I am going to attempt to put words on the week and how I am feeling now although I'm pretty sure its impossible. Where do I begin?
I think everyone knows that I LOVED HAITI. I am being serious when I say I could live there. I mean who knows? But, I am willing.
What did God teach me in Haiti? Well, all week I was trying to figure this out and the conclusion I came to was that this week was a picture of what we are called to on a day to day basis. Life was just lived. The way we are called to live. Does that make sense?
Loving the poor, the weak, the orphans, etc.
Living in community.
Asking the Spirit to guide us.
Praying for others.
Being exhausted at the end of the day from pouring out everything.
Filled with a constant joy.
To me all these are what life is about. It's the gospel. And this is what brings me the most happiness. This is when I see purpose and feel purposeful. I think this is where I bring Him the most glory. The glory He deserves. This is where I feel His presence the most. This is what I want my life to look like on a daily basis.
And surprise surprise, I am struggling with the idea of school again. How can I sit in a classroom? I am frustrated. Finally after 8 months of freaking out on almost a daily basis I had reached a point of being OK with where I am in life. But then He sent me to Haiti. Knowing my heart. Knowing how I would feel when I returned. And I am starting all over again. Does He want me to be content in Birmingham? I know that following Him is costly. Sometimes we must suffer for Christ and following Him does not entail being "comfortable." And although I am not physically uncomfortable in Birmingham (i.e. I have a comfortable bed, A/C, a heater, clothes, a car, good food, etc.), I am spiritually uncomfortable here. I am most passionate and in my "element" in third world countries. A class room just doesn't feel right to me. But, if He has called me here I have to remind myself that I denied myself a long time ago, it doesn't matter what I want. And as crazy as this sounds, I am the most uncomfortable in Birmingham, AL. Maybe its what He wants...
Today I woke up wanting to cry. I want to be in Haiti. My heart literally hurts. I don't want to be here. But, as I spent some time seeking Him this is what I heard...
I know your desires.
I know your heart.
I know your passions.
I know what you are good at.
I know what I am doing.
And so, I cannot doubt Him. He holds my life in His hands. I have no reason to fear. He knows my concerns. It is all in His hands. He keeps me. He holds me. He loves me. And He fights for me. Yes, in allowing me to go to Haiti He has confirmed my love even more for the world, but I have to trust Him. I am clinging to Him, its all I can do.