big day.

[I think I'm going to start blogging again.]

My head is reeling. I spent the day in Citi Soleil (largest slum in Haiti/western hemisphere). I'm ashamed to admit that it is easy for me to become numb to these conditions of extreme poverty. I have been able to see several places around the world that are absolutely shocking compared to our American lives. I've come to Haiti many times and seen this over and over again. But...

Not today.

And I praise God for that. I never want to become numb and/or complacent to dire need and horrific circumstances. God's heart is for these people. I'm not going to forget that. And I will pray that He continues to AWAKEN me over and over again to the harsh reality of life for billions of people around this world.

But, how do I respond to this? What can I do? I know I know...pray, it all begins with just one life, love them, give freely... I have heard it all, even told others, but I'm still asking/screaming inside, WHAT CAN I DO?!? I found myself over and over again praying for the runny nosed, bloated bellies, rattled breathing babies and children I held and encountered all day long. But that was even difficult! What do you even say to God? What do you ask Him for? I don't know. I really don't. Oh, I am happy as a clam sitting in the dirt and playing patty cake with them. Holding babies. Learning creole. Taking tours of houses made of tin [or tarps]. But, why does that make me happy? This life is brutal for thousands in Haiti. It's a fight to survive. Of course I'm happy, I have a home in one of the best countries in the world. My life will never consist of living in an 8 x 8 room with 5 others, holes in the roof (if there even is a roof) and dirt floors. I'll never wake up not knowing what to feed my children [or myself], squat in the middle of the road to use the "bathroom", or walk distances just to have a little water.

I am at a loss. And maybe it's ok to be in this place because it forces me to my knees, pleading for God to use me to change this world. Begging for Him to invade my little life of nothing and make it into something great. For His glory. His people. To fight injustice. To radically love.

I have officially graduated, taken my boards, and as of TODAY passed my boards. So now the daunting question comes...what now? And the answer....I do not know. But today gave me a bit of perspective. Maybe it's what I needed, maybe not. Nonetheless, a day I hope not to soon forget.

moving right along.

Today was HUGE for me. After 2 years of...

Thinking I could never do it.
Fighting His plan.
DOUBTING His plan.
Feeling completely inadequate.
Tears.
Stress.

I MADE IT!!! I am finished with the 'classroom'. No more assignments, tests, presentations, powerpoints, etc. EVER. It's over. The remainder of my time in graduate school will be spent doing 'hands on' learning, aka fieldwork rotations. For those who have followed me through this process, you know it's been a struggle to stick with it. But, THE DAY IS HERE. Wow. That's all I can say.

As I look behind me and in front of me, I am blown away by what His hand has done and what His hand is doing. I've been reflecting on these last 2 years a lot and through this, I am reminded of how trustworthy, faithful, sovereign, and just plain ole good God is. To see the way His hand has worked... it's just not really believable. I could have never guessed what He had in store. To think of the multiple friendships formed, the heart He has given me for Haiti, and the opportunities He has placed in my lap... wow. I am SO excited for what's to come.

It hasn't been an easy 2 years, but He has challenged me and shaped me in multiple ways. And as I stand on the brink of something big, concluding yet another season of my life, I wonder how I could've questioned Him. This life is His. And even after all the mistakes I've made and the opportunities I've missed, He has made it [and is making it] into something beautiful. But, how foolish am I?! Of course He is! My purpose here is His glory and everything about His glory is beautiful.

He deserves all of my praise.

no boxes.

i've been reminded of a few things this week...

God is big. SO big. and i don't know why but i can so easily put Him in a box. but, He doesn't do boxes. and this week he gave me a little tap on the shoulder and told me He's got some pretty awesome plans. i feel like i'm on the brink of some pretty baller dreams coming to life. He's up to something, and has been for awhile. i still know nothing. but what i do know is that He doesn't fit in boxes. and i know that i can trust Him. because what He has for me is bigger and better than anything i could think up.

haiti...occupational therapy...argentina...

these are the things i'm dreaming of. these are the things i'm trusting Him with. the future is looking very bright right now. funny that he chose to remind me of this in the midst of what may be my busiest/stressful/craziest week of my grad school career. His timing is perfect. He knows. and for now, i'm going to keep on walking through my routine/mundane schedule. and He's going to keep making it an adventure. He's going to keep guiding me right into the path of His glory and His fame. i'm ok with that...

we serve a mighty God. we serve a God who furiously loves us, when we don't deserve it. gosh, I love Him. He is good.

have Your way.

the past week has been about surrender. or re-surrender. whatever you want to call it.

i have felt the need to continue telling Him that i am His. i am open. i am willing. and i want to be obedient.

that i lay my life at His feet. that he can have His way with me. it's truly what i want. and i really can honestly say that i trust He is better than ANYTHING.

usually, i feel like moments like this (of complete surrender) surface when a big step is coming up, a big decision, a future change, etc. but, there is nothing extravagant coming up for me [that i know of]. i am just reminded that yet again, even in the mundane/routine life i'm living right now, He still wants ALL OF ME. He still wants to use me. He still wants His glory made known through me.

we only find our freedom
here on our knees
we are yours
we are yours

it's true. our joy and our freedom only come when we are His. fully His. and to be His, we must lay ourselves down.

and i will continue failing at this. but i will also continue giving myself to Him. this process is never easy. it never comes naturally.

