wait

Here is my heart:

A couple of days ago I was walking home from town trying to process somethings.  I realized that I'm frustrated.  I am desperate for more of Him.  More of His power.  More of His love.  I know there is more and I feel like I'm missing it.  Everyday I pray that He will give me more love and passion.  I feel like I continually reach and reach and there is a wall.  I am reminded that I don't need to dig.  He will reveal to me what it is that's hindering our relationship.  BUT, why hasn't He??? By all means, I KNOW I'm NOT perfect.  I know there is crap in my life that needs to go.  Am I putting Him in a box? Why am I not experiencing His power?  WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?

BUT...

Then I heard Him.  I HEARD Him.  And what He said was to REST in Him.  That He loves me.  That His hands are molding and shaping me everyday.  That He is proud of me and I am exactly where He wants.  He said to WAIT and REST in Him.  I must trust Him in the waiting.

So, I was excited for a few minutes...HE SPOKE and I HEARD!  But, then I became frustrated again.  I'm tired of waiting! I want more more more.  I'm desperate.  I know He has to be more powerful.

Yesterday my small group went into Christchurch to meet with  a wise woman named Carolyn.  She is a woman of God.  As she was telling us her story she spoke into my life.  She reminded me that waiting is good.  Expectantly waiting.  I don't want to be lazy.  There is a line between waiting and laziness.  If I am hungry for Him, that's good!  I have to quit chasing and realize that I am His daughter who can rest/lay right in His ams.  I need to be content resting there and WAIT with EXPECTANCY.

And, when I think back on these 9 weeks He has shown up!  He has taught me MANY things.  They may be small but I was reminded that He teaches us little by little.  He very rarely gives us something HUGE.  He has been working.  I am learning and He is teaching.  Hallelujah. 

trust and obey

Obedience has been a big theme for me over the past few weeks.  As I posted previously, I want to be radically obedient.  God has revealed to me that as long as I am open and listening to His voice and OBEY Him, I will be exactly where He wants me.  Well, tonight was my first test of obedience and it was HARD.  During worship tonight I knew I needed to share with the school what has been going on in my heart.  As we worshiped and a few people spoke, my heart began pounding out of my chest.  I KNEW I needed to share but I wasn't exactly sure what AND I hate getting up in front of everyone.  It was in that moment of debating whether or not I should go to the front that the Lord said, 

Katy,  You said you will obey.  If you cannot be obedient in something as little as getting up in front of your own brothers and sisters, how in the world will you be obedient in the big stuff?

I fought it.  I didn't want to share.  But I did it.  And it was freeing.  Once He spoke I knew I couldn't ignore Him.  If I ignored this small request to be vulnerable then what makes me think I would be obedient to large requests such as where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do.  Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me this was a big step.  I feel like this was my first "test" of obedience.  I had no idea it would be so hard.  I feel like these tests will continually get tougher.   What have I gotten myself into?  I'm know there will be times when I fail.  But, I think God is going to teach me what obedience looks like one little step at a time.  A life that is completely His is what I want.  Tonight was the beginning of a HARD journey and I am thankful for it.

ruined for the ordinary

I am excited about this week.  Mark Parker is speaking on the topic of "Lordship."  He is the most passionate/all over the place speaker I've ever listened to, and I LOVE it.  I laugh constantly.  He is one of those in your face people who is not afraid of the Truth.  He's blunt and I love it.  I know I am going to learn and be challenged so much.  So, here is some stuff I'm dealing with right now...

What I'm still longing for is PASSION!  The more desperate for Him I am, the more I will see His power.  I long to see His power.   I don't know enough about Him and I long to know Him more.  When you are hungry, He will come.  We shouldn't wait to be moved to move.  The harvest is ripe but the workers are few.  He wants men and women who will ACKNOWLEDGE Him.

"Lordship" is the authority of a lord.  Who is going to be my master?  Who is going to lead my life?  Will I go anywhere for Him?  ANYWHERE?!  I love the concept of being RADICALLY OBEDIENT.  Thats what I want.  I think I really do want to go anywhere He leads me.  Scary? Yes.

