an outsider.

Lately...

I feel like an outsider. Like I don't belong. Like no one thinks the same as me. No one understands me. I feel different. Wierd. Not normal. Unordinary.

I have an overwhelming hunger and thirst for righteousness. Justice. A burden that I can't shake. A burden for the lost, the broken, and the poor. And I think more than ever I feel like I am the only one who thinks this way. It's a consistent grabbing of my heart. I can't shake it. I want others to know. Don't they see it? The injustice, how the world is so unfair? How there is so much need? There are days where the individual faces of Cambodian students, Phillipino contacts, prostitutes in Thailand, friends in Indonesia, Ugandan orphans, or Kenyan street kids flash through my head. I cannot and will not forget these precious people. They remind me constantly of the great need all around the world. And I just feel so alone in carrying this burden. I desire for people to grasp it. To see the need and to take the gospel seriously. To make it become a reality.

More than ever I am grasping the fact that my citizenship is not on earth. It is in heaven. I truly feel like I don't belong here. I am a child of God and this place is temporary. I just wish He'd hurry up because this feeling of not-belonging is hard.

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ." (Phillipians 4:20).

"But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the RIGHTEOUSNESS for which we hope." (Galations 5:5)

rest, church, and prayer

I cannot seem to get enough of Him. It's a good place to be. I just returned from NC for my first break since I hit American soil in August. It was a short break as this tuesday is my first final exam. But, as I said, I am SO thirsty for Him. This whole break all I wanted to do (besides eat turkey and see family) was sit and enjoy Him, reminisce on what He has taught me these few months, and learn more on how I can better reflect Him. I love Him. I am passionate about Him. And I am so thankful that I know Him. As I enter into these final 2 weeks of the semester, my prayer is that I will not put this hunger and thirst aside for books and tests. It will be hard to put Him first, to not get anxious or stressed about the 300 finals ahead of me, but He is my priority.

One thing I have been so grateful for recently is the church I have been attending in Birmingham. Wow. I am overwhelmed with the obedience of this church and the pastor. He is literally wrecking lives. The word that is preached is SO pure, not your typical watered down version of the gospel. It is RADICAL. Truth is preached and people cannot deny His calling on thier lives. The Holy Spirit is there and I am grateful to be a part of it. I will say that when I first started going to this church at the beginning of the semester I was very wary of the fact that it's what we call a "mega-church." But, it is without a doubt where I am supposed to be, where I am getting fed and challenged, and where I desire to be a part of His body. I wish everyone could come...

Another thing I am overwhelmed with is the fact that He wants to use me. He has chosen me. He has a huge purpose for me. In Homewood, AL, I can change the world. PRAYER. Intercession. He can accomplish His will through ME praying. What?! So, why wouldn't I pray? The more I pray for people and the world and seek His heart for the nations, the more He is humbling me. How do I get to be a part of of His HUGE plan for the nations? Really? Through devoting a small amount of time to chase after His heart for people, He is teaching me and blessing me and USING me more than I ever thought possible. I am HUMBLED to be an "heir" of the most high King.

life, weddings, and holy anguish.

A few thoughts...

The other day, I was asked the question...

Where would you be if you weren't in Birmingham getting your masters?

And although I have been struggling with wanting to be anywhere in the world but here, I didn't have an answer. Crazy that after continually trying to convince myself that I am supposed to be somewhere else I've never really thought about where EXACTLY I would be. Which is the Lord confirming yet again that I am EXACTLY where He has me.

After 3 months I'm finally feeling a little more settled. Over the course of these 3 months I have felt as if I've been home FOREVER and then at other times I feel like it has FLOWN by. It is a little hard to believe that if i make it through these next few weeks, I will have completed my first semester of OT school. And only by His grace and strength have I. It's also hard to believe that He has increased my love for people and the world even more. Was that possible? I guess so. My heart aches for the world.

One of my best friends just got married. She was the first out of a group of 6 best friends. This time last year Jamie and Nick had not even met. Now, they are in Mexico on the their honeymoon. They met over Christmas on a cruise and I guess you could say it was 'love at first sight.' Three months later they were engaged. Jamie's life is as close to fairy tale that I've seen and it is so fun to watch the Lord continually bless her for her faithfulness and love for Him. She is SO happy and was literally the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. I'm so happy for both of them. And as always weddings get me thinking....one day it will be my turn...

Holy anguish...

I've been thinking about these 2 words for a week or so...

