thoughts & things.

just some thoughts and things...

i'm trying to get a grasp on His love for me. on His furious longing for me. and not just knowledge of it. 'i am my beloved's, and His desire is for me.' (song of solomon 7:10)

i'm trying to live in the freedom of this love. no guilt.

this paragraph in a book i just finished has given me a different perspective of prayer/His love...
is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy's lap? an assured knowing that the daddy doesn't care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with little friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?
(from brennan mannings, "the furious longing of God")

He's faithful. remember how scared i was about not having ruthie here? i am ok. because He has provided. and He has yet again proven the way He goes before me. i see His faithfulness all around me. because it's just who He is.

the desire to hold orphans never goes away. sometimes i tend to cover it up because when that desire is strong, life in bham is hard. but i always want to be among the poor, the orphans, the unloved...that feeling can never be suppressed.

i am finished with class in may. then, i will complete 2 fieldwork rotations. my first fieldwork is this summer. without getting into too many details, my summer placement is finalized...and i'm in shock. He's had this all planned. He desires for the gifts and passions He's placed in me to be used. basically it's my dream, and it just landed in my lap. GOD?!? if you're interested click here to see more.

2010.

A year in review…

O please do stay
 where you remain 
do not fall
 do not fall
, something greater 
is on the way 
just hang on 
try to hang on, 
try to hang on.

I doubt so much.

I will rise when You call my name.

HAITI is on my heart.

What would it mean to just go? No questions. Just go.

I KNOW I am going to Haiti.

I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory.

Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed.

He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do.

THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED.

'God has this thing rigged!

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

A week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny.

Fighting injustice in a radical way PLUS horses. yes, please.

Haiti round one: Expectant. Ready. Willing. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY…From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope…letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten…they are BEAUTIFUL people…tents EVERYWHERE…This country has literally been destroyed…It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen…I am sitting on the rooftop, under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life…I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.

Does He want me to be content in Birmingham?

A classroom just doesn't feel right to me.

Reminding myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want.

I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL.

I am clinging to Him, it’s all I can do.

Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country?

I want to be forced to cling to God.

I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.

I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.

All I want to do is Isaiah 61.

It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom

Help My children…the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them.

I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted

Fine line between contentment and complacency.

I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where worldly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...None of it compares to Jesus.

I long for heaven.

I am scared of complacency.

His voice is getting harder to hear.

Katy, you're going to need to chill out.

I must seek BUT He WILL find.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...

While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends, now I dream of holding orphans. Is there something wrong with me?!

…a feeling like I don't belong here.

I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I am doubting myself which is me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway.

Katy, it's never you.

Everyday I battle with how to live here.

I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't think I'll ever know.

What does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?

Without a doubt, my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known.

The "feelings" aren't there.

I thought I was failing at loving Him.

Know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11

intentional, endurance, and drudgery.

Chase Him regardless of time constraints and busyness.

I have been taken back to the basics.

I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE.

If He asks, will I obey?

My place is always on the knees.

This life's not mine so I better not get too comfortable.

Today, the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning.

"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable."

Less of me. More of Him. Way more.

"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.

Today, although I was forced to be consumed with schoolwork, the world was in the forefront of my head.
My heart literally hurts.

I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.

"Be holy, because I am holy"

Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment.

As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here.

It's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient

Ephesians 3:16-19

More love. More power. More of You in my life.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME.

He allows me to be part of something GREAT.

HE IS BETTER. ALWAYS.

Haiti round 2: THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...God is doing something BIG…I have this feeling that God's up to something…The future makes me excited…He's got something brewing…Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me…He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself.

I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED.

I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees!

Haiti round 3: what rehab/OT looks like in a country such as Haiti…I'm a little ball of doubt…I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need…if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation…the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else…Humanity longs for something beautiful.

I've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come.

My future scares the hell out of me.

Ruthie.

When my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand.

I have been disappointed in myself. I have felt a lot of shame.

When there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it.

This is a fight. A waging war.

I am FREE from the law of sin and death.

ruthie.

ruthie. a best friend. a roommate. the reason why birmingham has been good.
and...
she is leaving me. a new season awaits her in louisville, kentucky. i am proud of her. she's trusting that His plan is better.
but...
i am sad. so sad. there have been many tears as these last few days of living in the city of birmingham together have come. it's hard to imagine life here without her. i'm not sure i've ever been in this situation. i've never been the one 'left', i've only been the one leaving to begin the new season.
i don't know what the remainder of my time in birmingham will look like. i know it will be different. very different. it might be lonely. it might be rocky. it might be hard. but...it might not be. what i do know is..that as i've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come, He has reminded me to TRUST.
and i am.
He is faithful. in the good seasons and in the bad seasons. when my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand. it is then that i must depend on Him. oh, i yearn for my life to be free of difficulties BUT it is in the difficult times that my need for Him and awareness of Him is highlighted. and if that's the case, i am able to consider my problems as pure joy. In darkness and sadness, the RADIANCE of His face shines more clearly.
i will miss her. but i am trusting.

good vs. evil.

