round two. haiti.

Oh wow. Where to begin...
Haiti.
Oh Haiti.
After 5 months of waiting/dying/needing to go back, it has come and it has gone. And what do I have to say about it? Well, here we go...

THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...
Isaiah 60:5

These words describe the way I felt the second I stepped into Haiti for the 2nd time. I literally felt like joy and happiness were exploding out of me. I felt full of LIFE. Passion. Purpose. JOY. Just like last time I was there, I was reminded that this is how God intended us to live. Loving, serving, seeking, and living in community. When you are in His will, the result is pure joy. And thats what all week was about.

God is doing something BIG. I don't really know how to put any of this into words (story of my life) but let's see...
Some of you may know of a dream I have, if not I'd love to talk about it. But basically my passions in life are 3rd worlds, orphans, and injustice. One day I'd love to see a community in a country (such as Haiti) that is complete with an orphanage, school, hospital, church, teachers, doctors, nurses, PT's, OT's, speech pathologists, dentists, etc. It's a big dream. It has been in my mind/on my heart for about 4 months now and I pray about this pretty consistently. Well, needless to say, there are no plans for any of this, but I have this feeling that God's up to something. I can tell. He's putting people in my path with the same dreams. He's changing my heart. It's like I zoom out on this life of mine, and there is so much ahead of me that I can't see but I see all these random pathways, all starting to meet and make connections. It doesn't really make sense and there is so much uncertainty, but there's not at the same time. I have no plans yet but I know He's got it. He gave me small glimpses of His provision and His hand at work this week. The future makes me excited. He's got something brewing.

He's changing my heart. It's crazy. I always say I want to live in a third world country, but when it comes down to it, i know it would be HARD. My biggest fear is that I would get sucked into living a nice comfortable/complacent life here. And thats because I know that would be easy for me. I mean lets be honest, I've grown up in nice conditions. Comfy beds, nice houses, vacations, good food, shopping, etc. I really used to find joy in those things, or I thought I did. And lately, when I go on a vacation that in the past would have been SO great, SO satisfying, and SO fun, the passion and joy is not there. A feeling of emptiness. It's so confusing. Yet, when I step foot in a dirty, bumpy, hot, mosquito infested, crumbled country, I am the happiest I could ever be. Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me. Now, does that make ANY sense to you? It doesn't to me. But I guess the gospel doesn't really make sense either. What I'm realizing is that He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself. I feel blah in America. Get me back to Haiti already.

I love Haiti. I love the Haitian people. I love the staff at HOM that we've built such great relationships with. I see myself living there. Our team was stellar. This week was filled with constant laughter, lots of sweat, bug spray/bug bites, sore butts, sing a longs, reuniting with new friends, working hard, mortar, stones, orphans, beautiful people, tropical beach, lightening storms, sunsets, card games, little to no sleep, air mattresses, rice and beans, rooftops, visions, dreams, hidden haitians, ice pops, bottled coke, prestige, dirt, mud, sewage, new relationships, bonding, bill fudge, and best of all...Jesus.

A few pics from the week, to see all.... click here.

back to the basics.

Grad school has me constantly feeling behind. Because of that, I haven't gotten to share as much as I would like to. But, regardless of the fast-pace and busyness of life, God is doing some cool things. As mentioned in the previous post, I'm trying to figure out what it is to seek Him and find Him in the drudgery and mundane routines of everyday life. It's amazing what happens when you chase Him regardless of time contraints and busyness.
He speaks.
He leads.
He comforts.
And He never stops loving.

This is what He has been doing in me...

I have been taken back to the basics over the past week or so. He has reminded me of my purpose as I have had a tendency to become wrapped up in school, finals, and what people think of me. He has reminded me that as I am finding more and more enjoyment in OT school, and more and more comfort in the city of Birmingham that I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE. I am thankful that He has finally given me more of a love for what I am learning in school. I am thankful that He has finally allowed me to feel like I can live in the city of Birmingham without a constant feeling of guilt. But, whose to say that He won't ask me to give it all up tomorrow? Whose to say that just because I'm this far along in school, His plan could have me in a new place next month? And if He asks, will I obey? So, I have been reminded that my place is always on the knees. Always with open arms. Always with listening ears. And always ready to obey. This life's not mine, and so I better not get to comfortable.

We live among people who glorify business, wealth, careers, professionalism, etc. And even those of us who KNOW Him tend to march to the tempo of the world. I am reminded that He has called me to follow Him wholeheartedly on a different path. Time alone with Him should always be my highest priority and my deepest joy. It doesn't matter what assignment I have looming ahead, what final is around the corner, or what people think of me.
HE IS BETTER.
ALWAYS.

