Sunday, September 27, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
I miss YWAM. I miss the people, the leaders, Emrie. I miss New Zealand, the base, Christchuch, friday night outreach. I miss being the only southern one (and getting made fun of for it). I miss how different everyone was. I miss traveling and giving my testimony (who would have thought?!?!) and telling people about this Savior I live for. I miss Cambodia, our contacts there, and my precious little class. I miss seeing new things everyday. I miss corporate prayer and worship and feeling like my life is filled with so much purpose. I miss being challenged spiritually on a daily basis and being made to depend on Him. I miss being poured into and in turn pouring out constantly.
This week I've been thinking a lot about how I can best be used by Him in this city. I'm struggling. I feel as if I'm doing nothing to further His kingdom. My life over the past month has revolved around me, and to be honest, it's disgusting me. I don't want to live selfishly. I desire to love others above myself. Time has been passing me by and I'm sick of letting it pass and not doing anything. God has given me so many ideas. Knowing that I literally don't have enough time for all the ideas He's given me, I've been waiting on Him to speak on what to choose specifically to do. But what I've learned and been reminded of is that I must be the one to make the first step. Too often we wait for the Lord to tell us where to go or what to do when the reality is that He's clearly told us to GO and further His kingdom. I'm not underestimating the importance of waiting on Him. BUT, He is waiting for us to step out, open the first door. He'll guide and direct each step but we must step out knowing and trusting that He will speak to us. I've been asking too long what it is He wants me to do and He's spoken many things so my job now is to step out in boldness.
I'm a little nervous about a couple things He's told me to do but I'm excited too. This week I was able to make some steps of obedience. Be praying for God's provision in it all and that I would learn exactly what it means to walk in His Spirit daily.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
I hate that I haven't blogged in a while. It's such a good way for me to process, but life lately is so busy. School is hard. I feel like for the next 2 years I will constantly feel like I can't catch up. One day I feel like I may have a handle on it, and the next I think I'll never be able to get through it all. The few times I've actually been able to sit and really process/think about life I've realized that God is still moving and working in my life in many ways. I'll share a little of that....
I love Jesus SO much. He is SO good. Seriously, each time I really stop and think about Him, I cry. When I was in New Zealand I prayed consistently for Him to give me more love. When I left I definitely knew that prayer had been answered and now, 5 months later, I realize He is continuing to give me even more. So awesome.
Time has already been a huge issue for me, which I hate. I know that the time I spend with Him is SO important and I will not give that up to anyone. I truly want to be able to sit and be with Him for hours each day. I am so desperate to be in His presence. But, where do I find the time? It's definitely a balancing act. But, He has given me such a peace in being back. As probably most of you know I would LOVE to be out in the "world" somewhere. A few of my good friends are either 1) heading to Africa in the next month, 2) making plans to go with a group in the next few months OR 3) still traveling and ministering to people all over the world. Of course my first tendency is to become jealous but what's cool is that although I wish so badly I could go I also know that it's not the season that God has me in right now. He has reminded me of my role over the next few years (or more) and given me such a peace about it. My role is to encourage, support, and pray for them. It excites me so much to see people who are denying themselves and being obedient to His will/calling on their lives. I am so excited for everything they will see and experience, the way He will use them, and what He will teach them. I am excited to play a small role in supporting them as they get to "go" to the nations.
I'm also realizing that I must give EVERYTHING in my life to God. It's cool to me that even in the areas that I feel like to God would be trivial are areas that He still wants to rule. He made me this way, with certain passions, and there is no way He would neglect those areas of my life. It's all important to Him. I've got to believe and trust that He cares. I'm learning to seek His voice and direction in EVERY area.
God is continually reminding me that this is where I am supposed to be. A few months ago, in the villages of Cambodia, I remember thinking that I had never felt like I was more in His will than I was in that moment. I knew it was exactly where I was supposed to be. We were telling people about Jesus to Cambodians who had literally never heard His name before. The other day I got the same feeling except this time I was in Birmingham, AL, surrounded by churches and people who have grown up hearing the name of Jesus. I am right in His will right now. And I just think it's so cool that in 2 of the most opposite locations I could get the same feeling and affirmation from God. It's good to know that this is right where I am supposed to be.
I am reminding myself daily to fix my eyes on Him. There are MANY things in my life right now BUT if I cannot remember the goal, which is Him and His glory, then all of this is completely meaningless. This may make no sense, but to me all of the "stuff" in my life (OT school, riding, Bham, friends, etc) are transparent. When I look at each "thing" I can see God's face on the other side. I can see Him through everything. It's so important for me not to lose sight of Him in it all. I am running this race, one foot after another, pressing in, and striving more and more to become like Jesus. That's the purpose of life. May I learn to be a living sacrifice, lay my life down over and over, surrendered, with arms wide open, and completely obedient to what He has in store for me. I KNOW He will pick me up and carry me when I fail. I am asking Him for confidence, provision, guidance, enjoyment in school, and opportunities to make Him known. I'm excited for what He's doing in me as well as my family all over the world. He's cool.