good vs. evil.

Paul's words in Romans are exactly what I've been dealing with.

i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do... i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. for what i do is not the good i want to do; no, the evil i do not want to do- this i keep on doing. now if i do what i do not want to do, it is no longer i who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. so i find this law at work: "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. what a wretched man i am! who will rescue me from this body of death? THANKS BE TO GOD- THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!"
....
therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
[parts of romans 7 & 8]

wow. thats a mouthful isn't it? but i read that recently and the jumbled/scrambled thoughts and attempts i've made to write this out was perfectly communicated by paul. i mean, who would've thought the bible can be so right on?!?

without getting into too much detail [or this would be a book] let me explain. i have been disappointed in myself. i have felt a lot of shame. i have so many desires to do good in this city. i want to build relationships with international people, i want my neighbors to know Christ, i want to love the homeless, i want to intercede for the nations, i want to fight injustice. but, i fail. i could list a million reasons [excuses] of why i have failed. but lets be honest, i am sinful, period. i continually think of these desires of mine and immediately feel shame and disappointment in not accomplishing them.

is it my lack of obedience? discipline? initiative? my selfishness? i don't know, but what i've seen is the way the enemy can wiggle his evil self into something good. and just as paul says, when there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it. that deep desire of mine is God's heart, not me. i am wretched! and too often the sin living in me acts. i KNOW that i am God's. i KNOW that i love Him. i KNOW that His GLORY is my greatest desire.

but, this is a fight. a waging war. and i have realized that i have been acting as a prisoner of the law of sin. NO! He rescued me from this shame and disappointment. He wouldn't have chosen me if He thought i was a failure. He loves me. there is no condemnation in Jesus. i am FREE from the law of sin and death. gosh, to grasp this...draws me to my knees. i am consistently humbled by the merciful King that chose me and loves me. He is worthy of everything.

Ezra

I have FINALLY made it to the new testament. Let me just say, it is good to be here.

But, before leaving the old testament I want to share something that's been on my mind pretty constantly since reading the book of Ezra. In chapters 9-10, I am challenged by the way Ezra reacts to sin. The people of Israel have [surprise, surprise] committed sins by being highly unfaithful. When Ezra hears this, he is devastated, appalled... (9:3-6). Ezra trembled at the word of God. Because of his distraught over the sin these people have committed, he falls on his knees with hands raised, and prays. And in case we didn't catch his reaction the first time Ezra 10:1 tells us again. Ezra was...

Confessing.
Weeping.
Throwing himself down before the house of God.
Praying.

Wow. This has really challenged me lately. As I've recognized sin this week, I can't help but think of Ezra. Shouldn't my reaction be like his? Shouldn't I take sin as seriously as he did? And, in all honesty, my reaction to sin doesn't come close to Ezra's. And I want it to. It should. I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees! I want to tremble at the word of God. I want to feel the seriousness of not only my sin, but others sin. So much that it forces me face down, and literally crying out to the only righteous being on behalf of brothers, sisters, friends, and even strangers.

Then, to add to the coolness of this passage, a crowd of Israelites join Ezra ("...they too wept bitterly.") Ok, lets talk about this...This is community. People joining people. Praying. Broken for brothers and sisters. AND...what a cool illustration of the way people influence each other. We do what we see others do. When I act [in a way that reflects Christ], I pray that it drives others to do the same.

Oh, Ezra. You have challenged me and given me new perspectives. Now, may I figure out how to make this real life, not just something that happened in the old testament.

inadequacy.

Rehab/occupational therapy in Haiti...
I don't really know what my thoughts are. This past trip was very unique. We were able to meet with many organizations to get a glimpse of what rehab would look like in a country such as Haiti.
[If you don't know let me catch you up...I'm in graduate school for occupational therapy. I'm not a school person but I know that His way is better. My hopes/dreams involve using these skills to serve people in what will likely be an underdeveloped country. I don't know His exact plan but for now this is the direction I'm heading.]

Ok. Let me first say how obvious God's sovereignty was on this trip. Tickets were booked 3 days before our departure. Needless to say, there were no plans but within a couple of days (and throughout the week we were there) our time was filled with opportunities to meet and see organizations involved with some sort of rehab. We visited 2 hospitals (Hospital Sainte Croix and Hospital Albert Schweitzer), Mission of Hope, Wings of Hope (a home for abandoned, disabled children), Healing Hands for Haiti, and Haiti Medical Missions of Memphis. All of these are great organizations doing great things for the people of Haiti and are running purely from donations. Check out the links if you want to know more.