I don't want treasures on earth. I want treasures in heaven. I only want my head wrapped up in Him. Because, He is all that matters anyway. This world will perish. My life will perish. And will I have lived this temporary blip for His glory only? Or will I have wasted it on the petty, meaningless things that so easily pull my attention away from the CREATOR of the world, the RULER of history, the KING of all nations, and the JUDGE of all peoples? Oh, I hope not.

new season/drudgery

It's been awhile fellow readers (although I'm not really sure anyone reads this...ha). After a lot of recent processing, I have a lot I want to share.

These past couple of months have been a transition into a new season for me. I'm still having a hard time putting words to everything, but this will be an attempt...

I know without a doubt that my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known. I know that I want to be a part of that. I know that I love Him. A lot.
Apart from all of that...
The "feelings" aren't there. I know, I know, feelings don't matter. But do you agree that it makes things harder without them? Here's the thing, I know His promises and I know I long for the day when He returns, but as of now, I don't have that happy-go-lucky feeling on a daily basis. And up until 2 weeks ago I thought I was missing something. I thought I was failing at loving Him. I thought i was losing my zeal and passion for Him. Now mind you, my biggest fear is losing my desire for Him and falling into a complacent/comfortable life. I'm ALWAYS scared of that becoming a reality. And I felt like it was.

I know, it's confusing... I mean how can there be no "feelings" yet, Him/His fame/His glory still be my number one priority?! But, that's where I am right now. It's a new season. Over the past year or so I have fallen deeply in love with Him in a new and beautiful way. Now that I am "in love," it is time to know Him in new depths. I want to know different aspects of Him that I've never experienced. I feel like my walk with God has been largely defined by the BIG experiences, the mountain top experiences, giving me just enough "ummph" to make it to the next experience. I've never really gotten to know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

This is where He has me. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know if I ever will, but I'm not giving up. I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11
He has given me everything I need... He has shown me His power, He has changed my heart, He has literally given me everything I need for this next season of life. And because of this I must MAKE EVERY EFFORT to ADD TO MY FAITH. To form godly habits. In DRUDGERY, when there are no flashes of light and no thrill to life, but rather a daily routine with common, everyday tasks, I must learn to still live for my Savior. I cannot always expect God to speak loudly or give me adventures. My obedience to Him in the smallest details speaks so loudly. If i will learn to do this, His glory that I so badly desire will be made known. And as v.10 says, if I do these things, I will never fall and will receive a RICH welcome into the kingdom. Wow, it's all worth it, just for that.

I know that this season will not be easy. The words intentional, endurance, and drudgery come to mind, but I am expecting great things to come...

a noble theme.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...
(Psalm 45:1)

I love this. I am constantly reminded of why I am here. When I feel like I am becoming numb or complacent, I read a verse, I hear a story of God's provision, I see glimpses of what He's doing in the nations...and I am reminded of His glory. I ask for my heart to be like His. I ask Him to give me the ability to love the way He does. I ask for more desire and dependency for Him. And it is when I ask Him for these things that I experience Him. He shows up. Always. I must seek BUT He WILL find.

I was able to take a wonderful trip to North Carolina this weekend with a couple friends. It has been a great weekend filled with gourmet food, beautiful scenery, late night movies, and sunshine. But, there is something strange about my feelings. I love being in this setting but there is something inside me that knows this isn't what my life is about, and I am ok with that. While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends like this, now I dream of holding orphans and giving life to people who need it. Is there something wrong with me?! Ha!

I feel like God is slowly changing my heart to be more like His. He is growing my desire for the world more and more on a daily basis. It's kind of a scary feeling. It's a feeling like I don't belong here. And I know I don't. I know heaven awaits me one day. But it's also a feeling like I don't belong in this western world. A feeling that I know one day soon He will place me somewhere else. Who knows? It's just a feeling. And I'm ok with it.

What I love is that...
My heart is being stirred by a NOBLE theme.

trusting.

It all comes down to me not trusting. I am scared of starting another semester. I am absolutely dreading it. There are classes this summer semester that I feel like I may never really need. And the thought of having to write more papers, do more research, and give more presentations literally makes me want to cry. I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I just had a conversation with my mom about grad school. There were tears. To most people, being in grad school equals knowing without a doubt what you want to do. Nope. Not for me. I have no idea when/if I'll use OT. I can't see my future. What I do know is that if I wasn't supposed to be here, He would have opened another door, leading me somewhere else. Several of my friends are in that inconsistent stage of life. They can't see where it is God is taking them but they are learning to wait on Him and trust Him in radical ways. Although I am in school, which seems consistent and points me in a specific direction, I feel like in a way I am in the same stage. Tonight I am reminded yet again to TRUST. Why am I doubting that I can't get through another semester? I am doubting myself which is really me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway. I have to TRUST. When I am struggling with school, feeling small and incapable, I have to be confident that He is the one doing this. HIM, not me. Katy, it's never you. It's always Him. I am entering this semester hesitant yet clinging and depending, and trying so hard to trust Him completely. He will do this and my prayer is that I will find joy in it all.

guilt.