BUT...
Here i am. [all of me]

thoughts & things.

just some thoughts and things...

i'm trying to get a grasp on His love for me. on His furious longing for me. and not just knowledge of it. 'i am my beloved's, and His desire is for me.' (song of solomon 7:10)

i'm trying to live in the freedom of this love. no guilt.

this paragraph in a book i just finished has given me a different perspective of prayer/His love...
is your own personal prayer life characterized by the simplicity, childlike candor, boundless trust, and easy familiarity of a little one crawling up in Daddy's lap? an assured knowing that the daddy doesn't care if the child falls asleep, starts playing with toys, or even starts chatting with little friends, because the daddy knows the child has essentially chosen to be with him for that moment? is that the spirit of your interior prayer life?
(from brennan mannings, "the furious longing of God")

He's faithful. remember how scared i was about not having ruthie here? i am ok. because He has provided. and He has yet again proven the way He goes before me. i see His faithfulness all around me. because it's just who He is.

the desire to hold orphans never goes away. sometimes i tend to cover it up because when that desire is strong, life in bham is hard. but i always want to be among the poor, the orphans, the unloved...that feeling can never be suppressed.

i am finished with class in may. then, i will complete 2 fieldwork rotations. my first fieldwork is this summer. without getting into too many details, my summer placement is finalized...and i'm in shock. He's had this all planned. He desires for the gifts and passions He's placed in me to be used. basically it's my dream, and it just landed in my lap. GOD?!? if you're interested click here to see more.

2010.

A year in review…

O please do stay
 where you remain 
do not fall
 do not fall
, something greater 
is on the way 
just hang on 
try to hang on, 
try to hang on.

I doubt so much.

I will rise when You call my name.

HAITI is on my heart.

What would it mean to just go? No questions. Just go.

I KNOW I am going to Haiti.

I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory.

Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed.

He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do.

THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED.

'God has this thing rigged!

IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

A week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny.

Fighting injustice in a radical way PLUS horses. yes, please.

Haiti round one: Expectant. Ready. Willing. Deep hunger. For HIS will only. His glory only. His face ONLY…From the moment we have arrived we have been surrounded with constant singing, rejoicing, and worshiping. It is BEAUTIFUL. They are happy. They are JOYFUL. They are filled with hope…letting them know that they have NOT been forgotten…they are BEAUTIFUL people…tents EVERYWHERE…This country has literally been destroyed…It is faith and perseverance that I have never seen…I am sitting on the rooftop, under the stars, guitar playing, singing, laughter, and deep convos. I LOVE life…I kind of want to live here. Seriously. I am falling in love with Haiti.

Does He want me to be content in Birmingham?

A classroom just doesn't feel right to me.

Reminding myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want.

I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL.

I am clinging to Him, it’s all I can do.

Isn't it funny how I can be jealous of the life of a person living in a third world country?

I want to be forced to cling to God.

I want to know Him like the Haitians know Him.

I am consumed and I want to be more consumed.

All I want to do is Isaiah 61.

It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom

Help My children…the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them.

I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted

Fine line between contentment and complacency.

I am slowly grasping and realizing that as I live out this temporary life, where worldly things seem to bring so much happiness and satisfaction, the truth is...None of it compares to Jesus.

I long for heaven.

I am scared of complacency.

His voice is getting harder to hear.

Katy, you're going to need to chill out.

I must seek BUT He WILL find.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...

While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends, now I dream of holding orphans. Is there something wrong with me?!

…a feeling like I don't belong here.

I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I am doubting myself which is me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway.

Katy, it's never you.

Everyday I battle with how to live here.

I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't think I'll ever know.

What does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?

Without a doubt, my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known.

The "feelings" aren't there.

I thought I was failing at loving Him.

Know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11

intentional, endurance, and drudgery.

Chase Him regardless of time constraints and busyness.

I have been taken back to the basics.

I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE.

If He asks, will I obey?

My place is always on the knees.

This life's not mine so I better not get too comfortable.

Today, the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning.

"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable."

Less of me. More of Him. Way more.

"This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.

Today, although I was forced to be consumed with schoolwork, the world was in the forefront of my head.
My heart literally hurts.

I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.

"Be holy, because I am holy"

Anxiety, doubt, and discontentment.

