just some thoughts and things...
i'm trying to get a grasp on His love for me. on His furious longing for me. and not just knowledge of it. 'i am my beloved's, and His desire is for me.' (song of solomon 7:10)
i'm trying to live in the freedom of this love. no guilt.
this paragraph in a book i just finished has given me a different perspective of prayer/His love...
is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy's lap? an assured knowing that the daddy doesn't care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with little friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?
(from brennan mannings, "the furious longing of God")
He's faithful. remember how scared i was about not having ruthie here? i am ok. because He has provided. and He has yet again proven the way He goes before me. i see His faithfulness all around me. because it's just who He is.
the desire to hold orphans never goes away. sometimes i tend to cover it up because when that desire is strong, life in bham is hard. but i always want to be among the poor, the orphans, the unloved...that feeling can never be suppressed.
i am finished with class in may. then, i will complete 2 fieldwork rotations. my first fieldwork is this summer. without getting into too many details, my summer placement is finalized...and i'm in shock. He's had this all planned. He desires for the gifts and passions He's placed in me to be used. basically it's my dream, and it just landed in my lap. GOD?!? if you're interested click here to see more.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
2010.
A year in review…
O please do stay where you remain do not fall do not fall , something greater is on the way just hang on try to hang on, try to hang on.
I doubt so much.
I will rise when You call my name.
HAITI is on my heart.
What would it mean to just go? No questions. Just go.
I KNOW I am going to Haiti.
I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory.
Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed.
He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do.
THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED.
'God has this thing rigged!
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
A week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny.
Fighting injustice in a radical way PLUS horses. yes, please.
Haiti round one: Expectant. Ready. Willing. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY…From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope…letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten…they are BEAUTIFUL people…tents EVERYWHERE…This country has literally been destroyed…It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen…I am sitting on the rooftop, under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life…I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.
Does He want me to be content in Birmingham?
A classroom just doesn't feel right to me.
Reminding myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want.
I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL.
I am clinging to Him, it’s all I can do.
Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country?
I want to be forced to cling to God.
I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.
I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.
All I want to do is Isaiah 61.
It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom
Help My children…the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them.
I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted
Fine line between contentment and complacency.
I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where worldly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...None of it compares to Jesus.
I long for heaven.
I am scared of complacency.
His voice is getting harder to hear.
Katy, you're going to need to chill out.
I must seek BUT He WILL find.
My heart is stirred by a noble theme...
While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends, now I dream of holding orphans. Is there something wrong with me?!
…a feeling like I don't belong here.
I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.
I am doubting myself which is me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway.
Katy, it's never you.
Everyday I battle with how to live here.
I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't think I'll ever know.
What does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?
Without a doubt, my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known.
The "feelings" aren't there.
I thought I was failing at loving Him.
Know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.
I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.
2 Peter 1:3-11
intentional, endurance, and drudgery.
Chase Him regardless of time constraints and busyness.
I have been taken back to the basics.
I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE.
If He asks, will I obey?
My place is always on the knees.
This life's not mine so I better not get too comfortable.
Today, the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning.
"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable."
Less of me. More of Him. Way more.
"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.
Today, although I was forced to be consumed with schoolwork, the world was in the forefront of my head.
My heart literally hurts.
I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.
"Be holy, because I am holy"
Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment.
As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here.
It's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient
Ephesians 3:16-19
More love. More power. More of You in my life.
I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME.
He allows me to be part of something GREAT.
HE IS BETTER. ALWAYS.
Haiti round 2: THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...God is doing something BIG…I have this feeling that God's up to something…The future makes me excited…He's got something brewing…Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me…He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself.
I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED.
I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees!
Haiti round 3: what rehab/OT looks like in a country such as Haiti…I'm a little ball of doubt…I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need…if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation…the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else…Humanity longs for something beautiful.
I've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come.
My future scares the hell out of me.
Ruthie.
When my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand.
I have been disappointed in myself. I have felt a lot of shame.
When there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it.
This is a fight. A waging war.
I am FREE from the law of sin and death.
O please do stay where you remain do not fall do not fall , something greater is on the way just hang on try to hang on, try to hang on.
I doubt so much.
I will rise when You call my name.
HAITI is on my heart.
What would it mean to just go? No questions. Just go.
I KNOW I am going to Haiti.
I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory.
Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed.
He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do.
THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED.
'God has this thing rigged!
IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.
A week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny.
Fighting injustice in a radical way PLUS horses. yes, please.
Haiti round one: Expectant. Ready. Willing. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY…From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope…letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten…they are BEAUTIFUL people…tents EVERYWHERE…This country has literally been destroyed…It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen…I am sitting on the rooftop, under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life…I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.
Does He want me to be content in Birmingham?
A classroom just doesn't feel right to me.
Reminding myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want.
I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL.
I am clinging to Him, it’s all I can do.
Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country?
I want to be forced to cling to God.
I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.
I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.
All I want to do is Isaiah 61.
It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom
Help My children…the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them.
I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted
Fine line between contentment and complacency.
I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where worldly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...None of it compares to Jesus.
I long for heaven.
I am scared of complacency.
His voice is getting harder to hear.
Katy, you're going to need to chill out.
I must seek BUT He WILL find.
My heart is stirred by a noble theme...
While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends, now I dream of holding orphans. Is there something wrong with me?!
…a feeling like I don't belong here.
I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.
I am doubting myself which is me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway.
Katy, it's never you.
Everyday I battle with how to live here.
I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't think I'll ever know.
What does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?
Without a doubt, my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known.
The "feelings" aren't there.
I thought I was failing at loving Him.
Know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.
I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.
2 Peter 1:3-11
intentional, endurance, and drudgery.
Chase Him regardless of time constraints and busyness.
I have been taken back to the basics.
I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE.
If He asks, will I obey?
My place is always on the knees.
This life's not mine so I better not get too comfortable.
Today, the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning.
"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable."
Less of me. More of Him. Way more.
"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.
Today, although I was forced to be consumed with schoolwork, the world was in the forefront of my head.
My heart literally hurts.
I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.
"Be holy, because I am holy"
Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment.
As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here.
It's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient
Ephesians 3:16-19
More love. More power. More of You in my life.
I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME.
He allows me to be part of something GREAT.
HE IS BETTER. ALWAYS.
Haiti round 2: THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...God is doing something BIG…I have this feeling that God's up to something…The future makes me excited…He's got something brewing…Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me…He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself.
I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED.
I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees!
Haiti round 3: what rehab/OT looks like in a country such as Haiti…I'm a little ball of doubt…I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need…if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation…the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else…Humanity longs for something beautiful.
I've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come.
My future scares the hell out of me.
Ruthie.
When my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand.
I have been disappointed in myself. I have felt a lot of shame.
When there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it.
This is a fight. A waging war.
I am FREE from the law of sin and death.
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