dwelling place.

Tonight I am overwhelmed by a couple things...

One, He dwells inside of me.

Two, the Peace that comes with that.

These 2 things are something that I know, that I've learned about all my life, and experienced more than I can count. But, today both of them have hit me and I am reminded again just how much I love Him.

Do I grasp that fact that He dwells inside of me??? I mean thats a big deal. We possess His presence. My body is His temple. I've heard that my whole life. I know it. But to realize what He has entrusted to us. The wonder of this fact is CRAZY to me. Do I take this seriously? We have the flippin Spirit inside of us. He is holy. And so should we be. In Leviticus God says, "Be holy, because I am holy" (11:44 and again in 1 Peter 1:16). I pray that the seriousness of this will continue sinking in, deeper and deeper. "...Christ in you, the hope of glory." (Colossians 1:27).

Today, Tori (one of my fellow OT classmates and close friends) and I spent a few minutes before class praying for our trip to Haiti (YES! WE ARE GOING! Tickets are booked, its really happening...March 13th-20th). As we left the high stress class room to take a walk around campus soaking this trip in prayer, I was overwhelmed with His peace. Being in a classroom environment where I feel like I'm drowning in schoolwork can give me a little bit of anxiety. But to stop. And pray. And realize that He is the only one that matters. An overwhelming sense of PEACE and thankfulness flooded my heart. I KNOW Him and LOVE Him, but what's even better is that He loves me back. I just want people to know that simple but amazing truth. I want people to experience His presence and His peace. He is so good, maybe it sounds cheesy but I just can't help it.

remembering

I know, I know, I just blogged but 1. I can't sleep and 2. There is so much on my mind.

I probably blog about the past experiences too much but I can't help it. Today, although I was forced to be consumed with school work, the world was in the back of my brain (what's new??). In particular, New Zealand. As another DTS is about the start in the quaint little town of Oxford and the staff (many of which are great friends) are preparing for this new batch of students, I long to be right back there. And of course since I can't be there my thoughts are on the many memories I have there. Almost an exact year has passed since I left. Emrie (one of my closest friends who I had the pleasure of also going on my outreach with) blogged today and she literally put words in my mouth. Today my thoughts are her thoughts so I figured I'd just copy them...

Sometimes the past year of my life seems very surreal. So much happened. I saw so many new things, met so many new people, walked on new turf, found myself in a whole new spirituality, began to live a whole new way. It all took place in the matter of months so I am still, to this day, processing what all went down to get me where I am now.
Depending on the day, I am either flooded with memories of where I have been and what I have done or don’t even consider that it at all happened...

I think it is great to remember. I need to remember who I am, where I have been, who I have met, what I have seen, what God has done for me, DAILY. I have to remember all of this because in forgetting, I lose sight of who God is.
So today I am reminding myself YES I did study the Bible in New Zealand for 3 months, yes I spent one week tramping the South Island on foot with one sandwich, twenty dollars and two others in the name of Jesus and His provision, yes I played with orphaned children in Bali, yes I gave my testimony to a bunch of Taiwanese Senior Citizens, yes I went from door to door in rural Cambodia proclaiming the way of Jesus to Buddhist families, yes I looked prostitutes in the eyes and told them that they are loved by a God so much bigger than all of the mess they are stuck in, yes I got to walk where Jesus walked and see, firsthand, the history of the Bible in Israel. All of that was just the beginning, now I see that. God grabbed my heart and opened my eyes to a new way and I can’t deny it any longer. I have to live every day remembering what he has done for me so that I can continue to walk in that light.

Tonight all of these memories are flooding my head. My heart literally hurts. Will I ever go back to Oxford? Will I get to see my brothers and sisters that I shared so much life with again? It's hard. But like Emrie said, it is SO good to remember. To look back on His faithfulness and all that He taught me. Those 6 months shaped the way I will live for the rest of my life. I don't ever want to forget. Can we just hit the "rewind" button?

exodus and my pride.

I could write pages on the book of Exodus. I've been reading through it this past week and WOW. Job was a hard one to get through but Exodus is another story. All I can say is I love Moses. I love the way God promises redemption to Israel. I love that I can actually picture these places in my head. I love how God chose Moses to deliver His people. I love Yahweh and all the characteristics of Him. I love that He is the same God who spoke to Moses on that mountain. I love that He does NOT need us yet desires for us to be a part of His mission. I love that his glory and beauty NEVER fade. I love that He has saught after me. That He has adopted me. I love that His plans and purposes are ALWAYS accomplished. That unlike the people of the Old Testament, we see Him and know Him! I love that He enabled His people to escape His wrath by providing a spotless lamb. I love that today the importance of Blood took on a whole new meaning. The blood of a spotless lamb, and later the blood of Christ. The blood of the lamb of God saves the children of God. I love that He is full of GRACE and MERCY and He pours that out to me daily, just because I trust Him. I love Him. What a beautiful picture of redemption Exodus is.

