my beloved's, and His desire is for me.' (song of solomon 7:10)

i'm trying to live in the freedom of this love. no guilt.

this paragraph in a book i just finished has given me a different perspective of prayer/His love...
is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy's lap? an assured knowing that the daddy doesn't care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with little friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?
(from brennan mannings, "the furious longing of God")

He's faithful. remember how scared i was about not having ruthie here? i am ok. because He has provided. and He has yet again proven the way He goes before me. i see His faithfulness all around me. because it's just who He is.

the desire to hold orphans never goes away. sometimes i tend to cover it up because when that desire is strong, life in bham is hard. but i always want to be among the poor, the orphans, the unloved...that feeling can never be suppressed.

i am finished with class in may. then, i will complete 2 fieldwork rotations. my first fieldwork is this summer. without getting into too many details, my summer placement is finalized...and i'm in shock. He's had this all planned. He desires for the gifts and passions He's placed in me to be used. basically it's my dream, and it just landed in my lap. GOD?!? if you're interested click here to see more.

2010.

A year in review…

O please do stay
 where you remain 
do not fall
 do not fall
, something greater 
is on the way 
just hang on 
try to hang on, 
try to hang on.

I doubt so much.

I will rise when You call my name.

HAITI is on my heart.

What would it mean to just go? No questions. Just go.

I KNOW I am going to Haiti.

I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory.

Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed.

He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do.

THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED.

'God has this thing rigged!

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

A week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny.

Fighting injustice in a radical way PLUS horses. yes, please.

Haiti round one: Expectant. Ready. Willing. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY…From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope…letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten…they are BEAUTIFUL people…tents EVERYWHERE…This country has literally been destroyed…It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen…I am sitting on the rooftop, under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life…I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.

Does He want me to be content in Birmingham?

A classroom just doesn't feel right to me.

Reminding myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want.

I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL.

I am clinging to Him, it’s all I can do.

Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country?

I want to be forced to cling to God.

I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.

I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.

All I want to do is Isaiah 61.

It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom

Help My children…the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them.

I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted

Fine line between contentment and complacency.

I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where worldly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...None of it compares to Jesus.

I long for heaven.

I am scared of complacency.

His voice is getting harder to hear.

Katy, you're going to need to chill out.

I must seek BUT He WILL find.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...

While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends, now I dream of holding orphans. Is there something wrong with me?!

…a feeling like I don't belong here.

I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I am doubting myself which is me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway.

Katy, it's never you.

Everyday I battle with how to live here.

I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't think I'll ever know.

What does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?

Without a doubt, my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known.

The "feelings" aren't there.

I thought I was failing at loving Him.

Know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11

intentional, endurance, and drudgery.

Chase Him regardless of time constraints and busyness.

I have been taken back to the basics.

I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE.

If He asks, will I obey?

My place is always on the knees.

This life's not mine so I better not get too comfortable.

Today, the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning.

"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable."

Less of me. More of Him. Way more.

"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.

Today, although I was forced to be consumed with schoolwork, the world was in the forefront of my head.
My heart literally hurts.

I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.

"Be holy, because I am holy"

Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment.

As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here.

It's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient

Ephesians 3:16-19

More love. More power. More of You in my life.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME.

He allows me to be part of something GREAT.

HE IS BETTER. ALWAYS.

Haiti round 2: THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...God is doing something BIG…I have this feeling that God's up to something…The future makes me excited…He's got something brewing…Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me…He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself.

I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED.

I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees!

Haiti round 3: what rehab/OT looks like in a country such as Haiti…I'm a little ball of doubt…I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need…if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation…the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else…Humanity longs for something beautiful.

I've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come.

My future scares the hell out of me.

Ruthie.

When my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand.

I have been disappointed in myself. I have felt a lot of shame.

When there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it.

This is a fight. A waging war.

I am FREE from the law of sin and death.

ruthie.

ruthie. a best friend. a roommate. the reason why birmingham has been good.
and...
she is leaving me. a new season awaits her in louisville, kentucky. i am proud of her. she's trusting that His plan is better.
but...
i am sad. so sad. there have been many tears as these last few days of living in the city of birmingham together have come. it's hard to imagine life here without her. i'm not sure i've ever been in this situation. i've never been the one 'left', i've only been the one leaving to begin the new season.
i don't know what the remainder of my time in birmingham will look like. i know it will be different. very different. it might be lonely. it might be rocky. it might be hard. but...it might not be. what i do know is..that as i've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come, He has reminded me to TRUST.
and i am.
He is faithful. in the good seasons and in the bad seasons. when my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand. it is then that i must depend on Him. oh, i yearn for my life to be free of difficulties BUT it is in the difficult times that my need for Him and awareness of Him is highlighted. and if that's the case, i am able to consider my problems as pure joy. In darkness and sadness, the RADIANCE of His face shines more clearly.
i will miss her. but i am trusting.