A big thing I've been learning is to not go looking/digging inside of myself for sin.  I think so often we dig and dig for the "bad" that needs to come out of our lives and we become so wrapped up in this that we miss the big picture!  I should first and foremost look for Him.  Seek Him.  Know Him.  I shouldn't look inward but look desperately for God.  The Holy Spirit will reveal what sin needs to be dealt with in order that I may recieve freedom.  I must know my MASTER.  I must fix my eyes on Jesus and the rest will be dealt with. 

More to come... the Lord is revealing so much to me.  So awesome.

the holy spirit

Warning: this is about to be word vomit.

My thoughts are all over the place this week.  My eyes have been opened to many different aspects of the Holy Spirit.  I don't understand it and I know I will never fully understand it. What I do know is that the Holy Spirit lives in us from the day we become Christians.  I know people experience the Holy Spirit in different ways.  Since I have been here I have seen many  different "manifestations" of the spirit that I've never seen growing up in a conservative church/region.  I've witnessed people lose complete control of thier body, recieve uncontrollable laughter or crying, twitch, and then there were the ones like me who don't necessarily "feel" anything.  I've seen crazy/weird stuff like this on "God TV" and doubted the authenticity of it.  But I KNOW the hearts of these people.  I know what they are experiencing is real.  I know the Lord is working in thier lives.  

My question is should I seek to be in that place?  Am I missing something? I have been going back in forth between wanting to know that feeling OR just knowing thats not how I experience the Spirit.   I do know that this doesn't mean these people are "closer" to God than I am.  I know not to compare myself to other believers.  I just don't understand why His Spirit makes some people fall over and some people feel nothing.  Here's the deal...I have amazing friends and community at home.  These people love the Lord, they seek Him, they are obedient to Him, their lives are devoted to Him.  And I have NEVER seen the Spirit manifest in these crazy ways.  I know He is working in mighty ways at home. 

One more thought... What does this benefit?  Are these manifestations really benefiting the kingdom of God?  If they are bringing Him glory then I want it.   I think that if it's going to benefit Him then He will give it to me in His time.  Like I've said, I don't want to miss anything.  I am completely open to anything the Lord wants to do in my life.  I want ALL of Him. 

I just don't understand this stuff. It's all a bit strange to me.  I'm definitely not afraid of it, or even judgemental towards it.  I am just trying to find the middle ground, trying to stand on my own beliefs.  I want to test everything.  I want to be completely grounded in the Word, NOT what other people tell me to believe.  I love wrestling with it.  I have no answers yet.  Maybe they will come, maybe not.  For now I'm just going to continue seeking and pressing into Him.   

gotta have faith

What does it look like to when you set off with 2 other people, 3 sandwiches, $20 bucks, and no agenda for the week?  A lot of faith, a lot of relying on God, and a lot of patience.  Heather, David, and I set off from Oxford and made it to Queenstown 3 days later.  The Lord provided a shelter over our heads and food in our stomach every night.  But, it was a humbling experience from day one.  When every need has to be met by other people, it strips away any form of pride.  From sticking your thumb out on the side of the road to sleeping on a couch in a lounge for everyone to see...it's all very humbling.  It's embarrassing.  I have never had to worry about basic needs like food and shelter and to all of a sudden be put on the street with basically nothing is a scary and helpless feeling.  Helplessness is not a normal feeling I've had in my past.  Thanks to my family and the way I have been brought up, having nothing is completely out of my comfort zone.  This week I was stripped away of all pride.

Before we got to Queenstown there came a "freak out" moment everynight.  This was usually after the sun went down and we had walked from hotel to hotel, to hostels, into restaurants and still had no where to stay and no food to eat.  This "freak out" moment usually lasted about 10 minutes but He ALWAYS came through.  His timing and provision is absolutely perfect.  We are taken care of by a Father who loves us and wants nothing but good for us.  

