Warning: this is about to be word vomit.
My thoughts are all over the place this week. My eyes have been opened to many different aspects of the Holy Spirit. I don't understand it and I know I will never fully understand it. What I do know is that the Holy Spirit lives in us from the day we become Christians. I know people experience the Holy Spirit in different ways. Since I have been here I have seen many different "manifestations" of the spirit that I've never seen growing up in a conservative church/region. I've witnessed people lose complete control of thier body, recieve uncontrollable laughter or crying, twitch, and then there were the ones like me who don't necessarily "feel" anything. I've seen crazy/weird stuff like this on "God TV" and doubted the authenticity of it. But I KNOW the hearts of these people. I know what they are experiencing is real. I know the Lord is working in thier lives.
My question is should I seek to be in that place? Am I missing something? I have been going back in forth between wanting to know that feeling OR just knowing thats not how I experience the Spirit. I do know that this doesn't mean these people are "closer" to God than I am. I know not to compare myself to other believers. I just don't understand why His Spirit makes some people fall over and some people feel nothing. Here's the deal...I have amazing friends and community at home. These people love the Lord, they seek Him, they are obedient to Him, their lives are devoted to Him. And I have NEVER seen the Spirit manifest in these crazy ways. I know He is working in mighty ways at home.
One more thought... What does this benefit? Are these manifestations really benefiting the kingdom of God? If they are bringing Him glory then I want it. I think that if it's going to benefit Him then He will give it to me in His time. Like I've said, I don't want to miss anything. I am completely open to anything the Lord wants to do in my life. I want ALL of Him.
I just don't understand this stuff. It's all a bit strange to me. I'm definitely not afraid of it, or even judgemental towards it. I am just trying to find the middle ground, trying to stand on my own beliefs. I want to test everything. I want to be completely grounded in the Word, NOT what other people tell me to believe. I love wrestling with it. I have no answers yet. Maybe they will come, maybe not. For now I'm just going to continue seeking and pressing into Him.