As much as I don't want to admit this, as much as I fight this... God has called me here.

It's good to question and feel "uncomfortable." It's good to "check" myself. To make sure I am in His will and being obedient

Ephesians 3:16-19

More love. More power. More of You in my life.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that He chooses ME.

He allows me to be part of something GREAT.

HE IS BETTER. ALWAYS.

Haiti round 2: THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...God is doing something BIG…I have this feeling that God's up to something…The future makes me excited…He's got something brewing…Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me…He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself.

I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED.

I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees!

Haiti round 3: what rehab/OT looks like in a country such as Haiti…I'm a little ball of doubt…I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need…if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation…the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else…Humanity longs for something beautiful.

I've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come.

My future scares the hell out of me.

Ruthie.

When my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand.

I have been disappointed in myself. I have felt a lot of shame.

When there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it.

This is a fight. A waging war.

I am FREE from the law of sin and death.

ruthie.

ruthie. a best friend. a roommate. the reason why birmingham has been good.
and...
she is leaving me. a new season awaits her in louisville, kentucky. i am proud of her. she's trusting that His plan is better.
but...
i am sad. so sad. there have been many tears as these last few days of living in the city of birmingham together have come. it's hard to imagine life here without her. i'm not sure i've ever been in this situation. i've never been the one 'left', i've only been the one leaving to begin the new season.
i don't know what the remainder of my time in birmingham will look like. i know it will be different. very different. it might be lonely. it might be rocky. it might be hard. but...it might not be. what i do know is..that as i've struggled through the past month thinking of what is to come, He has reminded me to TRUST.
and i am.
He is faithful. in the good seasons and in the bad seasons. when my little world feels unsteady, shaken up, and unpredictable, it is then that i grab His hand. it is then that i must depend on Him. oh, i yearn for my life to be free of difficulties BUT it is in the difficult times that my need for Him and awareness of Him is highlighted. and if that's the case, i am able to consider my problems as pure joy. In darkness and sadness, the RADIANCE of His face shines more clearly.
i will miss her. but i am trusting.

good vs. evil.

Paul's words in Romans are exactly what I've been dealing with.

i do not understand what i do. for what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do... i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. for i have the desire to do what is good, but i cannot carry it out. for what i do is not the good i want to do; no, the evil i do not want to do- this i keep on doing. now if i do what i do not want to do, it is no longer i who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. so i find this law at work: "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. for in my inner being i delight in God's law; but i see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. what a wretched man i am! who will rescue me from this body of death? THANKS BE TO GOD- THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!"
....
therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
[parts of romans 7 & 8]

wow. thats a mouthful isn't it? but i read that recently and the jumbled/scrambled thoughts and attempts i've made to write this out was perfectly communicated by paul. i mean, who would've thought the bible can be so right on?!?

without getting into too much detail [or this would be a book] let me explain. i have been disappointed in myself. i have felt a lot of shame. i have so many desires to do good in this city. i want to build relationships with international people, i want my neighbors to know Christ, i want to love the homeless, i want to intercede for the nations, i want to fight injustice. but, i fail. i could list a million reasons [excuses] of why i have failed. but lets be honest, i am sinful, period. i continually think of these desires of mine and immediately feel shame and disappointment in not accomplishing them.

is it my lack of obedience? discipline? initiative? my selfishness? i don't know, but what i've seen is the way the enemy can wiggle his evil self into something good. and just as paul says, when there is desire to do good, evil is right there with it. that deep desire of mine is God's heart, not me. i am wretched! and too often the sin living in me acts. i KNOW that i am God's. i KNOW that i love Him. i KNOW that His GLORY is my greatest desire.

but, this is a fight. a waging war. and i have realized that i have been acting as a prisoner of the law of sin. NO! He rescued me from this shame and disappointment. He wouldn't have chosen me if He thought i was a failure. He loves me. there is no condemnation in Jesus. i am FREE from the law of sin and death. gosh, to grasp this...draws me to my knees. i am consistently humbled by the merciful King that chose me and loves me. He is worthy of everything.

Ezra

I have FINALLY made it to the new testament. Let me just say, it is good to be here.

But, before leaving the old testament I want to share something that's been on my mind pretty constantly since reading the book of Ezra. In chapters 9-10, I am challenged by the way Ezra reacts to sin. The people of Israel have [surprise, surprise] committed sins by being highly unfaithful. When Ezra hears this, he is devastated, appalled... (9:3-6). Ezra trembled at the word of God. Because of his distraught over the sin these people have committed, he falls on his knees with hands raised, and prays. And in case we didn't catch his reaction the first time Ezra 10:1 tells us again. Ezra was...

Confessing.
Weeping.
Throwing himself down before the house of God.
Praying.