I know we have all heard the verse, and probably at some point applied it to our lives, in Matthew 6 that says not to worry about tomorrow, what you will eat or drink.  But to seek first His kingdom and these things will be given to you.  This has always been a "common" verse in my walk but it really took on a new meaning for me this week.  I learned to depend on Him moment by moment.  To thank Him for EACH blessing.  As I was falling asleep the first night I was already dreading/worrying about the next day when it hit me... I was sleeping in a warm bed with a full stomach!  He provided SO many blessings for me that day.  I was exactly where He wanted me and SO well taken care of.   I learned to thank Him for what He had given me and to take each day one step at a time.  

When we arrived in Queenstown we were taken in by an amazing family who are pastors of a church.  CRAZY story, but 21 of us (YWAMers) ended up staying there.   We got to serve the family and the chuch but really they blessed us more than we could have blessed them.  Janet (the pastor of the church) taught me that hospitality is not a gift, it's a command.  It doesn't matter what you have to offer, your house should always be open.  Janet and Chris have lived only by faith.  It was so inspiring to spend 3 days with this amazing couple. 

I could go on and on about all the adventures I had and everything the Lord has taught me this week.  I saw BEAUTFUL areas of New Zealand but I definitely appreciate having some money in my pocket, a bed to sleep in every night, and food on the table.  I am glad I had the experience of being "homeless" but lets just say I am happy to be back.

faith week

So, Faith Week is here.  Tomorrow me and 2 other teammates (David & Heather) will be dropped off about 20 minutes outside of Oxford, given a sandwich and $20, and told not to return until the following Saturday.  Ha. What?!?

This week we will be completely relying of God.  The purpose for the week is to serve people, continue to learn to hear God's voice, and to understand and experience His faithfulness.  I am so excited about this.  I have NEVER had to completely rely on Him for EVERYTHING.  I am trusting Him.  My prayer for this week is that He will protect, provide, and that His voice/direction will be clear.  I know He will prove faithful as always. 

Please keep us in your prayers this week as we live off of faith alone.  I can't wait to share the stories that will come out of this adventure.  HAPPY EASTER!

 

my future

As I continue to wrestle with missions and what it looks like for my life, this quote that my dad passed along to me is right on.  

John Wesley said, "When we accept the yoke of Christ, we allow Christ to guide all that we do and all that we are, and Christ himself is our ONLY reward.  Christ has many ways for us to serve him; some are EASY, others are DIFFICULT.  Some recieve APPLAUSE; others bring only REPROACH; some we DESIRE to do because of our own interests; others seem UNNATURAL.  Sometimes we please Christ and meet our own needs; at other times we cannot please Christ unless we DENY ourselves.  Yet Christ strengthens us and gives us the power to do ALL THESE THINGS.  Therefore let us make this covenant with God our own.  Let us give ourselves completely to God, trusting in God's promises and relying on God's grace:

I give myself completely to you, God.

Assign me to my place in your creation.

Let me suffer for you.

Give me the work you would have me do.

Give me many tasks,

Or have me step aside while you call others.

Put me forward or humble me.

Give me riches or let me live in poverty.

I freely give all that I am and all that I have to you.

And now, holy God-Father, Son, and Holy Spirit--

You are mine and I am yours. So be it.

May this covenant made on earth continue for all eternity.

Amen.

Coming from the words of my dad:  Some people take their extraordinary gifts and use them in simple ways.  Other people take their simple gifts and use them in extraordinary ways.  Some people recieve lavish praise and acknowledgment, some are completely ignored, and some are criticized.  BUT in all things, whether it is preaching, teaching, giving, praying, helping, administering, visiting, feeding, clothing, consoling, counseling, mentoring, housing, or just listening, God is glorified through these actions of His people.

As frustrated as I can become with America, I love it.  It's a country in major need and thats why our generation still needs to rise up and be difference makers.  Right now I am excited about opportunities to go to countries where the love of Christ is truly needed.  I am excited to see what the Lord is going to do through these teams.  BUT, as hard as it is, I am reminded that I have an amazing opportunity when I return to learn a profession that can impact many people's lives.  No, it won't be as much fun or as exciting as what I'm doing now, but hopefully one day it will be a blessing to people down the road. 