The past couple weeks have been my "summer." From Auburn to Kentucky, and Nashville to Rosemary Beach, I've realized what it feels like to be free again. Free from obligations, studying, etc. But sadly, the break ends tomorrow.

I cannot express how great these 2 weeks were BUT I've decided I have a problem. I don't know how to live here anymore. Whether it be America, or just western countries in general, it's hard. These 2 weeks were spent for my relaxation and enjoyment. And I think that's where the problem lies. ME. These 2 weeks were about me.

I can't seem to do anything these days without a sense of guilt. You see, my life is not MINE anymore. I don't want it to be. I want this life to be spent blessing others. I want nations and people to know Him and His glory. I am here to proclaim His name. I praise God that I have had the experiences I've had, and have been given the opportunity to sit under amazing leaders pointing me to a RADICAL faith. But because of this, I don't know how to live here. Seriously. I can't buy anything without my head automatically reminding me of the great needs around the world. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I buy a shirt, I feel terrible. I treat myself to a meal, I feel selfish. I lay on the beach for a few days, I feel self-consumed. Literally, everything I do that is not "kingdom-work," I experience some feeling associated with guilt.

I know that God is not a fan of guilt. But, what do I do? I can't ignore these feelings. Everyday I battle with the way to live here. I live in a western culture, so does that mean its ok to buy a cute dress? I have a 2 week break, is it ok to lay on the beach, soaking in His beautiful creation? All of these are MY desires. What about His? Does He want me to relax and enjoy life? There are millions of people that don't know Him. There are starving orphans, struggling widows, etc. I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't know if I'll ever know. A question I continually ask myself is, 'Katy, what does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?' It's a constant struggle of mine.

I REALLY want to bring Him glory and fame above everything else. But, in this western world I live in, I feel like I am constantly failing and constantly letting Him down.

136th kentucky derby.

A dream of mine came true this weekend. Anyone who follows me on twitter is probably sick of me talking about the Kentucky Derby, but I can't help it. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed about going to Churchill Downs, wearing my hat and my sundress, and watching those red roses drapped over the winner's shoulders. I read books and books, always so intrigued by the world of horse racing, always wanting to be the exercise rider, or the owner, and knowing I could never be the jockey. When the 1st Saturday in May roles around, you better believe I am glued to that tv for HOURS. Listening to the stories of the favorites, the underdogs, the unlikely owners, and the hard work it takes to make it there. There's no feeling quite like watching them load in the starting gate, seeing those horses turn down the back stretch, and yelling as the winner crosses the finish line with that fist in the air. Lifelong dreams of the owners, trainers, jockeys, grooms, exercise riders and everyone connected to the horse finally come true. The names of the trainers and jockeys bring a sense of familiarity as year after year I watch them enter new horses to run in the Derby. I love every bit of it. I hate when its over, making me wait yet another year.

And to actually BE THERE this year...

A dream fulfilled. To smell the cigars, drink mint juleps, wear the hat and the dress, bet on horses, see those twin spires, and basically touch the track that so many lengendary horses have run on was just as great as I thought it would be. It's "the most exciting two minutes in sports." But, it was so much more than that. From the culture/atmosphere to the rich tradition, it's one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Yes, maybe I am a little "horse-crazy," but I know that anyone could appreciate the beauty of the Kentucky Derby. I needed to go. I needed to know what this quote by Steinbeck meant..."The Kentucky Derby, whatever it is--a race, an emotion, a turbulence, an explosion--is one of the most beautiful and violent and satisfying things I have ever experienced."

I understand that now. I love Kentucky. I love Bardstown Road. This year I may have been an in-fielder, but next time I'll be in those grand stands. As you see, I could go on and on but I will end with a paragraph I read tonight that so accurately explains my feelings of this weekend.

I walked away today with empty pockets, but it didn't matter. Seeing Calvin Borel stand in his stirrups after the wire, crop held high in salute to the moment, all I could feel was euphoria for the horse, the jockey, the trainer and owner, the women at Kroger who stitched the rose blanket, the mass of humanity who stood and sang "My Old Kentucky Home," the balloon handlers in the Pegasus Parade, the waitress at Wagner's who called me "honey," and the child who stroked the nose of the statue of Big Brown. I have never felt so much a part of a spectator sport. For this I have to thank the entire city of Louisville. I have never seen so much community effort surrounding an event. I have never felt this much warmth and comradeship with strangers. Perhaps it rests in childhood fantasy, but how often does something live up to your world of make-believe?
-Sheri Seggerman