Wow. This has really challenged me lately. As I've recognized sin this week, I can't help but think of Ezra. Shouldn't my reaction be like his? Shouldn't I take sin as seriously as he did? And, in all honesty, my reaction to sin doesn't come close to Ezra's. And I want it to. It should. I want the act of sinning to drive me to my knees! I want to tremble at the word of God. I want to feel the seriousness of not only my sin, but others sin. So much that it forces me face down, and literally crying out to the only righteous being on behalf of brothers, sisters, friends, and even strangers.

Then, to add to the coolness of this passage, a crowd of Israelites join Ezra ("...they too wept bitterly.") Ok, lets talk about this...This is community. People joining people. Praying. Broken for brothers and sisters. AND...what a cool illustration of the way people influence each other. We do what we see others do. When I act [in a way that reflects Christ], I pray that it drives others to do the same.

Oh, Ezra. You have challenged me and given me new perspectives. Now, may I figure out how to make this real life, not just something that happened in the old testament.

inadequacy.

Rehab/occupational therapy in Haiti...
I don't really know what my thoughts are. This past trip was very unique. We were able to meet with many organizations to get a glimpse of what rehab would look like in a country such as Haiti.
[If you don't know let me catch you up...I'm in graduate school for occupational therapy. I'm not a school person but I know that His way is better. My hopes/dreams involve using these skills to serve people in what will likely be an underdeveloped country. I don't know His exact plan but for now this is the direction I'm heading.]

Ok. Let me first say how obvious God's sovereignty was on this trip. Tickets were booked 3 days before our departure. Needless to say, there were no plans but within a couple of days (and throughout the week we were there) our time was filled with opportunities to meet and see organizations involved with some sort of rehab. We visited 2 hospitals (Hospital Sainte Croix and Hospital Albert Schweitzer), Mission of Hope, Wings of Hope (a home for abandoned, disabled children), Healing Hands for Haiti, and Haiti Medical Missions of Memphis. All of these are great organizations doing great things for the people of Haiti and are running purely from donations. Check out the links if you want to know more.

So, did I get a good picture of what OT might look like down there? Yes. For sure. I feel like this trip was absolutely needed and the first step to anything else. Do I feel like I could do it? Um, lets just say I'm a little ball of doubt. I don't feel like I'll ever have the skills needed to offer the people of a country in SO much need. Everyone we talked to was so creative and so good at what they do. Will the skills I'm learning in school (which is predominately focused on settings in America) transfer to a country/setting like Haiti? Am I creative enough? Not to mention that I would never solely be an OT down there, I'd also be the nurse, the PT, the social worker, the speech pathologist, etc. AH! SO overwhelming.
BUT...
I cannot doubt. Who am I to question the abilty God places in me? Who am I to question His power? When I doubt, I'm blatantly telling God that I don't trust Him. And, I do. I have seen His hand work in areas of my life that I KNOW I couldn't have done alone. I am always reminded of Moses. How inadequate/doubtful/fearful he felt when God called him to set the people of Egypt free. A whole country was placed in Moses hands! And the part that really hits home for me is Exodus 4:10-17. I swear, me and Moses, we are the same person here. I'm not going to go into it, but I know that if God can use an ordinary, insecure man to save a nation, then He can also use an ordinary, insecure girl to help a nation.

Excuse my language, but my future scares the hell out of me. But, I've told Him I will obey. I want to obey. And when He calls me to something that I feel way to inadequate for, it doesn't matter if it scares the hell out of me, I will do it. Because His ways are better. His power is great. And hell, I'm not the one who does anything good anyway. It's Him in me. Whew, thats a weight off my shoulders!

beauty.

There is too much to say about recent adventures and lessons so be on the lookout for a blog-a-thon this week (aka...lots of blogs).

I just returned from Haiti for a 3rd time in the last 6 months. I know, crazy. This trip was slightly different than the other two. This time Tori and I talked to our professors about skipping out on a couple days of class, bought our tickets 3 days before we left, and headed down with a very tentative plan to see what rehab/OT might look like in a country such as Haiti [there will be more about this sometime this week].

On Friday Tori, Nathan, Bmb and Jwat (2 Haitian friends), and I set out on a road trip to visit a hospital located about 3 hours away. Road trips in tap taps are quite different. See the picture of the tap tap below and imagine basically the bumpiest, dustiest most chaotic road you could ever think of (then multiply by 10). Pretty awesome. What I didn't realize was how BEAUTIFUL the country of Haiti is. I mean, really? Wow. Words cannot do justice what my eyes and brain took in while hanging off the back of that tap tap. But this is my attempt to put my thoughts on a page. Here goes...

There is something about seeing and experiencing beauty/creation like I saw that day. It's a feeling of complete awe. It's like time is frozen but at the same time going by too fast to wrap my head around what I'm seeing. I try to hold onto to these moments. I desperately cling to them. But time just keeps ticking away. Scenes of beauty keep going. Too fast. And it's too much to comprehend.

