confusion.

It's been awhile, but it's not because of lack of God working in my life. He continue's to guide me, teach me, love me, and reassure me.

As my time on the "mission field" gets further and further away, I have been getting more and more worried of losing what He taught me or forgetting what I saw. I realize that I cannot cling to the past but I also don't want to get "stuck" thinking that a mediocore/comfortable life is what God wants from me. Gross. I realized how many of my persepctives had changed over 6 months after I returned. I'll give you one example...

Confession: My whole life I've wanted what probably most Americans want. A cute/nice little house filled with luxuries and comforts that I love. The dog in the back yard, swing in the front yard, and kids running around the safe neighborhood (and lets be honest, a little barn with Wicklow in it). When I moved back to Birmingham and began taking weekly walks/runs around the neighborhood I realized that as much as I still love looking at all the "precious" houses, nothing in me desired that lifestyle. BUT, as the weeks go on and I become more and more removed from the missionary lifestyle, I'm realzing that with each walk around my cute little neighborhood that desire for a comfortable lifestyle is re-surfacing. Is it bad? I'm not sure. I do know that it scares me. Please don't get me wrong, I know that God uses everyone of us right where we are, and He calls many people to live this "dream" life of mine. I've just really been struggling with this since I've been back. What does it look like to live as Jesus did when I'm living in a nice house, own a car, and on top of that am bogged down with school books and assignments. He gave everything. He was homeless. He wasn't concerned with fashion, cars, or houses. SO how do I justify being concerned with that? Is it justifiable? I'm confused.

What I know is that I want my life to look like Jesus'. I want to be radical. I want SO badly to be used in mighty ways. I don't want the way of life I was immersed in for 6 months to just become a mere memory. I don't want to lose my passion or focus.

One more thing...

I am realizing how excited I am for what's ahead of me. I am so willing and open to be used anywhere in the world. I know that OT will give me so many opportunities. But because of my heart for the world I'm having a hard time feeling trapped here. Not a day does by where I don't think about the possibilities of missions. I guess I'm just ruined for the ordinary (ha...AW80 anyone?). BUT, although I am so excited for future opportunities I'm also realizing the importance of letting God use me here. He has placed so many cool things in my lap and given me so many visions. The prayer/intercession group is finally starting. Our first meeting was last week. I cannot begin to express how great it was to come together and seek God's heart for topics in the world and the city. As I said, there are many great oppportunities to be used here. I'm excited. I'm thankful. But more than anything I'm remembering that seeking His face above it all is the most important thing I can do.

zach.

I finally got to hang out with the homeless a few days ago. I LOVED it. I was able to hear stories and see a beautiful picture of the gospel come to life. Let me share...

Zach is a 30 year old from Chicago. He's been living on the streets of Birmingham for about 8 years now. We sat and talked for a couple hours. To start, he couldn't get over the fact that Ruthie and I were just there to hang out. Not with a church, charity, or any organization. We just wanted to be friends and hear stories. That blew his mind. During our conversation the topic of faith came up. Zach is not a Christian. His mom is Buddhist and as he said, he just doesn't give a beep about that stuff. Zach is smart though. He's a thinker. And believe me, he made me think too. It basically came down to "faith isn't reality." The reality for people like Zach is that life is a fight. A fight for food, a place to sleep, and to stay alive. His point was that no matter what higher power you believe in, the world still goes on, so what's so real about this faith?

Sure it's [relatively] easy for people like me to have faith. I have a car, a comfortable bed to sleep in every night, a roof over my head, a family that loves and supports me. But it's just not really fair that because of my circumstances I am able to believe in a God who has blessed me and taken care of me. And how do you portray to someone with poor circumstances that faith IS real? I KNOW that Jesus is alive and at work among us but how do you convey that to a homeless man whose life looks nothing like mine?

Zach brought up many questions, not doubts, just questions.

In another part of the conversation Zach said he just needs $27 to start making his way back to Chicago. I know, I know, you're not supposed to give money to homeless people but a guy who had joined us early on in the conversation offered to give him the remaining money. Zach was adament that he could not take the money without paying him back someway. But the message conveyed to Zach was that the conversation and questions that were brought up today were Zach's way of paying him back. What a cool picture of who Christ is. We don't have to pay Him anything because it's all paid for and He loves us that much. Zach couldn't get over that. Sometimes I can't really get over that either. What a beautiful picture of the gospel.

I don't know if Zach took anything away from this time but I sure did. I pray that he saw a REAL picture of who Jesus is and that God would continue stirring in his heart.