Dreaming...

This past week was a great week. Let's just say it was definitely a week of dreams, visions, calling, and destiny. On Monday I recieved an email from someone that has been very influential in my life, especially throughout my middle and high school years, living on the other side of the world. He asked me to be part of a calling God has placed on him and his family. It is in the very beginning phases, but it is beginning to be pursued.

About 8 months ago I was asked the question:

If money was no hindrance and you knew God would say yes, what would be the biggest dream you could possibly think of?

Very fun question.

And I remember not knowing exactly but knowing that my 2 passions are the world/injustice and horses. To be able to SOMEHOW join the 2 together would be the best thing imagineable. Well, over the past year or so my calling to missions has been SO clear. Knowing that one day I will most likely live internationally, I just shove my love for horses to the back of my brain. I know that horses are not the most important thing in this world and I feel as if it would be something I would have to sacrifice. I don't like to think about it but I WILL be obedient to His calling and would not let that hold me back. BUT, at the same time, He made me with this passion. It's something unique that He has placed inside of me. So, to be able to join those 2...um, yes please.

SO, lets just say the dream that I was asked to be a part of this week is EXACTLY what I'm talking about here. The 2 joined together. Fighting injustice in a RADICAL way + horses. REALLY, God?!? I am SO excited to see where this goes. Definitely on my knees...

As the week progressed believe it or not I began wrestling with WHY I'm in grad school again. All I want to do is Isaiah 61. It makes no sense to me that I am sitting in a classroom as children are dying because of a lack of parents to provide for them. Is the world telling me I must have an education to serve well and love well? OR has God placed me here? I don't feel like I need a master's program to teach me how to love and how to be His hands and feet. Isn't Him living inside of me ENOUGH? People are crying out for help. Orphans need homes, shelters, and mothers who will love them and take them in. I need to go NOW. And in this moment of wrestling with Him, this is what He said to me...

'Katy, I am counting on you to help my children that people don't know how to help, the disabled ones, the difficult ones. I am calling you to them. Learn how to do this and on top of My love inside of you, you will also have these skills. Until then, pray. I will be preparing something huge for you my daughter. Trust me. Hold My hand and learn these unique skills for my abandoned children, my children no one knows how to care for. And, as you learn these skills I will be orchestrating the details that so many lives will get to be a part of. For now, fix your gaze on Me. I am the center and through Me alone, you can accomplish great things for my kingdom. Persevere.'

It's been a good week. I'm still dreaming, more than ever. I am excited about how He will use me. I am humbled that He picks me. And I am praying...

Joseph.

So, lets talk about Jospeh. Joseph the favorite son, the hated brother, the slave, the pure servant, the prisoner, and the leader over all the land. I am blown away by his story in Genesis 37 to 50. Where to even begin with all I have learned from him...

I love how clearly this story portrays the providence of God. He is always there but sometimes He is very subtle. Throughout most of Genesis, God's role in Isaac and Abraham's lives is seemingly loud. Whereas, in Jospeh's life, God almost seems silent. He does not speak and walk (physically) with Joseph, yet Joseph is so faithful and so dedicated. How encouraging is that?

The story of Joseph portrays so clearly that THE WILL OF GOD CANNOT BE THWARTED. As humans we are responsible for decisions but God's will CANNOT be stopped. He intends for things to happen. Yes, I have a responsibility to be obedient and make choices but even if my family sells me, I am put in prison, forgotten about, or in the middle of a great famine, His will WILL be done. I love being reminded that His purpose is not dependent on people or deterred by people. He is NEVER surprised. His will is NEVER thwarted. As Platt says, 'God has this thing rigged!' Praise God. May I grasp the fact that GOD IS SOVEREIGN. Trust and obey... that's what it's all about.

Another portrayal of God's will not being thwarted is that fact that Jospeh goes through (excuse my language) hell. He is sold, accused, thrown into prison. But, guess what? God takes the evil and turns it into good. He takes suffering and turns it into satisfaction. Comforting isn't it? No matter how hard life gets, how miserable I am, how dark it seems, I know that He turns evil into good. And just another way God shows us in the story of Joseph that His plan is NEVER thwarted.