So, did I get a good picture of what OT might look like down there? Yes. For sure. I feel like this trip was absolutely needed and the first step to anything else. Do I feel like I could do it? Um, lets just say I'm a little ball of doubt. I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need. Everyone we talked to was so creative and so good at what they do. Will the skills I'm learning in school (which is predominately focused on settings in America) transfer to a country/setting like Haiti? Am I creative enough? Not to mention that I would never solely be an OT down there, I'd also be the nurse, the PT, the social worker, the speech pathologist, etc. AH! SO overwhelming.
BUT...
I cannot doubt. Who am I to question the abilty God places in me? Who am I to question His power? When I doubt, I'm blatantly telling God that I don't trust Him. And, I do. I have seen His hand work in areas of my life that I KNOW I couldn't have done alone. I am always reminded of Moses. How inadequate/doubtful/fearful he felt when God called him to set the people of Egypt free. A whole country was placed in Moses hands! And the part that really hits home for me is Exodus 4:10-17. I swear, me and Moses, we are the same person here. I'm not going to go into it, but I know that if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation.

Excuse my language, but my future scares the hell out of me. But, I've told Him I will obey. I want to obey. And when He calls me to something that I feel way to inadequate for, it doesn't matter if it scares the hell out of me, I will do it. Because His ways are better. His power is great. And hell, I'm not the one who does anything good anyway. It's Him in me. Whew, thats a weight off my shoulders!

beauty.

There is too much to say about recent adventures and lessons so be on the lookout for a blog-a-thon this week (aka...lots of blogs).

I just returned from Haiti for a 3rd time in the last 6 months. I know, crazy. This trip was slightly different than the other two. This time Tori and I talked to our professors about skipping out on a couple days of class, bought our tickets 3 days before we left, and headed down with a very tentative plan to see what rehab/OT might look like in a country such as Haiti [there will be more about this sometime this week].

On Friday Tori, Nathan, Bmb and Jwat (2 Haitian friends), and I set out on a road trip to visit a hospital located about 3 hours away. Road trips in tap taps are quite different. See the picture of the tap tap below and imagine basically the bumpiest, dustiest most chaotic road you could ever think of (then multiply by 10). Pretty awesome. What I didn't realize was how BEAUTIFUL the country of Haiti is. I mean, really? Wow. Words cannot do justice what my eyes and brain took in while hanging off the back of that tap tap. But this is my attempt to put my thoughts on a page. Here goes...

There is something about seeing and experiencing beauty/creation like I saw that day. It's a feeling of complete awe. It's like time is frozen but at the same time going by too fast to wrap my head around what I'm seeing. I try to hold onto to these moments. I desperately cling to them. But time just keeps ticking away. Scenes of beauty keep going. Too fast. And it's too much to comprehend.

But beauty like that fills my heart with pure and unspeakable joy. I feel like my whole body is happy (weird, I know). And I feel so much peace. Maybe this is just a small glimpse/taste of heaven will be like. My Maker and the Creator of the universe is unbelievable (but SO real at the same time). Why can't days like this linger? Why can't all of life be that beautiful?
But, I was reminded of how much we cling to beauty [and He is beauty. The exact definition of beauty]. And how the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else. Nothing compares. Humanity longs for something beautiful. Something that brings joy, peace, and fulfillment. And that comes ONLY from God.

Beauty like that is contagious. For example, traveling/seeing the world never fails to fill me with joy. Once I see the beauty of cultures, people, and places, I always want more. And, it's the same with God. When I experience Him and His perfection (that I'm so far from), I long for more of Him in me. What a cool parallel [the Creator and the creation] that I guess are more or less the same thing. One so clearly points to the other. Creation pointed me to my Creator.

I pray for more days where His beauty is so clearly portrayed to me. I want to see this beauty all over the world. I want more adventures like this one. But, I also pray that the glimpse of perfection, joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty is NOT just a glimpse, only to be seen on adventures in other countries. I want this beauty to be a reality in my everyday life in Birmingham, Alabama. Because He is everywhere. And therefore, every moment should be beautiful. I want to see that. And believe it. Really believe it. Not only do I want to see this beauty, I want reflect this beauty. He is in me and because of that I am able to show people joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty. And I desperately want to contribute to His beauty (aka GLORY) being made known here.

ptl.

I find myself feeling sympathy for the people in Jeremiah. The Lord is about to pour out His wrath and destroy them because they have created and worshipped other idols. They have listened to false prophets and dream interpreters. To put it plainly, they've been stupid. And I truly find myself feeling sorry for them.

This is why...

I can relate to these people. When I put myself in their shoes I think I would have done the same thing. Lets be honest, even today I mistakenly put other things over Him. IDOLS. I'm ashamed. It's hard not to. The world is telling us so many things. I'm a stupid wanderer just like the people in Jeremiah.

And then I think that maybe my view of God is off. I mean, shouldn't I be on His side? Shouldn't I want these evil people to be destroyed for putting THE perfect, sovereign, beautiful God on the backburner? These people deserve His wrath. They don't deserve to live. But do I really believe that? Because if I do, then I don't deserve to live.

And thats just it.

I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE. I am not worthy. I continually mess up. Day after day. But, praise God! I live in a time in which He loves me because of the sacrifice of His son. I am grateful for a God who is full of mercy. But, I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED. He is jealous. He is worthy of all my affection. He is all deserving.

I am not.

round two. haiti.