But beauty like that fills my heart with pure and unspeakable joy. I feel like my whole body is happy (weird, I know). And I feel so much peace. Maybe this is just a small glimpse/taste of heaven will be like. My Maker and the Creator of the universe is unbelievable (but SO real at the same time). Why can't days like this linger? Why can't all of life be that beautiful?
But, I was reminded of how much we cling to beauty [and He is beauty. The exact definition of beauty]. And how the works of His hands bring joy, peace, and fulfillment like nothing else. Nothing compares. Humanity longs for something beautiful. Something that brings joy, peace, and fulfillment. And that comes ONLY from God.

Beauty like that is contagious. For example, traveling/seeing the world never fails to fill me with joy. Once I see the beauty of cultures, people, and places, I always want more. And, it's the same with God. When I experience Him and His perfection (that I'm so far from), I long for more of Him in me. What a cool parallel [the Creator and the creation] that I guess are more or less the same thing. One so clearly points to the other. Creation pointed me to my Creator.

I pray for more days where His beauty is so clearly portrayed to me. I want to see this beauty all over the world. I want more adventures like this one. But, I also pray that the glimpse of perfection, joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty is NOT just a glimpse, only to be seen on adventures in other countries. I want this beauty to be a reality in my everyday life in Birmingham, Alabama. Because He is everywhere. And therefore, every moment should be beautiful. I want to see that. And believe it. Really believe it. Not only do I want to see this beauty, I want reflect this beauty. He is in me and because of that I am able to show people joy, fulfillment, peace, and beauty. And I desperately want to contribute to His beauty (aka GLORY) being made known here.

ptl.

I find myself feeling sympathy for the people in Jeremiah. The Lord is about to pour out His wrath and destroy them because they have created and worshipped other idols. They have listened to false prophets and dream interpreters. To put it plainly, they've been stupid. And I truly find myself feeling sorry for them.

This is why...

I can relate to these people. When I put myself in their shoes I think I would have done the same thing. Lets be honest, even today I mistakenly put other things over Him. IDOLS. I'm ashamed. It's hard not to. The world is telling us so many things. I'm a stupid wanderer just like the people in Jeremiah.

And then I think that maybe my view of God is off. I mean, shouldn't I be on His side? Shouldn't I want these evil people to be destroyed for putting THE perfect, sovereign, beautiful God on the backburner? These people deserve His wrath. They don't deserve to live. But do I really believe that? Because if I do, then I don't deserve to live.

And thats just it.

I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE. I am not worthy. I continually mess up. Day after day. But, praise God! I live in a time in which He loves me because of the sacrifice of His son. I am grateful for a God who is full of mercy. But, I pray that my view of Him is that HE IS TO BE FEARED. He is jealous. He is worthy of all my affection. He is all deserving.

I am not.

round two. haiti.

Oh wow. Where to begin...
Haiti.
Oh Haiti.
After 5 months of waiting/dying/needing to go back, it has come and it has gone. And what do I have to say about it? Well, here we go...

THEN YOU WILL LOOK AND BE RADIANT, YOUR HEART WILL THROB AND SWELL WITH JOY...
Isaiah 60:5

These words describe the way I felt the second I stepped into Haiti for the 2nd time. I literally felt like joy and happiness were exploding out of me. I felt full of LIFE. Passion. Purpose. JOY. Just like last time I was there, I was reminded that this is how God intended us to live. Loving, serving, seeking, and living in community. When you are in His will, the result is pure joy. And thats what all week was about.

God is doing something BIG. I don't really know how to put any of this into words (story of my life) but let's see...
Some of you may know of a dream I have, if not I'd love to talk about it. But basically my passions in life are 3rd worlds, orphans, and injustice. One day I'd love to see a community in a country (such as Haiti) that is complete with an orphanage, school, hospital, church, teachers, doctors, nurses, PT's, OT's, speech pathologists, dentists, etc. It's a big dream. It has been in my mind/on my heart for about 4 months now and I pray about this pretty consistently. Well, needless to say, there are no plans for any of this, but I have this feeling that God's up to something. I can tell. He's putting people in my path with the same dreams. He's changing my heart. It's like I zoom out on this life of mine, and there is so much ahead of me that I can't see but I see all these random pathways, all starting to meet and make connections. It doesn't really make sense and there is so much uncertainty, but there's not at the same time. I have no plans yet but I know He's got it. He gave me small glimpses of His provision and His hand at work this week. The future makes me excited. He's got something brewing.