"...for MY power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 19:9)

Ok, one more thing...

The same God who was with Joseph, who took him from slave to king, is the same God who is with me. He does not overlook details but He ORCHESTRATES them. One thing that has really convicted me this week and has for years is, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. Yes, He cares deeply for me. But, as He is orchestrating circumstances in my life, He is also working in a variety of people for a variety of goals. The answer to, 'God what are you doing in my life?' may be what He's doing in someone else's life. How silly it is for me to think that I am the only one that matters. This life is a beautiful picture of God's sovereignty, providence, and grace working in the lives of MANY for ONE purpose. He is the great orchestrator. And again, 'He has this thing rigged.'

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." (Genesis 50:20)

I mean you talk about someone whose gaze was locked on God. NOTHING distracted Joseph. May Joseph's life point me to my King. May I find comfort in God's great sovereignty. I hope and pray that these truths will be lodged inside of me...

Just BE.

Lately, I am realizing a huge way the enemy is trying to make his evil little way into my life. I have had a constant feeling of being overwhelmed. Not with school, not with life, but in my walk with God. Satan is trying to take something that is so good and manipulate it into something bad. It's not an issue with not desiring God, or not desiring time with God. I deeply desire time with Him, and thats where I'm becoming overwhelmed. I get this feeling of failure, because the desires I do have to be with Him are so overwhelming. Does that make sense? There are SO many things I want to do, and not because I feel like I have to, but because I desperately want to love Him the best, serve Him the best, and bring Him glory. But, I think since there is so much, I feel like I can never get it accomplished. And so the days continually go by, and I continually can't do it all. Having assigned daily readings is great, but so time consuming. I want more time in the day to pray. To pray for friends, for specific countries, ministries, and time to hear from Him. I want to journal. I want to listen to podcasts and read books. I want to serve. All of these things are me desperately wanting more of Him, but all of these things are also causing the enemy to get a foothold. Rather than feeling His infinite love and grace enveloping me, I feel like a disappointment, like I have somehow failed in walking out His will. I am remembering that being hungry for more of Him is a good thing, but I can not allow it to make me feel like a failure. Something I remember learning several months ago is, we are not human DO-ings, rather, we are human BE-ings. I must learn to just BE. His love is consistent. He loves me the same no matter what I do, or don't do. He continually pours out His mercy on me. I do not deserve Him. But He has counted me as worthy. I think I need to dwell on that...

i will rise (haiti).

I should be asleep. But I can't. Haiti is on my heart. Has been all day. This horrible tradegy brings up questions. It brings brokenness and sadness. And it has brought many tears. The country and people of Haiti are all I can think about. I'll never understand WHY things like this happen, it just doesn't make sense. But, I do know that He IS THERE.

Today has been a day of hearing His voice SO very clearly. Last night, I was crying out to Him, fighting for Him and needing to feel Him fighting for me. The words "I will rise when You call my name" kept entering my head. I didn't know why. They didn't seem to be the words I needed to hear at the time. I went to sleep last night telling God that I needed to hear Him, I needed to see how He is near to me, I needed to experience Him. I woke up this morning and immediately began looking at pictures from the crisis in Haiti. Again, I was broken and tears were burning my eyes. Knowing it may be irrational (since I am in school) I began looking up plane tickets. What would it mean to just go. No questions. Just go. To an area of GREAT need. What would it look like for Christians all over the country to RISE UP, drop everything, and go? There are many more details that I will spare you, but over the course of the day I heard the Lord speaking so clearly. A very affordable plane ticket was found for 10 days that I have off in March. God is asking me to obey Him. To RISE WHEN HE CALLS MY NAME. Although I have no idea the who, what, and where details I KNOW that if I do not go I am being disobedient. I KNOW that He is asking me to trust Him, to step out and watch His hand work. I know that the cost of discipleship demands radical obedience, sacrifice, and love (Luke 14:25-35). I KNOW I am going to Haiti. Want to join me?

mouthful part II.

(previous blog continued)...