Paul's words in Romans are exactly what I've been dealing with.

i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do... i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. for what i do is not the good i want to do; no, the evil i do not want to do- this i keep on doing. now if i do what i do not want to do, it is no longer i who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. so i find this law at work: "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. what a wretched man i am! who will rescue me from this body of death? THANKS BE TO GOD- THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!"
....
therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
[parts of romans 7 & 8]

wow. thats a mouthful isn't it? but i read that recently and the jumbled/scrambled thoughts and attempts i've made to write this out was perfectly communicated by paul. i mean, who would've thought the bible can be so right on?!?

without getting into too much detail [or this would be a book] let me explain. i have been disappointed in myself. i have felt a lot of shame. i have so many desires to do good in this city. i want to build relationships with international people, i want my neighbors to know Christ, i want to love the homeless, i want to intercede for the nations, i want to fight injustice. but, i fail. i could list a million reasons [excuses] of why i have failed. but lets be honest, i am sinful, period. i continually think of these desires of mine and immediately feel shame and disappointment in not accomplishing them.

is it my lack of obedience? discipline? initiative? my selfishness? i don't know, but what i've seen is the way the enemy can wiggle his evil self into something good. and just as paul says, when there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it. that deep desire of mine is God's heart, not me. i am wretched! and too often the sin living in me acts. i KNOW that i am God's. i KNOW that i love Him. i KNOW that His GLORY is my greatest desire.

but, this is a fight. a waging war. and i have realized that i have been acting as a prisoner of the law of sin. NO! He rescued me from this shame and disappointment. He wouldn't have chosen me if He thought i was a failure. He loves me. there is no condemnation in Jesus. i am FREE from the law of sin and death. gosh, to grasp this...draws me to my knees. i am consistently humbled by the merciful King that chose me and loves me. He is worthy of everything.

Ezra

I have FINALLY made it to the new testament. Let me just say, it is good to be here.

But, before leaving the old testament I want to share something that's been on my mind pretty constantly since reading the book of Ezra. In chapters 9-10, I am challenged by the way Ezra reacts to sin. The people of Israel have [surprise, surprise] committed sins by being highly unfaithful. When Ezra hears this, he is devastated, appalled... (9:3-6). Ezra trembled at the word of God. Because of his distraught over the sin these people have committed, he falls on his knees with hands raised, and prays. And in case we didn't catch his reaction the first time Ezra 10:1 tells us again. Ezra was...

Confessing.
Weeping.
Throwing himself down before the house of God.
Praying.

Wow. This has really challenged me lately. As I've recognized sin this week, I can't help but think of Ezra. Shouldn't my reaction be like his? Shouldn't I take sin as seriously as he did? And, in all honesty, my reaction to sin doesn't come close to Ezra's. And I want it to. It should. I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees! I want to tremble at the word of God. I want to feel the seriousness of not only my sin, but others sin. So much that it forces me face down, and literally crying out to the only righteous being on behalf of brothers, sisters, friends, and even strangers.

Then, to add to the coolness of this passage, a crowd of Israelites join Ezra ("...they too wept bitterly.") Ok, lets talk about this...This is community. People joining people. Praying. Broken for brothers and sisters. AND...what a cool illustration of the way people influence each other. We do what we see others do. When I act [in a way that reflects Christ], I pray that it drives others to do the same.

Oh, Ezra. You have challenged me and given me new perspectives. Now, may I figure out how to make this real life, not just something that happened in the old testament.

inadequacy.

Rehab/occupational therapy in Haiti...
I don't really know what my thoughts are. This past trip was very unique. We were able to meet with many organizations to get a glimpse of what rehab would look like in a country such as Haiti.
[If you don't know let me catch you up...I'm in graduate school for occupational therapy. I'm not a school person but I know that His way is better. My hopes/dreams involve using these skills to serve people in what will likely be an underdeveloped country. I don't know His exact plan but for now this is the direction I'm heading.]