He's changing my heart. It's crazy. I always say I want to live in a third world country, but when it comes down to it, i know it would be HARD. My biggest fear is that I would get sucked into living a nice comfortable/complacent life here. And thats because I know that would be easy for me. I mean lets be honest, I've grown up in nice conditions. Comfy beds, nice houses, vacations, good food, shopping, etc. I really used to find joy in those things, or I thought I did. And lately, when I go on a vacation that in the past would have been SO great, SO satisfying, and SO fun, the passion and joy is not there. A feeling of emptiness. It's so confusing. Yet, when I step foot in a dirty, bumpy, hot, mosquito infested, crumbled country, I am the happiest I could ever be. Nothing can compare to the joy that comes with 15 Haitian children hanging on me. Now, does that make ANY sense to you? It doesn't to me. But I guess the gospel doesn't really make sense either. What I'm realizing is that He is shaping and molding my heart into something that I could NEVER do myself. I feel blah in America. Get me back to Haiti already.

I love Haiti. I love the Haitian people. I love the staff at HOM that we've built such great relationships with. I see myself living there. Our team was stellar. This week was filled with constant laughter, lots of sweat, bug spray/bug bites, sore butts, sing a longs, reuniting with new friends, working hard, mortar, stones, orphans, beautiful people, tropical beach, lightening storms, sunsets, card games, little to no sleep, air mattresses, rice and beans, rooftops, visions, dreams, hidden haitians, ice pops, bottled coke, prestige, dirt, mud, sewage, new relationships, bonding, bill fudge, and best of all...Jesus.

A few pics from the week, to see all.... click here.

back to the basics.

Grad school has me constantly feeling behind. Because of that, I haven't gotten to share as much as I would like to. But, regardless of the fast-pace and busyness of life, God is doing some cool things. As mentioned in the previous post, I'm trying to figure out what it is to seek Him and find Him in the drudgery and mundane routines of everyday life. It's amazing what happens when you chase Him regardless of time contraints and busyness.
He speaks.
He leads.
He comforts.
And He never stops loving.

This is what He has been doing in me...

I have been taken back to the basics over the past week or so. He has reminded me of my purpose as I have had a tendency to become wrapped up in school, finals, and what people think of me. He has reminded me that as I am finding more and more enjoyment in OT school, and more and more comfort in the city of Birmingham that I MUST HOLD LOOSELY TO THIS LIFE. I am thankful that He has finally given me more of a love for what I am learning in school. I am thankful that He has finally allowed me to feel like I can live in the city of Birmingham without a constant feeling of guilt. But, whose to say that He won't ask me to give it all up tomorrow? Whose to say that just because I'm this far along in school, His plan could have me in a new place next month? And if He asks, will I obey? So, I have been reminded that my place is always on the knees. Always with open arms. Always with listening ears. And always ready to obey. This life's not mine, and so I better not get to comfortable.

We live among people who glorify business, wealth, careers, professionalism, etc. And even those of us who KNOW Him tend to march to the tempo of the world. I am reminded that He has called me to follow Him wholeheartedly on a different path. Time alone with Him should always be my highest priority and my deepest joy. It doesn't matter what assignment I have looming ahead, what final is around the corner, or what people think of me.
HE IS BETTER.
ALWAYS.

I don't want treasures on earth. I want treasures in heaven. I only want my head wrapped up in Him. Because, He is all that matters anyway. This world will perish. My life will perish. And will I have lived this temporary blip for His glory only? Or will I have wasted it on the petty, meaningless things that so easily pull my attention away from the CREATOR of the world, the RULER of history, the KING of all nations, and the JUDGE of all peoples? Oh, I hope not.

new season/drudgery

It's been awhile fellow readers (although I'm not really sure anyone reads this...ha). After a lot of recent processing, I have a lot I want to share.

These past couple of months have been a transition into a new season for me. I'm still having a hard time putting words to everything, but this will be an attempt...

I know without a doubt that my greatest desire is for Him and His glory to be made known. I know that I want to be a part of that. I know that I love Him. A lot.
Apart from all of that...
The "feelings" aren't there. I know, I know, feelings don't matter. But do you agree that it makes things harder without them? Here's the thing, I know His promises and I know I long for the day when He returns, but as of now, I don't have that happy-go-lucky feeling on a daily basis. And up until 2 weeks ago I thought I was missing something. I thought I was failing at loving Him. I thought i was losing my zeal and passion for Him. Now mind you, my biggest fear is losing my desire for Him and falling into a complacent/comfortable life. I'm ALWAYS scared of that becoming a reality. And I felt like it was.

I know, it's confusing... I mean how can there be no "feelings" yet, Him/His fame/His glory still be my number one priority?! But, that's where I am right now. It's a new season. Over the past year or so I have fallen deeply in love with Him in a new and beautiful way. Now that I am "in love," it is time to know Him in new depths. I want to know different aspects of Him that I've never experienced. I feel like my walk with God has been largely defined by the BIG experiences, the mountain top experiences, giving me just enough "ummph" to make it to the next experience. I've never really gotten to know Him in the ordinary/routine/mundane/everyday life. I've got to know what it looks like to seek Him and FIND Him, right here, right now.