I do not need to worry about what I am "called" to do or what my future looks like.  I just need to be completely surrendered to Him.  If I am obedient He will place me right where I am needed.  

Thanks Dad!

will we go?

I'm challenged once again.  Missions.  The word always grabs my heart.  It's what the Bible is all about.  It's the theme from Genesis to Revelation.  If we are Christians, we are Abrahams descendents, which means we are missionaries.  It's ALL over the Bible.  Connect the stories of what God did in the Old Testament and the New.  How can we continuely ignore this calling/purpose of our lives???  Trade up our little stories, our small ambitions, and to be part of the BIG story.  ONE story.  There is something incredibly freeing knowing where this story is going to end.  He keeps his promise that His glory will fill the earth and ALL nations will worship Him.  But there is part of this journey that has not been pioneered yet.  We have one life, one chapter to be part of this unfolding EPIC story.  His story is going to go on forever (not ours) and we get to be a part of it.  I want to write pages/beautiful lines in His story.

I feel like everyday I wrestle with either going home and continuing my life knowing and believing that God will use me where I am OR giving up my life and letting Him take me where the gospel is not known.  Everyone wants a comfortable life filled with blessings.  But the thing is, we are earning our own blessings.  OUR life and OUR desires revolve around getting these blessings.  We become consumed by this.  The challenge we will face the rest of our lives is wanting to put the blessings before the blessor.  

Missions has always been a major issue for the church.  Paul preached this,  he challenged the Israelites to go to the Gentiles.  The Israeli's were infuriated with Paul...saying 'rid the earth of him!' (Acts 22)  Just like the Israelites, there are deep roots of the "me" mentality continuing today.  So, why be involved in missions?  I believe the most important passage is Gen. 12:1-4.  It says,

The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; 

  I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing.

  I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse;

  and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

I still have no answers.  I'm confused.  What is the reality of this?  What does this mean my life will look like?  I'm inspired and challenged.  Any thoughts?  

radical vs. complacent

One thing I have been struggling with recently is what life will look like when I return to America.  Most of my team will continue travelling on thier around the world ticket.  I, on the other hand, have to be back 4 days after graduation in Israel to begin OT grad school.  It seems like a long way off but I know it will be here before I know it.  

So, in 5 months, what does life look like for me living in the city of Birmingham?  Knowing the need and urgency around the world for people to know and experience Jesus, its hard for me to think of going back to my comfortable life, driving my nice car, riding my horse (that isn't cheap), living in a nice house, etc.  I have been wrestling with the idea of what it will look like to live as a radical follower of Jesus in Birmingham, AL (before you freak out...every single one of us is called to live radically for Jesus...so even though "radical" may sound like a word for crazies, it's actually how we are created to live).  Don't get me wrong... I know there are plenty of needs to be met in Birmingham BUT there are SO MANY huge issues all around the world.  There are so many people who have never even had the choice to follow Jesus.  There are people groups with NO bibles in their language.  People continue to die daily without the choice of actually living.  There is an URGENCY.  And we are ALL called to spread the gospel.  We are His hands and feet.  

Over the past couple weeks I have come to the conclusion that He will use me in Birmingham.   It will be hard to come back after seeing so much need around the world, to being locked down to Birmingham for 3 years.  As much as I don't want to go back to school and want to travel the world, I have worked so hard to get into graduate school.  I think it is where He wants me (I hope?!).  I will trust in His plan.  Last week a young couple came to speak to us about their plans to move to Morroco to be missionaries.  Morocco is predominately Muslim (something like 20 million Muslims and an estimated 1,000 Christians).  She is going to work as a physical therapist there while her husband works for a bike company.  Their plan is to live normal lives in Morroco hoping to share Jesus.  I LOVED hearing this.  I was reminded that Occupational Therapy is a field that is needed and used all over the world.  Whatever your passion is, whatever you are good at, chances are you can do it in another country.  If I can stick out 3 years of school, who knows where He will take me from there!  I am excited to see where the Lord will lead me in this journey.  My biggest fear is complacency.