Here we are, KNOWING Jesus. I mean like really knowing Him, have a relationship with Him, growing in Him, loving Him, and trusting Him. We know that we have a treasure that not everyone has. And we know that people that do not know Him will (not to be harsh) go to hell as we go on to eternal life in heaven.

Hell...

I think I've never really given this place too much thought. And what I'm realizing is that I don't want to. I've heard that it is a place of fire and evil. It's where the "bad people" go. Where the murderers and thieves go. The rapists and abusers go. In scripture it talks about it as a place of torture, pain, and suffering for eternity.

Although I believe that hell exists and people do go there, it's very hard for me to believe that God actually allows that. But, He is a God to be feared. I think we don't want to think about this place because maybe we have lost loved ones or know people that weren't necessarily 'Christians.' There are so many 'good' people that don't believe in Jesus and they will go on to be tortured for eternity?! Really?! Yes. He is the WAY. The only way.

SO...

Knowing this. Knowing that Hell is real. Knowing that none of us want to go there. Knowing that by not believing or having a relationship with our Creator, we will go.

Knowing these things, the question is....

ARE WE LIVING THAT WAY?

Are we living in holy anguish? Are we telling people about Him? Or are we being selfish with this gift of salvation that can be offered to EVERYONE?

I don't know about ya'll but I cannot live my life and be ok with the fact that so many people will go on to be tortured for ETERNITY as I dance on the streets of gold. That just doesn't seem fair. There is an urgency. I don't know about you but I don't want anyone to suffer for eternity. I'm trying to live this out. This urgency. This holy anguish....

send me!

All I can think about is the world. I want to go. Now.

Some recent questions...

God,

Is this where You really want me?

Am I wasting my time?

My money?

Will I really use OT?

Are you sure God?

Are you sure?

I don't know what the answer is. I do know that I have never in my life felt such a longing to GO. Missionary? I don't know. I've avoided that word being my profession for a while. But I cannot get away from the fact that I love missions. I love the world. I love people. I love cultures. And most of all, I love God. I cannot stop 'yelling' the words I WANT TO GO! as I talk to Him.

Somedays I think I'm so ordinary, so normal, like I haven't changed. I love walking my dog through the neighborhood, I love being consumed with horses and riding, I love my feathery/girly bed. But then I see how unordinary I am. How I have changed. How my eyes fill with tears at the sight of a homeless person. How my heart beats faster when I see/hear stories of the way He has changed lives. How I long to soak in His presence. The nations are constantly on my mind. I am burdened for the world. I desire to be doing work for His kingdom.

And again these words convict me....Be content where you are.

This is a constant theme. Why can I not learn this?

Birmingham is where I am. An OT student is what I am doing. Is this where I'm supposed to be? I don't know. I think I don't want it to be where I'm supposed to be (does that make sense?). I'm going to keep seeking Him, keep stepping forward, hoping that He will speak and guide me clearly. Right now, as my heart cries out 'I WANT TO GO,' I must learn contentment. This phase of graduate school is going to be a long one if I cannot grasp this concept.

"The Nations whisper my name with a familiarity and I will return to them in time."

This is what I miss. Where I long to return one day...

confusion.

It's been awhile, but it's not because of lack of God working in my life. He continue's to guide me, teach me, love me, and reassure me.

As my time on the "mission field" gets further and further away, I have been getting more and more worried of losing what He taught me or forgetting what I saw. I realize that I cannot cling to the past but I also don't want to get "stuck" thinking that a mediocore/comfortable life is what God wants from me. Gross. I realized how many of my persepctives had changed over 6 months after I returned. I'll give you one example...

Confession: My whole life I've wanted what probably most Americans want. A cute/nice little house filled with luxuries and comforts that I love. The dog in the back yard, swing in the front yard, and kids running around the safe neighborhood (and lets be honest, a little barn with Wicklow in it). When I moved back to Birmingham and began taking weekly walks/runs around the neighborhood I realized that as much as I still love looking at all the "precious" houses, nothing in me desired that lifestyle. BUT, as the weeks go on and I become more and more removed from the missionary lifestyle, I'm realzing that with each walk around my cute little neighborhood that desire for a comfortable lifestyle is re-surfacing. Is it bad? I'm not sure. I do know that it scares me. Please don't get me wrong, I know that God uses everyone of us right where we are, and He calls many people to live this "dream" life of mine. I've just really been struggling with this since I've been back. What does it look like to live as Jesus did when I'm living in a nice house, own a car, and on top of that am bogged down with school books and assignments. He gave everything. He was homeless. He wasn't concerned with fashion, cars, or houses. SO how do I justify being concerned with that? Is it justifiable? I'm confused.

