hungry

So, as I sit here I'm kind of at a loss of words.  I don't really know why.  I can't put my finger on anything.  It's like I'm in a "funk" or something.  Like I said previously, Taiwan has been good, extremely busy, but good.  Doing 100 programs a day isn't my idea of fun ministry but, even though I can't see the fruit now, I know God has worked through us.  I am overwhelmed at the amount of people we have been able to share the gospel with.  God has taught me that I must continually lay down my life and rights.  It doesn't matter that my "heart" isn't really interested in going into schools constantly or that I'm tired.  It doesn't matter that I miss friends, the comfort of America, and that I want freedom to do what I want when I want.  What matters is that people hear the gospel and that God's glory is revealed above everything.  The thing is, I know that when I am thinking about myself something is off in my relationship with Him.  So, why am I so selfish?  I've been getting overwhelmed when I think that I still have 2 months left.  BUT, then again I know when I get home I'm going to want to be right back here again.  I'm going to miss traveling and having such a purpose.  So, why is it so hard to be content?  Why am I constantly thinking ahead?

I think it's because I just want to see God move in MIGHTY ways.  I want to experience my authority in Him.  I want to use the gifts He has given me to reach people.  I want to build relationships and love on people who need it.  Yes, we've done this in certain ways, but it's just not the ways I expected.  I don't want the hunger and passion to see the world completely changed to ever fade away.  And again, I know it is being changed, it's just hard to see sometimes.  

One thing I am reminded of during this weird mood I've been in the past few days is that I have said that I am willing to obey.  With obedience comes suffering.  There is a cost to living for Him.  Two months ago I was more than willing to suffer for His sake.  That was when everything was easy.  Now that it's hard and I am getting worn out, will I persevere?  I don't have it all together (and to be honest, I probably never will), but I will continue fighting for this.  Although I feel like I am disappointing Him with my attitude, I'm not.  He wants all of me but nothing I do makes Him love me less.  That's the beautiful picture of who my God is.  That's why I do this.  That's why I love Him.  That's why I will fight.  

I have to completely depend on God.  I'm not there yet.  I want to be.  I want to be changed.  I want to grow.  I want to be content right where I am.  I am clinging to the fact that when I give my life away I am not losing it, I'm gaining an inheritance greater than my mind can comprehend.  As I am struggling with all these thoughts I am reminded of the verse in Philippians that says, "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."  I have to be confident in that fact that He is working in me and will continue working in me.  His work in me is only beginning.  It will not end until I am praising Jesus in heaven.  Amen.

This morning as we were worshiping I was really blown away by the truth in the words of the following song:

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy.

I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.

And so I wait for You.  So I wait for you.

I am falling on my knees offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary but I know your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You.  So I wait for You.

I am falling on my knees offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

I am clinging to these words today...