Passion2010. Passsion was great. It is always very well done. Although everything about it is big (leaders, worship, lights, numbers, etc.), the focus is always on Jesus and the heart behind it is His. In the past, Passion has been an "oh. my. gosh. this is the most incredible thing everrrr" few days. I entered these few days expecting the same feeling but what I realized was that I do not need all of the "big stuff" to experience Him anymore. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED it. But, it was cool to see the consistency that has developed in my walk with the Lord. Now, I can hear Him and experience Him in a quiet room, or I can feel His presence as I'm walking to class. It doesn't take the worship leaders, speakers, and 22,000 other college students to get me 'fired up.' Experiencing worship with 22,000 people is a beautiful thing. To me it is a small glimpse of heaven. Corporate worship is one of my most favorite things. But, I have learned that I can give Him the same amount of praise when I am alone. It's a good place to be. To be dependent on ONLY Him. To be consistent. To be very much in LOVE with Him. To feel unshakeable. To be clinging to Him. And to be passionate about Him. So, Passion2010 was a good few days to hear some great speakers and worship Him corporately, but it's cool to see the growth I have experienced as I look back on the past conferences I've been apart of. $600,000 was given for several causes over the few days. That was one of my favorite parts about it all. Check all that out here... http://268generation.com/blog/2010/01/together-we-are-a-force-for-good/.

School. It has begun. And whats new?? It's hard. It's not where I want to be. I am questioning yet again. All I can think about is injustice. The world. I doubt so much. I know that I am here for a greater purpose. I always doubt if there is where He wants me. I also doubt if I will ever have the skills I need to fulfill His purpose. I feel like I could never be prepared for where He will place me. But, I am reminded that it is not me anyway, it's Him, using me to reach His people. So, with Him, I can do anything. May He ALWAYS remind me that it is NEVER by my strength, but always by His.

I was listening to a David Crowder song yesterday and these lyrics struck me. It seems like this is the Lord speaking to me as I struggle and doubt that He is equipping me for something great.

O please do stay
Where you remain
Do not fall
Do not fall
Something greater
Is on the way
Just hang on
Try to hang on
Try to hang on

a mouthful.

There is a lot I want to talk about.

One being the year of 2009.

Two being the year of 2010.

Three being Passion2010 (268generation.com)

And four being the start of semester number 2.

2009. A good year. The best year I've ever had. It's been different. It has over exceeded all expectations and there is NO WAY I could possibly give it justice. I saw the world. I experienced amazing community. From a unique groups of friends in Auburn, to the most beautiful country in the world (New Zealand), around SE Asia (Indonesa, Taiwan, Cambodia, Thailand), to God's chosen Land (Israel), and then to Birmingham, where my journey of "equipping" has begun. I have learned more than I thought possible. About people, cultures, countries, love, obedience, prayer, encouragement, fighting, living simply, being radical, the demands of the gospel, mercy, compassion, injustice, justice, homelessness, trust, missions, contentness, holy anguish, OT, oh the list could go on and on. This has been a year of confidence, a year of calling, a year of trusting, a year of depending, a year of laying down, a year of falling in love with my King. Of knowing that I. Cannot. Do. It. but... He. Can. Like I said, these few words can not come close to what He has done in me this year. But I'll stop here for your sake.

2010. It's hard for me to enter this year thinking that 2010 will not be able to touch 2009. I am in Birmingham. All year. Sitting in a classroom. All year. Feeling somewhat trapped. All year. Pessimistic? Yes. BUT what I do know and am believing is that He can do SO much in me. I am trusting Him for great things. This WILL BE a good year. I will fight for it. I will fight for Him. I have got to trust that my obedience will lead to blessing. I have made a list of goals/resolutions, whatever you want to call them. I am blessed to be a part of such a great community that has helped shape some of my goals for this new year. My church is beginning a journey together that has been named 'the radical experiment' (www.radicalexperiment.org). I will not bore you with an entire list of 2010 goals. But a few things that I want to accomplish this year are...

-praying for the entire world. (operationworld.org)

-reading through the entire Bible (I am embarrassed to say that I have never read the complete Bible. It is time. Way past time).

-sacrifice.

-give/serve in another context.

-invest/build relationships with the international community here.

-serve/love the homeless.

to be continued...