Oh wow. Where to begin...
Haiti.
Oh Haiti.
After 5 months of waiting/dying/needing to go back, it has come and it has gone. And what do I have to say about it? Well, here we go...

THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...
Isaiah 60:5

These words describe the way I felt the second I stepped into Haiti for the 2nd time. I literally felt like joy and happiness were exploding out of me. I felt full of LIFE. Passion. Purpose. JOY. Just like last time I was there, I was reminded that this is how God intended us to live. Loving, serving, seeking, and living in community. When you are in His will, the result is pure joy. And thats what all week was about.

God is doing something BIG. I don't really know how to put any of this into words (story of my life) but let's see...
Some of you may know of a dream I have, if not I'd love to talk about it. But basically my passions in life are 3rd worlds, orphans, and injustice. One day I'd love to see a community in a country (such as Haiti) that is complete with an orphanage, school, hospital, church, teachers, doctors, nurses, PT's, OT's, speech pathologists, dentists, etc. It's a big dream. It has been in my mind/on my heart for about 4 months now and I pray about this pretty consistently. Well, needless to say, there are no plans for any of this, but I have this feeling that God's up to something. I can tell. He's putting people in my path with the same dreams. He's changing my heart. It's like I zoom out on this life of mine, and there is so much ahead of me that I can't see but I see all these random pathways, all starting to meet and make connections. It doesn't really make sense and there is so much uncertainty, but there's not at the same time. I have no plans yet but I know He's got it. He gave me small glimpses of His provision and His hand at work this week. The future makes me excited. He's got something brewing.

He's changing my heart. It's crazy. I always say I want to live in a third world country, but when it comes down to it, i know it would be HARD. My biggest fear is that I would get sucked into living a nice comfortable/complacent life here. And thats because I know that would be easy for me. I mean lets be honest, I've grown up in nice conditions. Comfy beds, nice houses, vacations, good food, shopping, etc. I really used to find joy in those things, or I thought I did. And lately, when I go on a vacation that in the past would have been SO great, SO satisfying, and SO fun, the passion and joy is not there. A feeling of emptiness. It's so confusing. Yet, when I step foot in a dirty, bumpy, hot, mosquito infested, crumbled country, I am the happiest I could ever be. Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me. Now, does that make ANY sense to you? It doesn't to me. But I guess the gospel doesn't really make sense either. What I'm realizing is that He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself. I feel blah in America. Get me back to Haiti already.

I love Haiti. I love the Haitian people. I love the staff at HOM that we've built such great relationships with. I see myself living there. Our team was stellar. This week was filled with constant laughter, lots of sweat, bug spray/bug bites, sore butts, sing a longs, reuniting with new friends, working hard, mortar, stones, orphans, beautiful people, tropical beach, lightening storms, sunsets, card games, little to no sleep, air mattresses, rice and beans, rooftops, visions, dreams, hidden haitians, ice pops, bottled coke, prestige, dirt, mud, sewage, new relationships, bonding, bill fudge, and best of all...Jesus.

A few pics from the week, to see all.... click here.

back to the basics.

Grad school has me constantly feeling behind. Because of that, I haven't gotten to share as much as I would like to. But, regardless of the fast-pace and busyness of life, God is doing some cool things. As mentioned in the previous post, I'm trying to figure out what it is to seek Him and find Him in the drudgery and mundane routines of everyday life. It's amazing what happens when you chase Him regardless of time contraints and busyness.
He speaks.
He leads.
He comforts.
And He never stops loving.

This is what He has been doing in me...

I have been taken back to the basics over the past week or so. He has reminded me of my purpose as I have had a tendency to become wrapped up in school, finals, and what people think of me. He has reminded me that as I am finding more and more enjoyment in OT school, and more and more comfort in the city of Birmingham that I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE. I am thankful that He has finally given me more of a love for what I am learning in school. I am thankful that He has finally allowed me to feel like I can live in the city of Birmingham without a constant feeling of guilt. But, whose to say that He won't ask me to give it all up tomorrow? Whose to say that just because I'm this far along in school, His plan could have me in a new place next month? And if He asks, will I obey? So, I have been reminded that my place is always on the knees. Always with open arms. Always with listening ears. And always ready to obey. This life's not mine, and so I better not get to comfortable.

We live among people who glorify business, wealth, careers, professionalism, etc. And even those of us who KNOW Him tend to march to the tempo of the world. I am reminded that He has called me to follow Him wholeheartedly on a different path. Time alone with Him should always be my highest priority and my deepest joy. It doesn't matter what assignment I have looming ahead, what final is around the corner, or what people think of me.
HE IS BETTER.
ALWAYS.

I don't want treasures on earth. I want treasures in heaven. I only want my head wrapped up in Him. Because, He is all that matters anyway. This world will perish. My life will perish. And will I have lived this temporary blip for His glory only? Or will I have wasted it on the petty, meaningless things that so easily pull my attention away from the CREATOR of the world, the RULER of history, the KING of all nations, and the JUDGE of all peoples? Oh, I hope not.