"When you know Yahweh, routine religion is no longer tolerable, casual worship is no longer possible, total surrender is no longer optional, and the global mission is no longer negotiable." -David Platt

On a different note...

I am a prideful person and I'm in the process of being humbled. I must be reminded daily that God is who defines me. He is the ONLY good inside of me. So, here's the deal, I want to be more like Jesus everyday. I want to get a little closer each day to looking and acting like Him. This is a journey. A journey that will take my whole life. A hard journey that I take seriously. I mean, His glory is at stake here. BUT, the problem is that I am sinful. And to be honest, it's hard not to think of myself first. It's hard not to be judgmental. It's hard to solely find my identity in Him. And it's hard not to think that He need's me to accomplish His plan. Lately I'm ashamed of myself and the pride that is in me. If He is living inside of me then these things are not acceptable. And so, He is in the process of breaking me. It's a good thing though. I deeply desire for Him to be all of me. For Him to define me. For the first time in my life I am asking Him to TRULY humble me. Less of me. More of Him. Way more. It's scary because I believe He gladly answers this prayer, but it's what I want and need in order to be more like Him. In Isaiah 66:2, the Lord says, "This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word." I want these characteristics to define me.

Dreaming...

This past week was a great week. Let's just say it was definitely a week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny. On Monday I recieved an email from someone that has been very influential in my life, especially throughout my middle and high school years, living on the other side of the world. He asked me to be part of a calling God has placed on him and his family. It is in the very beginning phases, but it is beginning to be pursued.

About 8 months ago I was asked the question:

If money was no hindrance and you knew God would say yes, what would be the biggest dream you could possibly think of?

Very fun question.

And I remember not knowing exactly but knowing that my 2 passions are the world/injustice and horses. To be able to SOMEHOW join the 2 together would be the best thing imagineable. Well, over the past year or so my calling to missions has been SO clear. Knowing that one day I will most likely live internationally, I just shove my love for horses to the back of my brain. I know that horses are not the most important thing in this world and I feel as if it would be something I would have to sacrifice. I don't like to think about it but I WILL be obedient to His calling and would not let that hold me back. BUT, at the same time, He made me with this passion. It's something unique that He has placed inside of me. So, to be able to join those 2...um, yes please.

SO, lets just say the dream that I was asked to be a part of this week is EXACTLY what I'm talking about here. The 2 joined together. Fighting injustice in a RADICAL way + horses. REALLY, God?!? I am SO excited to see where this goes. Definitely on my knees...

As the week progressed believe it or not I began wrestling with WHY I'm in grad school again. All I want to do is Isaiah 61. It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom as children are dying because of a lack of parents to provide for them. Is the world telling me I must have an education to serve well and love well? OR has God placed me here? I don't feel like I need a master's program to teach me how to love and how to be His hands and feet. Isn't Him living inside of me ENOUGH? People are crying out for help. Orphans need homes, shelters, and mothers who will love them and take them in. I need to go NOW. And in this moment of wrestling with Him, this is what He said to me...

'Katy, I am counting on you to help my children that people don't know how to help, the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them. Learn how to do this and on top of My love inside of you, you will also have these skills. Until then, pray. I will be preparing something huge for you my daughter. Trust me. Hold My hand and learn these unique skills for my abandoned children, my children no one knows how to care for. And, as you learn these skills I will be orchestrating the details that so many lives will get to be a part of. For now, fix your gaze on Me. I am the center and through Me alone, you can accomplish great things for my kingdom. Persevere.'

It's been a good week. I'm still dreaming, more than ever. I am excited about how He will use me. I am humbled that He picks me. And I am praying...

Joseph.

So, lets talk about Jospeh. Joseph the favorite son, the hated brother, the slave, the pure servant, the prisoner, and the leader over all the land. I am blown away by his story in Genesis 37 to 50. Where to even begin with all I have learned from him...

I love how clearly this story portrays the providence of God. He is always there but sometimes He is very subtle. Throughout most of Genesis, God's role in Isaac and Abraham's lives is seemingly loud. Whereas, in Jospeh's life, God almost seems silent. He does not speak and walk (physically) with Joseph, yet Joseph is so faithful and so dedicated. How encouraging is that?