Ok. Let me first say how obvious God's sovereignty was on this trip. Tickets were booked 3 days before our departure. Needless to say, there were no plans but within a couple of days (and throughout the week we were there) our time was filled with opportunities to meet and see organizations involved with some sort of rehab. We visited 2 hospitals (Hospital Sainte Croix and Hospital Albert Schweitzer), Mission of Hope, Wings of Hope (a home for abandoned, disabled children), Healing Hands for Haiti, and Haiti Medical Missions of Memphis. All of these are great organizations doing great things for the people of Haiti and are running purely from donations. Check out the links if you want to know more.

So, did I get a good picture of what OT might look like down there? Yes. For sure. I feel like this trip was absolutely needed and the first step to anything else. Do I feel like I could do it? Um, lets just say I'm a little ball of doubt. I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need. Everyone we talked to was so creative and so good at what they do. Will the skills I'm learning in school (which is predominately focused on settings in America) transfer to a country/setting like Haiti? Am I creative enough? Not to mention that I would never solely be an OT down there, I'd also be the nurse, the PT, the social worker, the speech pathologist, etc. AH! SO overwhelming.
BUT...
I cannot doubt. Who am I to question the abilty God places in me? Who am I to question His power? When I doubt, I'm blatantly telling God that I don't trust Him. And, I do. I have seen His hand work in areas of my life that I KNOW I couldn't have done alone. I am always reminded of Moses. How inadequate/doubtful/fearful he felt when God called him to set the people of Egypt free. A whole country was placed in Moses hands! And the part that really hits home for me is Exodus 4:10-17. I swear, me and Moses, we are the same person here. I'm not going to go into it, but I know that if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation.

Excuse my language, but my future scares the hell out of me. But, I've told Him I will obey. I want to obey. And when He calls me to something that I feel way to inadequate for, it doesn't matter if it scares the hell out of me, I will do it. Because His ways are better. His power is great. And hell, I'm not the one who does anything good anyway. It's Him in me. Whew, thats a weight off my shoulders!

beauty.

There is too much to say about recent adventures and lessons so be on the lookout for a blog-a-thon this week (aka...lots of blogs).

I just returned from Haiti for a 3rd time in the last 6 months. I know, crazy. This trip was slightly different than the other two. This time Tori and I talked to our professors about skipping out on a couple days of class, bought our tickets 3 days before we left, and headed down with a very tentative plan to see what rehab/OT might look like in a country such as Haiti [there will be more about this sometime this week].

On Friday Tori, Nathan, Bmb and Jwat (2 Haitian friends), and I set out on a road trip to visit a hospital located about 3 hours away. Road trips in tap taps are quite different. See the picture of the tap tap below and imagine basically the bumpiest, dustiest most chaotic road you could ever think of (then multiply by 10). Pretty awesome. What I didn't realize was how BEAUTIFUL the country of Haiti is. I mean, really? Wow. Words cannot do justice what my eyes and brain took in while hanging off the back of that tap tap. But this is my attempt to put my thoughts on a page. Here goes...

There is something about seeing and experiencing beauty/creation like I saw that day. It's a feeling of complete awe. It's like time is frozen but at the same time going by too fast to wrap my head around what I'm seeing. I try to hold onto to these moments. I desperately cling to them. But time just keeps ticking away. Scenes of beauty keep going. Too fast. And it's too much to comprehend.

But beauty like that fills my heart with pure and unspeakable joy. I feel like my whole body is happy (weird, I know). And I feel so much peace. Maybe this is just a small glimpse/taste of heaven will be like. My Maker and the Creator of the universe is unbelievable (but SO real at the same time). Why can't days like this linger? Why can't all of life be that beautiful?
But, I was reminded of how much we cling to beauty [and He is beauty. The exact definition of beauty]. And how the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else. Nothing compares. Humanity longs for something beautiful. Something that brings joy, peace, and fulfillment. And that comes ONLY from God.

Beauty like that is contagious. For example, traveling/seeing the world never fails to fill me with joy. Once I see the beauty of cultures, people, and places, I always want more. And, it's the same with God. When I experience Him and His perfection (that I'm so far from), I long for more of Him in me. What a cool parallel [the Creator and the creation] that I guess are more or less the same thing. One so clearly points to the other. Creation pointed me to my Creator.

I pray for more days where His beauty is so clearly portrayed to me. I want to see this beauty all over the world. I want more adventures like this one. But, I also pray that the glimpse of perfection, joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty is NOT just a glimpse, only to be seen on adventures in other countries. I want this beauty to be a reality in my everyday life in Birmingham, Alabama. Because He is everywhere. And therefore, every moment should be beautiful. I want to see that. And believe it. Really believe it. Not only do I want to see this beauty, I want reflect this beauty. He is in me and because of that I am able to show people joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty. And I desperately want to contribute to His beauty (aka GLORY) being made known here.