This is where He has me. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know if I ever will, but I'm not giving up. I'm learning to continue chasing Him when nothing within me or around me is telling me to do that.

2 Peter 1:3-11
He has given me everything I need... He has shown me His power, He has changed my heart, He has literally given me everything I need for this next season of life. And because of this I must MAKE EVERY EFFORT to ADD TO MY FAITH. To form godly habits. In DRUDGERY, when there are no flashes of light and no thrill to life, but rather a daily routine with common, everyday tasks, I must learn to still live for my Savior. I cannot always expect God to speak loudly or give me adventures. My obedience to Him in the smallest details speaks so loudly. If i will learn to do this, His glory that I so badly desire will be made known. And as v.10 says, if I do these things, I will never fall and will receive a RICH welcome into the kingdom. Wow, it's all worth it, just for that.

I know that this season will not be easy. The words intentional, endurance, and drudgery come to mind, but I am expecting great things to come...

a noble theme.

My heart is stirred by a noble theme...
(Psalm 45:1)

I love this. I am constantly reminded of why I am here. When I feel like I am becoming numb or complacent, I read a verse, I hear a story of God's provision, I see glimpses of what He's doing in the nations...and I am reminded of His glory. I ask for my heart to be like His. I ask Him to give me the ability to love the way He does. I ask for more desire and dependency for Him. And it is when I ask Him for these things that I experience Him. He shows up. Always. I must seek BUT He WILL find.

I was able to take a wonderful trip to North Carolina this weekend with a couple friends. It has been a great weekend filled with gourmet food, beautiful scenery, late night movies, and sunshine. But, there is something strange about my feelings. I love being in this setting but there is something inside me that knows this isn't what my life is about, and I am ok with that. While I used to picture my future with luxurious weekends like this, now I dream of holding orphans and giving life to people who need it. Is there something wrong with me?! Ha!

I feel like God is slowly changing my heart to be more like His. He is growing my desire for the world more and more on a daily basis. It's kind of a scary feeling. It's a feeling like I don't belong here. And I know I don't. I know heaven awaits me one day. But it's also a feeling like I don't belong in this western world. A feeling that I know one day soon He will place me somewhere else. Who knows? It's just a feeling. And I'm ok with it.

What I love is that...
My heart is being stirred by a NOBLE theme.

trusting.

It all comes down to me not trusting. I am scared of starting another semester. I am absolutely dreading it. There are classes this summer semester that I feel like I may never really need. And the thought of having to write more papers, do more research, and give more presentations literally makes me want to cry. I don't want to do it. I am almost convinced to drop out now.

I just had a conversation with my mom about grad school. There were tears. To most people, being in grad school equals knowing without a doubt what you want to do. Nope. Not for me. I have no idea when/if I'll use OT. I can't see my future. What I do know is that if I wasn't supposed to be here, He would have opened another door, leading me somewhere else. Several of my friends are in that inconsistent stage of life. They can't see where it is God is taking them but they are learning to wait on Him and trust Him in radical ways. Although I am in school, which seems consistent and points me in a specific direction, I feel like in a way I am in the same stage. Tonight I am reminded yet again to TRUST. Why am I doubting that I can't get through another semester? I am doubting myself which is really me doubting the One who is doing this all anyway. I have to TRUST. When I am struggling with school, feeling small and incapable, I have to be confident that He is the one doing this. HIM, not me. Katy, it's never you. It's always Him. I am entering this semester hesitant yet clinging and depending, and trying so hard to trust Him completely. He will do this and my prayer is that I will find joy in it all.

guilt.

The past couple weeks have been my "summer." From Auburn to Kentucky, and Nashville to Rosemary Beach, I've realized what it feels like to be free again. Free from obligations, studying, etc. But sadly, the break ends tomorrow.

I cannot express how great these 2 weeks were BUT I've decided I have a problem. I don't know how to live here anymore. Whether it be America, or just western countries in general, it's hard. These 2 weeks were spent for my relaxation and enjoyment. And I think that's where the problem lies. ME. These 2 weeks were about me.

I can't seem to do anything these days without a sense of guilt. You see, my life is not MINE anymore. I don't want it to be. I want this life to be spent blessing others. I want nations and people to know Him and His glory. I am here to proclaim His name. I praise God that I have had the experiences I've had, and have been given the opportunity to sit under amazing leaders pointing me to a RADICAL faith. But because of this, I don't know how to live here. Seriously. I can't buy anything without my head automatically reminding me of the great needs around the world. I feel guilty on a daily basis. I buy a shirt, I feel terrible. I treat myself to a meal, I feel selfish. I lay on the beach for a few days, I feel self-consumed. Literally, everything I do that is not "kingdom-work," I experience some feeling associated with guilt.