The story of Joseph portrays so clearly that THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED. As humans we are responsible for decisions but God's will CANNOT be stopped. He intends for things to happen. Yes, I have a responsibility to be obedient and make choices but even if my family sells me, I am put in prison, forgotten about, or in the middle of a great famine, His will WILL be done. I love being reminded that His purpose is not dependent on people or deterred by people. He is NEVER surprised. His will is NEVER thwarted. As Platt says, 'God has this thing rigged!' Praise God. May I grasp the fact that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. Trust and obey... that's what it's all about.

Another portrayal of God's will not being thwarted is that fact that Jospeh goes through (excuse my language) hell. He is sold, accused, thrown into prison. But, guess what? God takes the evil and turns it into good. He takes suffering and turns it into satisfaction. Comforting isn't it? No matter how hard life gets, how miserable I am, how dark it seems, I know that He turns evil into good. And just another way God shows us in the story of Joseph that His plan is NEVER thwarted.

"...for MY power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 19:9)

Ok, one more thing...

The same God who was with Joseph, who took him from slave to king, is the same God who is with me. He does not overlook details but He ORCHESTRATES them. One thing that has really convicted me this week and has for years is, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. Yes, He cares deeply for me. But, as He is orchestrating circumstances in my life, He is also working in a variety of people for a variety of goals. The answer to, 'God what are you doing in my life?' may be what He's doing in someone else's life. How silly it is for me to think that I am the only one that matters. This life is a beautiful picture of God's sovereignty, providence, and grace working in the lives of MANY for ONE purpose. He is the great orchestrator. And again, 'He has this thing rigged.'

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)

I mean you talk about someone whose gaze was locked on God. NOTHING distracted Joseph. May Joseph's life point me to my King. May I find comfort in God's great sovereignty. I hope and pray that these truths will be lodged inside of me...

Just BE.

Lately, I am realizing a huge way the enemy is trying to make his evil little way into my life. I have had a constant feeling of being overwhelmed. Not with school, not with life, but in my walk with God. Satan is trying to take something that is so good and manipulate it into something bad. It's not an issue with not desiring God, or not desiring time with God. I deeply desire time with Him, and thats where I'm becoming overwhelmed. I get this feeling of failure, because the desires I do have to be with Him are so overwhelming. Does that make sense? There are SO many things I want to do, and not because I feel like I have to, but because I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory. But, I think since there is so much, I feel like I can never get it accomplished. And so the days continually go by, and I continually can't do it all. Having assigned daily readings is great, but so time consuming. I want more time in the day to pray. To pray for friends, for specific countries, ministries, and time to hear from Him. I want to journal. I want to listen to podcasts and read books. I want to serve. All of these things are me desperately wanting more of Him, but all of these things are also causing the enemy to get a foothold. Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed in walking out His will. I am remembering that being hungry for more of Him is a good thing, but I can not allow it to make me feel like a failure. Something I remember learning several months ago is, we are not human DO-ings, rather, we are human BE-ings. I must learn to just BE. His love is consistent. He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do. He continually pours out His mercy on me. I do not deserve Him. But He has counted me as worthy. I think I need to dwell on that...

i will rise (haiti).

I should be asleep. But I can't. Haiti is on my heart. Has been all day. This horrible tradegy brings up questions. It brings brokenness and sadness. And it has brought many tears. The country and people of Haiti are all I can think about. I'll never understand WHY things like this happen, it just doesn't make sense. But, I do know that He IS THERE.

Today has been a day of hearing His voice SO very clearly. Last night, I was crying out to Him, fighting for Him and needing to feel Him fighting for me. The words "I will rise when You call my name" kept entering my head. I didn't know why. They didn't seem to be the words I needed to hear at the time. I went to sleep last night telling God that I needed to hear Him, I needed to see how He is near to me, I needed to experience Him. I woke up this morning and immediately began looking at pictures from the crisis in Haiti. Again, I was broken and tears were burning my eyes. Knowing it may be irrational (since I am in school) I began looking up plane tickets. What would it mean to just go. No questions. Just go. To an area of GREAT need. What would it look like for Christians all over the country to RISE UP, drop everything, and go? There are many more details that I will spare you, but over the course of the day I heard the Lord speaking so clearly. A very affordable plane ticket was found for 10 days that I have off in March. God is asking me to obey Him. To RISE WHEN HE CALLS MY NAME. Although I have no idea the who, what, and where details I KNOW that if I do not go I am being disobedient. I KNOW that He is asking me to trust Him, to step out and watch His hand work. I know that the cost of discipleship demands radical obedience, sacrifice, and love (Luke 14:25-35). I KNOW I am going to Haiti. Want to join me?