What I know is that I want my life to look like Jesus'. I want to be radical. I want SO badly to be used in mighty ways. I don't want the way of life I was immersed in for 6 months to just become a mere memory. I don't want to lose my passion or focus.

One more thing...

I am realizing how excited I am for what's ahead of me. I am so willing and open to be used anywhere in the world. I know that OT will give me so many opportunities. But because of my heart for the world I'm having a hard time feeling trapped here. Not a day does by where I don't think about the possibilities of missions. I guess I'm just ruined for the ordinary (ha...AW80 anyone?). BUT, although I am so excited for future opportunities I'm also realizing the importance of letting God use me here. He has placed so many cool things in my lap and given me so many visions. The prayer/intercession group is finally starting. Our first meeting was last week. I cannot begin to express how great it was to come together and seek God's heart for topics in the world and the city. As I said, there are many great oppportunities to be used here. I'm excited. I'm thankful. But more than anything I'm remembering that seeking His face above it all is the most important thing I can do.

zach.

I finally got to hang out with the homeless a few days ago. I LOVED it. I was able to hear stories and see a beautiful picture of the gospel come to life. Let me share...

Zach is a 30 year old from Chicago. He's been living on the streets of Birmingham for about 8 years now. We sat and talked for a couple hours. To start, he couldn't get over the fact that Ruthie and I were just there to hang out. Not with a church, charity, or any organization. We just wanted to be friends and hear stories. That blew his mind. During our conversation the topic of faith came up. Zach is not a Christian. His mom is Buddhist and as he said, he just doesn't give a beep about that stuff. Zach is smart though. He's a thinker. And believe me, he made me think too. It basically came down to "faith isn't reality." The reality for people like Zach is that life is a fight. A fight for food, a place to sleep, and to stay alive. His point was that no matter what higher power you believe in, the world still goes on, so what's so real about this faith?

Sure it's [relatively] easy for people like me to have faith. I have a car, a comfortable bed to sleep in every night, a roof over my head, a family that loves and supports me. But it's just not really fair that because of my circumstances I am able to believe in a God who has blessed me and taken care of me. And how do you portray to someone with poor circumstances that faith IS real? I KNOW that Jesus is alive and at work among us but how do you convey that to a homeless man whose life looks nothing like mine?

Zach brought up many questions, not doubts, just questions.

In another part of the conversation Zach said he just needs $27 to start making his way back to Chicago. I know, I know, you're not supposed to give money to homeless people but a guy who had joined us early on in the conversation offered to give him the remaining money. Zach was adament that he could not take the money without paying him back someway. But the message conveyed to Zach was that the conversation and questions that were brought up today were Zach's way of paying him back. What a cool picture of who Christ is. We don't have to pay Him anything because it's all paid for and He loves us that much. Zach couldn't get over that. Sometimes I can't really get over that either. What a beautiful picture of the gospel.

I don't know if Zach took anything away from this time but I sure did. I pray that he saw a REAL picture of who Jesus is and that God would continue stirring in his heart.

into the wild?!?

March 2012...

I've been dreamin' about what will happen at this time in my life. Get ready...

I'm going on a road trip, 'into the wild' style.

At this point in my life I will be have graduated from OT school in Decemeber, hopefully I'll go to Zambia with UAB for a couple months and then its time to hit the road.

I want to see the U.S. and maybe Canada while I'm at it. My good friend Rachel and I have been brainstorming this idea all weekend and I am serious that this is NOT just an idea but WILL happen. We all know I love the world and plan on seeing much much more (maybe all?!?!) of it over the course of my life. But there are SO many awesome places in my own country that I want to see. So here's the plan. Rent an RV/van. Round up a group. Make a complete loop of the country. No time frame. No agenda. Just loving people. Hearing stories. Taking pictures. Serving. Laughing, dancing, singing. Community. Living simply. Faith. Dependency. Experiencing His creation and His people. Guided completely by the Holy Spirit.

I know, maybe you think I'm crazy. But, it's a dream and one thing I've learned recently is to dream big because we serve a BIG and GREAT God. Of course this mighty God of mine could call me somewhere else but for now I'd like to think this will be in His plan for me. So, anyone want to join?