I know that God is not a fan of guilt. But, what do I do? I can't ignore these feelings. Everyday I battle with the way to live here. I live in a western culture, so does that mean its ok to buy a cute dress? I have a 2 week break, is it ok to lay on the beach, soaking in His beautiful creation? All of these are MY desires. What about His? Does He want me to relax and enjoy life? There are millions of people that don't know Him. There are starving orphans, struggling widows, etc. I don't know what to do with these thoughts/questions and I don't know if I'll ever know. A question I continually ask myself is, 'Katy, what does is look like to depend on Him in a country where it seems like I don't really need Him?' It's a constant struggle of mine.

I REALLY want to bring Him glory and fame above everything else. But, in this western world I live in, I feel like I am constantly failing and constantly letting Him down.

136th kentucky derby.

A dream of mine came true this weekend. Anyone who follows me on twitter is probably sick of me talking about the Kentucky Derby, but I can't help it. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed about going to Churchill Downs, wearing my hat and my sundress, and watching those red roses drapped over the winner's shoulders. I read books and books, always so intrigued by the world of horse racing, always wanting to be the exercise rider, or the owner, and knowing I could never be the jockey. When the 1st Saturday in May roles around, you better believe I am glued to that tv for HOURS. Listening to the stories of the favorites, the underdogs, the unlikely owners, and the hard work it takes to make it there. There's no feeling quite like watching them load in the starting gate, seeing those horses turn down the back stretch, and yelling as the winner crosses the finish line with that fist in the air. Lifelong dreams of the owners, trainers, jockeys, grooms, exercise riders and everyone connected to the horse finally come true. The names of the trainers and jockeys bring a sense of familiarity as year after year I watch them enter new horses to run in the Derby. I love every bit of it. I hate when its over, making me wait yet another year.

And to actually BE THERE this year...

A dream fulfilled. To smell the cigars, drink mint juleps, wear the hat and the dress, bet on horses, see those twin spires, and basically touch the track that so many lengendary horses have run on was just as great as I thought it would be. It's "the most exciting two minutes in sports." But, it was so much more than that. From the culture/atmosphere to the rich tradition, it's one of the greatest sporting events in the world. Yes, maybe I am a little "horse-crazy," but I know that anyone could appreciate the beauty of the Kentucky Derby. I needed to go. I needed to know what this quote by Steinbeck meant..."The Kentucky Derby, whatever it is--a race, an emotion, a turbulence, an explosion--is one of the most beautiful and violent and satisfying things I have ever experienced."

I understand that now. I love Kentucky. I love Bardstown Road. This year I may have been an in-fielder, but next time I'll be in those grand stands. As you see, I could go on and on but I will end with a paragraph I read tonight that so accurately explains my feelings of this weekend.

I walked away today with empty pockets, but it didn't matter. Seeing Calvin Borel stand in his stirrups after the wire, crop held high in salute to the moment, all I could feel was euphoria for the horse, the jockey, the trainer and owner, the women at Kroger who stitched the rose blanket, the mass of humanity who stood and sang "My Old Kentucky Home," the balloon handlers in the Pegasus Parade, the waitress at Wagner's who called me "honey," and the child who stroked the nose of the statue of Big Brown. I have never felt so much a part of a spectator sport. For this I have to thank the entire city of Louisville. I have never seen so much community effort surrounding an event. I have never felt this much warmth and comradeship with strangers. Perhaps it rests in childhood fantasy, but how often does something live up to your world of make-believe?
-Sheri Seggerman

balance.

I'm an American Idol fan. Always have been. Maybe its a waste of my time but I can't help it. What I'm getting at here is that last night was their annual "Idol Gives Back" show. They really are doing some great great things. As they showed story after story of injustices all across the world, I was in tears. I know, surprise surprise. But here's the thing... although I was in Haiti a little over a month ago, I feel so far removed from the starving, the orphans, the widows, the brokenhearted, etc. I am finally feeling contentment in where God has me now. Whereas usually I feel like these beautiful people and the numerous amount of need is in the forefront of my brain, the past few weeks I feel like I have removed myself. So, here's where I'm confused. When the need and injustices are the only thing I can think about, I am not HERE. I'm not content. I'm not happy. All I want is to be there. Holding a precious child in my arms. I want to quit school and move immediately.

Where is the balance?

Is there a balance?

I don't want a day to pass where I forget the needs in the world around me. But at the same time, I know I am called here. I am called to be content where He has placed me. And if you have read any of this blog you know that I have battled with that continually.

There is SUCH a fine line between contentment and complacency. I don't want to remove myself. I don't want complacency. I want contentment. I want a heart that beats for the world. I want to be like Jesus.