rest, church, and prayer

I cannot seem to get enough of Him. It's a good place to be. I just returned from NC for my first break since I hit American soil in August. It was a short break as this tuesday is my first final exam. But, as I said, I am SO thirsty for Him. This whole break all I wanted to do (besides eat turkey and see family) was sit and enjoy Him, reminisce on what He has taught me these few months, and learn more on how I can better reflect Him. I love Him. I am passionate about Him. And I am so thankful that I know Him. As I enter into these final 2 weeks of the semester, my prayer is that I will not put this hunger and thirst aside for books and tests. It will be hard to put Him first, to not get anxious or stressed about the 300 finals ahead of me, but He is my priority.

One thing I have been so grateful for recently is the church I have been attending in Birmingham. Wow. I am overwhelmed with the obedience of this church and the pastor. He is literally wrecking lives. The word that is preached is SO pure, not your typical watered down version of the gospel. It is RADICAL. Truth is preached and people cannot deny His calling on thier lives. The Holy Spirit is there and I am grateful to be a part of it. I will say that when I first started going to this church at the beginning of the semester I was very wary of the fact that it's what we call a "mega-church." But, it is without a doubt where I am supposed to be, where I am getting fed and challenged, and where I desire to be a part of His body. I wish everyone could come...

Another thing I am overwhelmed with is the fact that He wants to use me. He has chosen me. He has a huge purpose for me. In Homewood, AL, I can change the world. PRAYER. Intercession. He can accomplish His will through ME praying. What?! So, why wouldn't I pray? The more I pray for people and the world and seek His heart for the nations, the more He is humbling me. How do I get to be a part of of His HUGE plan for the nations? Really? Through devoting a small amount of time to chase after His heart for people, He is teaching me and blessing me and USING me more than I ever thought possible. I am HUMBLED to be an "heir" of the most high King.

life, weddings, and holy anguish.

A few thoughts...

The other day, I was asked the question...

Where would you be if you weren't in Birmingham getting your masters?

And although I have been struggling with wanting to be anywhere in the world but here, I didn't have an answer. Crazy that after continually trying to convince myself that I am supposed to be somewhere else I've never really thought about where EXACTLY I would be. Which is the Lord confirming yet again that I am EXACTLY where He has me.

After 3 months I'm finally feeling a little more settled. Over the course of these 3 months I have felt as if I've been home FOREVER and then at other times I feel like it has FLOWN by. It is a little hard to believe that if i make it through these next few weeks, I will have completed my first semester of OT school. And only by His grace and strength have I. It's also hard to believe that He has increased my love for people and the world even more. Was that possible? I guess so. My heart aches for the world.

One of my best friends just got married. She was the first out of a group of 6 best friends. This time last year Jamie and Nick had not even met. Now, they are in Mexico on the their honeymoon. They met over Christmas on a cruise and I guess you could say it was 'love at first sight.' Three months later they were engaged. Jamie's life is as close to fairy tale that I've seen and it is so fun to watch the Lord continually bless her for her faithfulness and love for Him. She is SO happy and was literally the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. I'm so happy for both of them. And as always weddings get me thinking....one day it will be my turn...

Holy anguish...

I've been thinking about these 2 words for a week or so...

Here we are, KNOWING Jesus. I mean like really knowing Him, have a relationship with Him, growing in Him, loving Him, and trusting Him. We know that we have a treasure that not everyone has. And we know that people that do not know Him will (not to be harsh) go to hell as we go on to eternal life in heaven.

Hell...

I think I've never really given this place too much thought. And what I'm realizing is that I don't want to. I've heard that it is a place of fire and evil. It's where the "bad people" go. Where the murderers and thieves go. The rapists and abusers go. In scripture it talks about it as a place of torture, pain, and suffering for eternity.

Although I believe that hell exists and people do go there, it's very hard for me to believe that God actually allows that. But, He is a God to be feared. I think we don't want to think about this place because maybe we have lost loved ones or know people that weren't necessarily 'Christians.' There are so many 'good' people that don't believe in Jesus and they will go on to be tortured for eternity?! Really?! Yes. He is the WAY. The only way.

SO...

Knowing this. Knowing that Hell is real. Knowing that none of us want to go there. Knowing that by not believing or having a relationship with our Creator, we will go.

Knowing these things, the question is....

ARE WE LIVING THAT WAY?

Are we living in holy anguish? Are we telling people about Him? Or are we being selfish with this gift of salvation that can be offered to EVERYONE?

I don't know about ya'll but I cannot live my life and be ok with the fact that so many people will go on to be tortured for ETERNITY as I dance on the streets of gold. That just doesn't seem fair. There is an urgency. I don't know about you but I don't want anyone to suffer for eternity. I'm trying to live this out. This urgency. This holy anguish....

send me!

All I can think about is the world. I want to go. Now.

Some recent questions...

God,

Is this where You really want me?

Am I wasting my time?

My money?

Will I really use OT?

Are you sure God?

Are you sure?

I don't know what the answer is. I do know that I have never in my life felt such a longing to GO. Missionary? I don't know. I've avoided that word being my profession for a while. But I cannot get away from the fact that I love missions. I love the world. I love people. I love cultures. And most of all, I love God. I cannot stop 'yelling' the words I WANT TO GO! as I talk to Him.

Somedays I think I'm so ordinary, so normal, like I haven't changed. I love walking my dog through the neighborhood, I love being consumed with horses and riding, I love my feathery/girly bed. But then I see how unordinary I am. How I have changed. How my eyes fill with tears at the sight of a homeless person. How my heart beats faster when I see/hear stories of the way He has changed lives. How I long to soak in His presence. The nations are constantly on my mind. I am burdened for the world. I desire to be doing work for His kingdom.

And again these words convict me....Be content where you are.

This is a constant theme. Why can I not learn this?

Birmingham is where I am. An OT student is what I am doing. Is this where I'm supposed to be? I don't know. I think I don't want it to be where I'm supposed to be (does that make sense?). I'm going to keep seeking Him, keep stepping forward, hoping that He will speak and guide me clearly. Right now, as my heart cries out 'I WANT TO GO,' I must learn contentment. This phase of graduate school is going to be a long one if I cannot grasp this concept.

"The Nations whisper my name with a familiarity and I will return to them in time."

This is what I miss. Where I long to return one day...